We were never able to have children it took me over 14 years to accept it. 4 months ago we moved my soon to be 83 yr old mother in law into our 2-story 1440 sq.ft. Home with us & our 2 beloved furkids..aka dogs.
I thought we were doing right thing but now already I've been losing my mind, my sanity, my privacy & even my identity. Coupled with me working from home full time since Covid I feel almost imprisoned & I'm sadly hiding out in my bedroom all day to avoid her downstairs all day & even evenings now after my husband gets home from work.
We have no privacy for anything let alone me feeling comfortable to have sex in my own home. I've been suffering hot flashes going thru hopefully final stages of menopause & I can't even turn my a/c down to a comfortable temp downstairs, she has hijacked our whole peaceful home with constant blaring sitcoms -gameshows-sports on tv down there constantly.
I am miserable & worse yet my husband spends more time with her than me. It's like I'm slowly disappearing I have tried talking to spouse but he doesn't see it or get it. I love him but what can I do?
I told him I can't have sex while she is in our house it freaks me out. I am resorting to turning my walk in closet in our bedroom (which is furthest away from her bedrooms side of house) into some kind of a sex room with a twin mattress in there.
I need advice my husband will not allow her to go into a care facility. She is cognitive & can still take care of herself & even go up & down stairs twice daily.
I love her she is sweet but constantly complains about her head, or body aches & how she doesn't feel right but ever time she goes to hospital or whatever they tell her nothing is wrong. I tell her if she just sits all day then of course She will hurt.
She stares into space a lot when I do hang out with her & she constantly flips channels on tv & just sits there all day long watching that tv glazed over.
I can't concentrate to work so I hide out upstairs husband doesn't get it because his life didn't change. I avoid at all costs bringing up anything about not feeling good, or even asking her how she she's doing because that just opens the floodgates to listen to her complain about everything.
I've tried engaging her to come outside on nice days but she prefers to be a recluse. I feel like I'm being suffocated if I spend too much time with her anym uore plus her sad & depressed demeanor just pulls me in or tries to suck me down her dark depressed tunnel of doom & gloom.
I probably sound like a horrible ungrateful daughter in law but I want my life back & my sex life back. Husband doesn't seem to think these are major problems refuses to go to marriage counseling. I know he loves me more than anything that's what hurts.
I'm now working on cleaning up my exercise room which is also upstairs to be more of a utility escape room for me complete with a mini fridge & microwave so I don't have to go down there for much more than cooking a meal, taking dogs out, going outside to also escape with them now that weather is cooling off.
I feel so self centered but my marriage is at stake now & my mental well being. I simply cannot handle the stress & responsibilities everything is in my shoulders trying not to drink too much but wine & beer help taken the edge off.
I hope God can forgive me but I am not cut out for this. There's a reason why we couldn't have children so I have hidden used to living in a quiet & peaceful home with harmony. Now it is all upside down. I am open to any suggestions good or bad.
One thing in am realizing is that if I do not let her hijack my day afternoon away from me I am more happy staying distanced upstsirs. I love music & listen to whatever I want all day up there whether I'm working or cleaning.
I'm not going to let her sad depression threshold of me it's like sometimes I envision a big dark gray cloud looming in my living room exactly over the loveseat which has become her Velcro seat. It'
If your hubby wants to be selfish how would he feel having to sell the house in a divorce? You can be selfish too by not lifting a finger to help his mother. It will now all be all on him. Tell him you don't hate her, but you need space. You like your friends but don't live with them either. You want your own space and trying to hide in closets isn't it. This is not working and will have to change. He is probably gone all day so its not a big deal to spend a few hours with her.
He can make you both happy by getting a place where everyone can be happy. Where she can blare her tv without you loosing your mind.
Im sure he's spending more time with her bc he knows she won't be around forever. Plus your probably bristly from putting up with the tv blaring all day and exasperated.
I would give him an ultimatum that you need a bigger space & mil suite, or construction on your place. Your doing all the sacrifices here.
