We are wanting just the 4 of us at the table, not caregiver as it is family time. We offered her off from 2-9 pm to go back to city and be with friends. She was hurt saying they all had plans. We have concerns with her anyway which we spoke with her about last night. The main one is her flirtatious behavior with my husband. My mother, her charge, wad the first one to notice it and she is bothered by it. My husband who is pretty naive to this does see it. The worst part is whenever I walk into the room she abruptly goes into another room like she feels guilty. I feel disrespected in my home. My husband mentioned this to her and naturally she denied that. She said she isnt "as close" to me because I am direct. My personality is direct and. not easy-going like my husbands. Most people would appreciate a direct personality as they know where they stand. I have always been nice to her. She takes offense when I tell her to do something differently with my mother. I've told her, as has my husband, we are following the doctors orders or rehabs instructions. The list goes on. My mother is 85, I am 56, my husband 52 and the caregiver is 40. She dresses in tight yoga pants, off the shoulder sweaters and leg warmers. My husband is very good looking. I trust my husband with all of this. Oh, and last night she told me that "any young woman who came into your home would flirt with your husband because he is a very good looking man".
Ufortunately she is the best we have had-we have had liars, people stealing, one getting naked in the shower with my mother, none previously who would cook (everything was fried in gallons of olive oil), one that said, when looking at our dogs she ATE dogs.
So obviously there are a lot of issues here but what I want to know now is it rude to just want the family at the Thanksgiving table?
Sorry for the soap opera but I wanted to supply a background.
Thank you for any suggestions.
Susan
Shesmom, I feel for you. Live-in elderly parent and live-in-ish caregiver.....how suffocating. Do I think the caregiver needed to be at your T-giving table? No. She's an adult and she can figure it out. Life isn't a Norman Rockwell painting -- as she knows darn well from the line of work she's in.
As for the other issues, have you considered quietly/constantly interviewing new caregivers while this one is with you....however long it takes....then make the switch when you find a good fit?
With the frustrations you had w/the other caregivers (which are depressingly common, apparently), I can see why you're hanging onto this gal. But big picture -- she's poison. Her disrespect for you is galling. She ignores your instructions, and she is thoroughly inappropriate with your husband. Whether he's the type to take the bait or not, the caregiver is sending a huge message about how little she thinks of you. And even though she's OK with the tasks and (so far) not a thief, how can she be properly invested in your mother's care when she treats you and your husband like a joke? Very unprofessional.
And honestly, I suspect that something worse lies beneath her surface emotional immaturity and iffy people skills. She's 40 years old, has no car and her apartment is 40 minutes away? What the heck?? I know she doesn't make awesome money, but really...no car? She'll soon become comfortable asking hubby (never you) to drive her to Target, Walgreen's, etc. (Or is that happening already?)
She's 40 years old, dresses like a 20-year-old and can't get through the day without cooing over a married man in front of his wife? She needs to take her sick sh*t elsewhere.
You are in a crappy spot right now. I feel for you. But I think you know deep-down that the longer she works for you, the more she'll ooze unneccesary drama. If you have the stamina to keep shopping around, get on it.
NO, only as a side dish.
Or, Shesmom decided to cook the caregiver and burned dinner.
I am hoping nothing bad happened.
We are ALL sitting down to dinner in a few minutes.
I am thankful for everyone who took their time to reply. Will check back later...
Good result!
There is no jealousy, I gave that up long ago. Her comments and behaviors were inappropriate. We spoke with her and she is scarce-not following my husband around.
We have decided to include her but I like the advice of telling her that Christmas is family time and she has the day off. She has an apartment with a room mate in the city and friends in the city too.
Whereas she is on call 24 hours it has never happened. She works a total of 4 hours a day-does my moms laundry, makes her eggs and toast for breakfast, simple lunch and simple dinner. She stands in the bathroom while my mother showers herself. She walks in back of her or next to her when my mom is using her walker. That is the extent of her working. She does not drive. She eats either with my mom or in her room so she can Skype her mom who is in another country. My husband and I eat very late due to our schedules.
