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FLTNdaughter - I am sorry that your dad has dementia. My mother does too. I often wish she would not drag out her Alzheimer's disease for years and years to the bitter end where she becomes bed ridden, in diapers (which she is now) and has zero quality of life while suffering indignity. I wish that she would depart sooner as a result of something else so that she and the rest of the family can stop the suffering. Looks like your dad now has a way out of his life of dementia. I consider that a blessing.
You may or may not feel the same way. I wish you peace with whatever your decision is.
Are you or is he seeking treatment for either? (please say "no") I would tell him one time. Contact Hospice. They will help you keep him comfortable. They will get the supplies and equipment that you need. There is a Social Worker, Chaplain and others that are part of the Hospice Team that will be there to help all of you. The main goal would be to keep him comfortable and with little or no pain. I really see no need to continue to tell him after you tell him once.
I may tell him once but I would put him throught no treatments. Going under for an operation would only make his Dementia worse. He will not be able to understand what is going on or what he is suppose to do. For example, if the put a stint in he may pull it out.
My Mom had bladder cancer in her early 80s. She went thru the chemo and lost a kidney. She was 89 when she passed from Dementia. There is no way I would have put her through the pain and discomfort of going thru chemo/operation if she had a cancer again. She had already lost her life. She was in a world of her own. I would have just called Hospice in and allowed her to go pain free.
Prostate cancer alone may not have been so bad (since it's slow growing and easier to treat depending at what stage it's caught)...but kidney cancer is another story. What is his prognosis? What does his oncologist say about treatment paths? Does he have any other health issues going on at the same time that might impact treatment? I'm asking because how complex it is may dictate if or how much you tell him.
I agree with others that you should tell him, once. If he's able to retain the info, great. If not, and he is not understanding what is going on with his body, I think you can tell him whatever "therapeutic fibs" you think will be helpful to simplify your answers and his ability to understand his treatments, or pain, in the moment.
I also agree that the treatments can be very challenging and very unpleasant. I'm so sorry for this dismaying development in health. As if caregiving weren't already hard enough. I wish you success in managing whatever he requires, and peace in your heart that there's no wrong answer in your situation. You're doing your best, no matter what.
The kidney mass is very small so they are going to watch it. What I know about the prostate cancer is it is “high grade” and the dr wants a CT and Bone scan and a PSA blood test. He is now because of his care and his temper has been in assisted living since 12/16/20.
It is unlikely he will retain the information, but he does have a right to know, and some input into decisions going forth as to whether to treat, or accept palliative care and hospice. You will know much better than we can what difference knowing might make for your father. I sure do wish you good luck.
How severe is his dementia? I mean, are you repeating yourself constantly all day, everyday or does he retain a portion of what you're saying?
Are you planning to treat the cancer? That alone might kill him. Chemotherapy is horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Could he do that and handle the physical and emotional toll it will take on him?
This is up to you. If you feel he can handle the news and not have it upset him, unduly, and can understand any kind of txes without getting frantic or anxious--yes, I'd tell him.
If my cancer comes back when I'm 88 (and likely I will be long gone before that!) I would want to know, but then, we don't get to pick our levels of mental acuity, do we?
If he is actively sick/miserable, then telling him might give him some measure of peace as to WHY he feels bad.
This is a sticky question and one that does not have a on-size-fits-all answer. Good wishes to you in handling it, however you choose to do it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You may or may not feel the same way. I wish you peace with whatever your decision is.
I would tell him one time.
Contact Hospice. They will help you keep him comfortable. They will get the supplies and equipment that you need.
There is a Social Worker, Chaplain and others that are part of the Hospice Team that will be there to help all of you.
The main goal would be to keep him comfortable and with little or no pain.
I really see no need to continue to tell him after you tell him once.
My Mom had bladder cancer in her early 80s. She went thru the chemo and lost a kidney. She was 89 when she passed from Dementia. There is no way I would have put her through the pain and discomfort of going thru chemo/operation if she had a cancer again. She had already lost her life. She was in a world of her own. I would have just called Hospice in and allowed her to go pain free.
I agree with others that you should tell him, once. If he's able to retain the info, great. If not, and he is not understanding what is going on with his body, I think you can tell him whatever "therapeutic fibs" you think will be helpful to simplify your answers and his ability to understand his treatments, or pain, in the moment.
I also agree that the treatments can be very challenging and very unpleasant. I'm so sorry for this dismaying development in health. As if caregiving weren't already hard enough. I wish you success in managing whatever he requires, and peace in your heart that there's no wrong answer in your situation. You're doing your best, no matter what.
He is now because of his care and his temper has been in assisted living since 12/16/20.
Are you planning to treat the cancer? That alone might kill him. Chemotherapy is horrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Could he do that and handle the physical and emotional toll it will take on him?
This is up to you. If you feel he can handle the news and not have it upset him, unduly, and can understand any kind of txes without getting frantic or anxious--yes, I'd tell him.
If my cancer comes back when I'm 88 (and likely I will be long gone before that!) I would want to know, but then, we don't get to pick our levels of mental acuity, do we?
If he is actively sick/miserable, then telling him might give him some measure of peace as to WHY he feels bad.
This is a sticky question and one that does not have a on-size-fits-all answer. Good wishes to you in handling it, however you choose to do it.