My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts and have been dating for 7 years now. We are 24 and I ( after a recent talk it has become apparent that only I feel this way that’s why I don’t say “we”) feel ready to take the next steps of getting engaged and moving in together already. We had talked about it many times and he has mentioned that he doesn’t feel comfortable leaving his grandma alone but still we had both come to the conclusion that we would get an apartment for ourselves. The reason that I want to live together alone with him is to really get a home for OURSELVES, a home where I could build up and decorate as my own home as well, instead of living with his grandma and not having that sense of home. I love and respect my boyfriend’s grandma but I don’t want to move in with her because, it’s HER home (and home of my boyfriend) and I would not feel like it is a home where I could make it feel mine too. I want to start my married life in the privacy and safety of a place that feels mine and my boyfriend’s. Up until yesterday I kept daydreaming and getting impatiently excited for that new beginning of ours that would be accomplished this year but after stringing me along for months he now said that he doesn’t think that we’ll move in somewhere alone because he doesn’t want to leave his grandma alone. It hurts to have been brought down to ground level after him letting my expectations for that plan fly for months but I commend him for being a good grandson. Still, I don’t want to move in with his grandma because if I move in, I know that his plans will be to stay there. It’s frustrating that he has more responsibility than any cousin, sibling, aunt/uncle, that should be just as responsible for his grandma. It all comes down to him being the last one to leave the house. I know that in the future we will care for our old grandparents/ parents but we are still young and I would like to enjoy these young years alone with him. I don’t know what to do and I feel bad that I feel this way even though his love for his grandma is respectable. I don’t know what to do and so I am just broken hearted and frustrated at the heavy news. Again, I respect his grandma a lot but I really want to keep growing into my own person in the intimacy of my own home and not feel as a guest during these prime marriage years. I have not heard any of her input in this but it seemed like the grandma and his mom don’t have a problem with him and I getting a place so it is mostly my boyfriend making this decision. Would it be wrong to let the grandma live by herself?
Please don't waste your your young life being treated this way.
Time to focus on jobs, schooling, getting your own place, possibly finding a kind and good hearted husband who will love and respect you, and will put your needs first.
That's an ugly possible scenario, but so many on this site speak of how time-consuming and backbreaking it is taking care of an elder in their own home, and how badly they need relief. Don't put a pretty toe inside that house.
You will be making a hard, grown up decision not to get roped into this situation. But it’s the right decision for you.
Breakups always suck big time. No way around that. But do not trap yourself where you ALREADY know you don’t want to be in his grandmas house.
You are young, and there will be other boyfriends. I know you don’t want to hear that, but trust in older peoples advice, 24 yrs is so very young to get saddled with elder care. Please move on. Stay strong, keep your eyes on your goals and your future.
I know that, at your age, you're worried that you won't meet someone else. Maybe you've seen your first gray hair and are thinking "who will I meet now?" Again, I know those thoughts because I've been there. What you don't realize is that you're at the prime age to be meeting new people and figuring out what you want in a partner. If you want kids, you easily have a decade or more to meet someone who will eventually become the father of your children. If you don't want kids, you have even longer. There is someone out there for you, someone who isn't reluctant to spend his life with you, someone who puts you first. Trust me on this.
If you love him and you think he is your future, continue to date him, but let him work this out with his family on his own. He has to find his voice with the other members of his family and not put you in the role of caregiving as a band-aide so the others don't have to do anything.
Pursue your own goals, live your life, get an apartment of your own and let this play out. If it is meant to work out, it will, but that can't be contingent on you moving in to help with grandma. It doesn't sound like he is ready to move out and be on his own. He needs to do that to be his own man before he moves in with you and you need to do the same.
Your dreams are more robust than marriage. Pursue them and wait and see if this relationship survives. Be open to relationships with new men. Your boyfriend is not ready to transition out of his grandmother’s home for what may be good and valid reasons. You have no choice but to accept that your differences are irreconcilable at this point. If you acquiesce and move in, you will resent everyone in the household and your relationship will falter. You haven’t said why his mother can’t take care of him
or his grandmother but there is another red flag on this horizon.
Your boyfriend has been belatedly honest enough to say that he is not willing to commit to your goals. Pursue your own goals, educational and career objectives and personal growth instead. If you want to wait to see if things will work out, do so, but put yourself first as you decide whether this is really a man you can’t live without. Based upon what you’ve said, I wonder if this is really the person you should strive to be with for the rest of your life. You are young enough to find another man who shares your dreams and is in a position to work with you to make them happen.
These are questions to consider, but I would not move in.
Best wishes.
Sometimes we have to make difficult decision and that is where you find yourself. What first has to happen is pray to God and ask Him for the decision; however, be prepared for whatever the decision is. Second, once you get the word from God, explain to him that this decision comes from Holy Spirit and I am doing as told. Your boyfriend may or may not understand depending on the decision.
Sometimes as the other scenario, your boyfriend just may be afraid to tell you that you guys are at the end of the rope and he wants you to call it off. Something to think about!
Just be prayerful in your decision and here's hoping that the decision is suitable for all parties involved.
You are in my prayers!
Why can't she go to assisted living? Why can't a caretaker be hired to be with her? You would be stepping into a rabbit hole and eventually there will be no way out till grandma passes. That's probably why bf mom isn't caring for her. DON'T MOVE IN!
but generally rose87, i guess:
if a man/woman aren't married after 7 years, maybe it's not meant to be.
shouldn't there have been some fire, some passion/urgency in wanting to get married?
of course, getting married too quickly is also a problem.
there is no magic formula (or maybe there is)...
just be careful rose87.
you want a man who has your best interests at heart, who is passionately in love with you, who can't wait to spend time with you, etc.
i wish 2022 to be magical for all of us, on this website :).
bundle of joy :)
You are a young 24 year old who wants to start a new life with her love, not her love and his grandma. That would be a little weird actually. I don't know too many 24 year olds that would want to do that. Where are his parents? They should be doing it. How old is she? Is she not capable of living alone?
You too think that BF will change to put you first when you have your nice little home and a wedding ring. Don’t count on it!
If his grandmother is doing find mentally, financially, medically... there is no reason that she can not live alone. If she needs help on a daily basis, then your boyfriend must consider that she probably needs more help than only he provides.
Please consider seeing a counsellor together as you and your boyfriend negotiate this next phase of your life. Many faith leaders (pastors, rabbis, imams...) provide this type of counselling as pre-marital counselling to work through the type of issues you write of.
While not ideal, it is a thing that happens.
Just let the relationship die naturally. Say no to moving in. That if you marry you will be going to a place of your own. And, you expect to be #1. Then let him take the wheel. Lets be old fashioned here where he calls you. Let him pursue you. In the meantime, find new interests. See friends. Go out for a drink with fellow associates. I will bet, little by little he will back out of your life and you won't have to break up. Time for you to grow.