I would also nip the complaining in the bud, by saying any day above ground is a good day. So stop complaining and change the subject abruptly. What are we doing for lunch? Dont let her go back to it. Keep doing that until she gets the message. People complain about illnesses do it for sympathy and attention.
How about getting her to a senior center for the day. Or maybe 3x a week. It keeps them active. She needs to do something besides sit. You get a break then. Sure she will complain but too bad. You need to work in peace. She gets friends and a purpose.
How about putting her in basement and turning it into a suite? Changing dining room into a closed room for her with sound proofing? Soundproofing anywhere. And a new hearing aid or head set for her. You need to work and hear yourself think.
I notice a pattern on here, of the men not caring when their wife is forced to live with the MIL. So women need to put a stop to that. Their ok with you being inconvenienced as long as they aren't. If you have to be inconvenienced with the noise etc, he can be inconvenienced packing to a new home with more room, or coming up with funds to make her a room or 2 that are sound proofed.
As for hot flashes, I use natural hormones on Amazon. Saved me bc Id get hot flashes, nausea and a weird headache all at once. Stopped it in its tracks. Or time to go to doc and say you need something.. That is also not helping things bc you have that to contend with too.
Usually when a parent arrives the children want them to feel comfortable and boundaries are crossed.
I suppose house rules must be established from the beginning.
It’s a bit awkward for the couple and the parent and when boundaries aren’t set there are always uncomfortable situations that arise.
I don’t know how many of you had keys to their parent’s house. I did. Mom would tell me to just let myself in when I went over. I never did. I knocked on the door and waited for her to say, “Come in, honey.” Then I opened the door with the key.
I never answered her phone unless she instructed me to. I didn’t snoop through her mail. In other words, I respected my parents privacy.
I would not be comfortable overstepping in someone else’s home, even my parents. My husband was the same way with his family.
I guess it all depends on the people involved. Some parents do respect privacy. Others don’t.
Living together with parents or any other roommates is a situation with very close quarters and it is usually too much togetherness!
When they need more and more help it is intensified. Of course it isn’t their fault. No one gets sick on purpose but nevertheless it interrupts our lives and we are not wrong for wanting a life for ourselves again.
It’s a matter of getting over the guilt. Trust me, I speak from tons of experience!
Therapy and this forum saved my life!
What are your responsibilities for her? You didn't really mention things you have to do for her, only that her presence is irritating. If you do have tasks, then talk to hubby about hiring someone to come and do things just for mom. Or perhaps get a housekeeper to help out everyone - a little cleaning, fix lunch for mom, change her linens, wash clothes, etc. If mom is no longer paying living expenses for her previous house, use her income to pay for extras around your house. And, I have to ask, did she move in to combine 3 incomes to make life easier and cheaper for all?????
There is a certain amount of this where getting used to someone else in your home being difficult. Then there is another issue of - you coming off a little harsh when you can't stomach being in the same room with her. I would suggest trying a little harder in that area. I would venture a little further out on that limb and wonder if you ever really did like the woman.
The flip side is you tell hubby you don't want her there, deal with his reaction to that, and then let the chips fall where they may. You agreed to the living arrangement, like it or not, so there's a good chance he will be hurt by your change in how you feel now. The marriage may suffer more after that discussion than it is right now, but you do have a right to determine your own future
I'm also wondering...if she loves loud tv shows so much....isn't that a time for you and your husband to have some private time away from her?
I knew that it would not work as a permanent solution and found an assisted living facility nearby and suggested she try it out for a few weeks to see if she would like the idea. She decided it was a better option and after exploring some other options she chose one.
It worked out well, she had her own room and bath, lots of activities and trips, new friends, lots of things to complain about. Best part I could visit as I wanted and leave when I wanted.
I know it’s difficult right now but some facilities are welcoming new residents so it is worth exploring some options.