My mom would not have the patience for puzzles but we suggested a simple card game, talking about not too personal life experiences but they have cultural upbringing differences they could share, etc. We also have a few relatives that can visit while we are at work.
I like the idea of scrubs.
Thank you for understanding that being direct is not being mean. It lets people know where things stand, the expectations and when things are going well too. My employees and patients all prefer directness.
It is vey hard having a stranger in our home. Plus we never get one minute with the house to ourselves.
I will keep everyone posted on how tomorrow goes. I am really trying here. I don't have to ask "WWJD", I know.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
Unless you cannot find better care, you will need to really talk to this person. It sounds like she really doesn't have enough to do in a day---would your mother do puzzles? watch movies? put together humanitarian packages? Or is she really just in need of a warm body to watch her?
As much as I agree with your concerns, I know I'd have her come to dinner. No alcohol, good idea, but unless you help her transport to someplace else and back...she'll sit up in her room and feel like a naughty child. (Which, kind of sounds like she is, BUT.....) Good luck with this. The scrubs idea was great, also. I wouldn't have minded wearing those!
She is a paid employee and not your relative. Hurt feelings or not she has been given the holiday off. Stick to your decision.
#2 FIRE HER. This has nothing to do with personalities, this woman has crossed professional boundaries with your husband and has admitted it to you.
Start looking for her replacement immediately and let her go before she does more damage to your family.
My thoughts are will you, Your instincts are correct about this woman. She is trouble.
After thinking on it, if this is a live-in caregiver, and she is home, there would be a problem in not having her at the table, imop. So, I guess you have to decide if you want this person in your home after that. Does she still have a home, or is this it for her? That would be a whole other issue. Keep posting until you all figure this out. You could treat her as an employee and ask her to help with the dinner and clean up. You could have her cook for Mom and you go out with family, leaving poor Mom with caregiver? There are so many possibilities.
Wishing that it is me jumping to conclusions, reading something that is not there into the thread, wishing I am wrong.
-Since when does 'being more direct equal being mean?'
-Talking about professionalism in employers, since when is an employee wearing tight yoga pants and flirting your with husband professional?
-I agree with Garden Artist, that maybe the caregiver would do well to volunteer at a soup kitchen on that day if she has no where to be on her day off.
-the caregiver sees herself as 'close' to your husband and not so much with you?
Because something is 'wrong with you?' What does any contact with your husband have to do with her caregiving your Mom, let alone becoming 'close?'
-You say your Mom has noticed. You have noticed. Your husband has noticed.
Where are you finding your caregivers? Why is there so much interaction with your family if the caregiver is there to caretake your Mom?
-Just the fact that you had to ask this question sends up so many red flags! Why are you doubting yourself?
I am guessing you came here for support. I don't see that happening here yet. Maybe some have jumped to conclusions?
Do not open the door and allow wolves into your home.
Your worries cannot be solved by becoming a better employer or closer to your mothers caregiver. Have your mom fire her. Before thanksgiving.
It's a full moon, I have seen this behavior on the threads before. Maybe there is something about you that I am not seeing, but the caregivers have been less than welcoming to you and your question. Just saying, because they are good people.
She's also from a different generation; maybe that's accepted behavior in her age and social group. As has been suggested repeatedly, the OP needs to have some discussions with her to try to work out these differences. That's the way professional employers handle issues - achieving good working relationships doesn't happen overnight.
Personally, I would never be a caregiver b/c I wouldn't want to deal with amateur employers.
There's a thread on one of the gardening forums I visit in which members share how they're spending Thanksgiving. Some are working at soup kitchens to help dish up meals for the homeless and needy. Before the holiday others are donating excess produce from their gardens to soup kitchens. One woman paid for a night's stay at a motel for a homeless woman.