It's almost 4 years since my mother passed from vascular dementia aged 106 on a cold afternoon in December. It was a great relief for me, and, I think, for her. She was ready to go and I last saw her with a small smile on her face. I had been caregiving in one sense or another most of my life due to my mother's mental illness - Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism.
I find I am grieving a bit this year, probably because I am moving from my family home of the last 40+ years as well as remembering the years and years of difficult family relationships and very stressful caregiving. No more "crazy" phone calls, demanding emails, subtle and not so subtle put downs, rantings and ravings about my shortcomings. I know many of you get it.
My father died many years ago and that marked the end of any caring nuclear family. He was a nurturer. My mother died nearly 4 years ago. and once the estate was settled I cut contact with my sister. I recall very few kind words from my mother or my sister - ever. My sister smiled then stabbed me with a sharp remark. "What did you ever do to help mother!" This after several years of me being POA financial and medical, moving mother a number of times, dealing with problems at the facilities she was in and her progressing dementia. During one visit my sister made to a new facility she asked me if I had seen mother's room. I said, "Yes, who do you think moved the furniture and set it up?" She just looked blank. Never a thank you for what I did.
In some ways the slate has been wiped clean, although the traces of the past are still with me. I have worked hard to overcome and heal from the hurts, the dysfunctional ways of coping, the anxiety. The past is fading, slowly, but it is fading.
Can we really start again?
I bet Rocky missed Pumpkin too. Did they form a bond with each other?
Oh, gosh. "the issue was never resolved" The story of my life! When mental illness is present many things never get resolved in the normal ways. I developed a one-sided resolution (me, myself and I and sometimes a therapist) which made me more comfortable. I don't think I have actually forgotten many of the facts of what has happened in my life, but the sting has gone from most of what my mother did. I don't dwell on it and I can recall the (few by comparison) good things.
Caregiving for a LO who has mental health issues as well as dementia is extremely challenging. There is no question about that. As I have mentioned, for my emotional survival I distanced myself both physically and emotionally from my mother and sister. I could not have possibly done hands on caregiving and I let mother know that from when she first brought up her possible future needs.
Yes, it is harder to forget or get over the emotions when there is no resolution, and harder to forgive I think. ((((((Hugs))))) to you for looking after your mother. Please be sure to take time for yourself as much as you can and to include good things in your life.
The other day I was recalling the "bad summer" I went through with mother and sister - it was way worse than usual - and I also recalled that I had fun that summer. Not that that period of time was fun, certainly not, it was a nightmare, but during the nightmare I had some enjoyable activities which lifted me up and gave me some good experiences and memories and kept me sane. I went to parties, I hiked with a girlfriend, a young man took me to a show in London, I boated on the river Cam with another girlfriend, I studied a course I was having trouble with and passed! It is possible to have some good times during the very difficult times and I think we owe it to ourselves to give ourselves as many good times as we can. It helps us to survive.