Your MIL is probably used to doing things as she has been doing for decades and cannot or will not adapt to her new life with you. is it feasible to sit down with her and your husband and discuss some of the issues? Focus on concerns for her mental and physical health and what you feel needs to happen.
You're not self centered; you're longing to have your life back, which is perfectly understandable considering an intruder moved into your house & ruined your peace & harmony.
Why are you supposed to be a 'grateful' daughter in law? Grateful for WHAT, exactly? For being intruded upon by your mother in law?
Your statement, ".....husband doesn't get it because his life didn't change" says it all. His life will HAVE to change in order for him TO 'get it'. If he winds up with a depressed and angry wife, then his life will have changed. If you tell him you won't be there during the day to care for or entertain his mother, then HE will have to change his schedule to do the care giving/entertaining. And THAT will change his life. Sometimes it takes a wake up call for a person to wake up. His first clue that you're miserable should have been when you set up a sex-closet. Not that there's anything wrong with that........it's just that you need privacy SO badly that you're needing to set up a closet to find it. That's not how things should be in one's OWN home.
You say your MIL is 'cognitive', then go on to say she won't go outside and sits in front of the TV set all day with a glazed look in her eyes. That doesn't sound like a high cognition level to me, frankly.
She doesn't need to go to a 'care facility' if she's able to care for herself. She can go into a senior Independent Living apartment that has a continuum of care; Assisted Living, Memory Care and Skilled Nursing on site as well so that she can move accordingly as needed, IF needed. It's not a sin or a crime for an elder to live independently. In fact, it's a good idea for ALL concerned, including HER. Who does SHE have to canoodle with while you're upstairs all day long trying to avoid her? Not that I blame you...........just saying. She's all alone during the day and has nothing to do except watch tv, you're miserable b/c she's usurped YOUR life and home, so who's winning here? Nobody.
Talk to DH and let him know just HOW upset and miserable you are. Offer to help him scout out various Independent Living places for his mom and then offer to help her get set up in one. You are not 'abandoning' her.........you are just helping her get set up to live her OWN life while you and your DH live YOUR lives. That's how things should be.
Wishing you the best of lucking having a real conversation with DH about your true feelings.
If he doesn’t get it, tell him he can take care of her while you take time off to spend with friends. Have a girls night out. Perhaps then he will GET IT.
We live in a ranch and her bedroom is on one end and ours is at the other end. Thank God Our bedroom has a sitting room where we find our personal time. Mother-in-law and her walker can't really make the trip.
Your husband need to step up and be opened minded. Who comes first? Let him stay home with his mother while you go out for a girls day out.
God Bless
Your husband made the decision to move her into your house, making you her de facto caretaker without understanding that you are having to bear the brunt of it. It is OK if you are not up to it! You need to tell him that. You don't have to feel guilty about it one bit. If he minimizes the impact it's having on your and tells you just to deal with it you may find yourself in the position of having to choose to stay or go. Don't make any ultimatums unless you are willing to follow through with it.
As far as sex, I suggest you get 2 white noise machines and put one outside your bedroom door and one inside your bedroom.
My Mom lived with us for 2 (loooong) months before she moved into ALF.
At first I was completely too freaked out to have sex because she was literally feet away in the next room!
I realized that I had to get over it!
It wasn't easy, but it was necessary for my marriage.
Maybe if you moan and scream really loud, she'll beg to move out!! Lol!! ( just trying to make you smile).
As others have suggested, a TV in her own room may be a good idea. She can be a recluse in her own room instead of her forcing you to be a recluse in your room!
Sending prayers and (((hugs)))!
She's 84 and capable of fully taking care of herself. She has no illnesses, no disabilities. She's a huge gossip, loves drama and does not leave us alone when we want to spend time in the kitchen preparing meals - she pretty much took over the entire downstairs and her TV is often blaring. Even when she's watching her TV show and she sees that we have entered the kitchen, she will come, sit at the counter and watch us - we wouldn't mind the company sometimes but it's all the time. Mom acts like a princess, she expects to be asked if she needs to go to the doctor even though we clearly see that she's OK, she just wants that type of attention. She won't say "hello" first to anyone, she expects for people to approach her first and often when hugging her she'll just stand there like a tree. She talks badly about my boyfriend's grown children because they don't come to visit. They don't visit because she's very unpleasant. She treats my boyfriend like a child and on several occasions when she didn't get her way, she accused him of being aggressive with her. She actually told the police that she's afraid of him. She had accused multiple people of wrongdoing, including aggression, because she didn't get her way. When she's sleeping, everyone is expected to tip toe around the house, but she slams the kitchen cabinets, she's super loud in the kitchen and blares TV or music whenever she feels like it. There were times when she sat on the floor and claimed that she had fallen. When nobody's looking, she basically sprints around the house but the minute someone is in her presence, she walks slowly holding onto the wall to "steady herself." There's more!
While mom is fully functioning and does not need help with taking care of herself, there are things she is unwilling to even try because she doesn't speak English. She's unable to make an appointment or call a taxi to take her where she wants to go.
I'm also dealing with mom taking jabs at me. She's upset that I'm taking up her son's time which, if it weren't for me, would be her time with him. She had voiced her approval of him and me setting up a life together as long as that happens after she's dead.
I don't live with my boyfriend and his mom, and based on what I have witnessed so far during our relationship, there is absolutely no way that I would put myself under the same roof with her. The only relaxing time that we have is when mom isn't home or she's sleeping, other than that I feel uncomfortable being in that house. If we're spending time in there, we grab food and drinks and escape upstairs where we feel at least a little away from her, but no way I could deal with that on a long term basis.
My boyfriend is the only family that mom has here and so she has to be taken into consideration as we make our future plans. So we started talking about what our options are if we plan on making a future together and have her fit into our lives in a way that will not be destructive to our relationship.
Boyfriend and I agree that we cannot live peacefully in the same house. We have both agreed that she may live on the same property with us, as long as she has her own living space: separate entrance, her own kitchen and living areas - whether it's an in-law unit or a duplex type of property. It might still create some drama having her so close, that's just an option and we feel that it's a fairly good one for us to retain our sanity and have her close in case she needs something but not having her in the same space. Another option is placing her in a little condo nearby. Never, ever, EVER under the same roof sharing living space.
Try to go out and get some professional counseling just for yourself. Your mental health needs care.
The counselor may help you see how to connect with husband re: all this difficulty.
Best wishes ❤️
Changing your walk-in closet into a hide away seems intriguing and censual. It could be your secret garden.
Is he an only child? Siblings can share the responsibility as well if they are willing.
Have you thought about someone coming in to assist with her ADL's or a sitter?
It will be alright.
Good luck!
What you need to do is, grab your husband, take him out somewhere for dinner, and just unload on him. Tell him what you have to put up with on a daily basis, tell him how you miss being intimate, and try to appeal to his love for you. Hell, buy a hotel room and go to town with him in there. Rent it for an entire week and bam! 7 days of comfortable sex, where you don't have to worry about his mom hearing you go at it.
As a more permanent solution, you can put up acoustic sound deafening foam walling in your bedroom, and his mom is never going to hear so much as a single muffled moan.
As far as retaking your living room, either do as others have said and move her into her own room, or get his mother to buy hearing aids if she has to turn the tv up high to hear. I had to deal with the same sh** when I was living in with my 85 year-old aunt. She would turn the tv up to full blast, and I could hear it over my music with headphones in. I had to force her to go out and buy a hearing aid. After that, I really didn't mind her too much. She was like, "Wow, I put in the hearing aid, turned on the tv, and it was way too loud!" Yea...
She has late-stage dementia now and I had to let her go to an old folks home, because she couldn't do basic things for herself. I was with her for about a year and a half, and if there's one thing I've learned it's this. If something bothers you, let her know asap. She's not doing it on purpose, I almost guarantee it. Old people really don't realize how anoyying they can be, but it's not really there fault. Some are just stubborn and don't want a hearing aid or a cane because it... makes them feel old. Too bad, that's part of aging.
He helped me care for her and he grew to love her, because he knew how much my mom means to me. It is strange how life turns out. When I first met my husband my mom could not stand him. 21 years later...he became an essential person to help us both survive.
THAT IS FAMILY--You help each other. In sickness, and in health.
As for mom, maybe she would do better going to an adult day program. She could interact with others and you can get work done. If you worked in an office, you would not be available to care for her while you were working. It may be considered inconsiderate - and extremely difficult - to expect you to do the job of caregiving while also working for a paycheck. You would then have to only deal with your MIL in the evenings. Create an apartment-like setting for her in your home instead of you creating one to hide away in. She can be with you both for meals and some social time, but then she can have her privacy (and you can have yours back) in the later hours.
I wish you well.
Grace + Peace,
Old Bob
As a bonus, when your Mother in law has her TV ears in, she won't be able to hear your bed squeak.
She really might be happier in an independent living situation with other elders. She must know she's not completely welcome in your home. Start looking for another option for her.
This is the one thing that you can give your husband that his mommy can not, it gives you the power, don't throw that away because she might hear you. Let her be uncomfortable, that is what happens when you live with other people in their home.
You get a break & some fun.
Your DH gets to feel how one version of his future could be - just him & his Mom. May get lonely...
Maybe he will decide to choose a different future & cut those apron strings a bit.
I know many 'Good Sons' who don't live with their Moms.
Have you checked with free places offered for Seniors to go to for game playing, lunch. Ect?
Sounds like she needs some friends.
If she doesn't have anything to do, then watching TV all day is what she'll do.
Maybe you can get her interested in reading, painting, puzzles, coloring. cross word, making bracelets, ect.
Would she like a lap pet to keep her Company and get her out if the house to walk it?
Does she have a couple friends that you could arrange a weekly daytime get together for playing cards, domino's or just hanging out visiting.
I'm sure your husband feels obligated to visit with your mom when he comes home from work, as she's sitting right there watching TV.
Leave your MIL home and go meet your husband for lunch.
Leave MIL home and meet husband for dinner.
Get someone to spend the night with MIL if she can't stay by herself and you and husband have a cozy night or weekend get away once a month.
Check with friends, Church Members, Seniors, ect and invite a single man over for dinner and once she finds someone she likes, she won't mind entertaining him downstairs and while they're listening to music, playing games, watching TV or whatever, ya'll can be upstairs having some alone time.
Tasking a Shower together having Chinese food delivered and using chopsticks and share and eat right out of the carton by candlelight.
Turn pretty music on and give each other a sensual massage using a nice smelling massage oil..
And, with MIL being downstairs with the TV blaring, You won't have to worry about her hearing you and your husband make love.
Remember, it won't do any good to complain or talk bad about his mom, let him do the bad mouthing or thoughts.
Let his thinking of you be all good thoughts.
Prayers
tell the husband you need more love to feel more adjust.
the also make headphone for TV sets. ( which yes she will forget about them).
if you can’t make adjustments it’s really not fair to you or her to live together.
I always worry about quality of life,
My mom has hijacked the living room couch because this spot is sunnier and warmer than other rooms, has no hobbies or interests of her own, tries to hover around me and stare at me. All this drives up my husband against the wall and he has no interest in intimacy now. Mom is in the early stages of dementia whereas my husband has no experience with this and he's aghast at how much help she needs. Some days I fantasize about taking her back to our home country and getting my life back .
It's great you have managed to carve out private space. As long as your MIL is safe, comfortable, some quality of life, you have done your job, IMHO. Maybe you can hire an aide to come sit with her for a few hours so that you can get a mental break or go out with husband for dinner.
So sorry you have to deal with this issue and I sincerely hope that you can find a viable solution soon. Best wishes to you and your husband.