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Wife has 2 children (independently wealthy) and 5 grandchildren (all professional with good income). All have turned their backs on us. We are slowly dying without support. Do we have any recourse here?
erwash - you sound hopeless and bitter. I don't know why you say those resources we mentioned here (Aging Agency, social worker, etc.) are not helpful. I am sure in Florida, there are thousands of elderly who need help just like you, and I bet somehow they manage to find the right help.
You mentioned your wife have Medicaid. Since your wife is at stage 4 of dementia, ask her doctor if she is qualified to be in a nursing home. If so, the doctor can order that. Then, she can be looked after 24/7, and you can visit daily to make sure she's being well taken care of.
Also, have to talked to an elder law attorney? This is for the purpose of getting the type of Medicaid that will pay for nursing home.
If where you live is so isolated and no competent help and services available, then you should consider relocating to where there are better services.
Hi there Erwash Here is the website for the Florida Area Agency on Aging. Ask them to come to your home and do an assessment for your wife. Give them the names and addresses and phone numbers of your wife’s children. How long has it been since she has seen any of them? Doctors don’t have a cure for Alz but they can sometimes help with the symptoms. Maybe you could give them a second chance? http://elderaffairs.state.fl.us/doea/arc.php
Hi Erwash, you are getting some comments here that you probably don’t like. However you say that you “Gave up on regular doctor, then gerontologist, then elder care specialist, then az/dementia specialist. None of them knows what they are doing”. You also say that all the local agencies are “severely lacking in experience, competence and general caring”. It sounds as though you don’t like a lot of things that most people find helpful. Perhaps your children and grandchildren find you difficult to deal with?
It might be best if you ask for financial help rather than close contact. However as everyone in the family seems to have good jobs, income and assets, you might need to put together the sort of financial information that a bank or loan company would want, to explain what you need and why.
It isn’t easy getting old, or dealing with people who are getting old. I hope that you and your wife can find some happiness.
Poster does seem very difficult to deal with. Who knows the history between them and their children. There's always two sides to every story, and perception is not reality. Poster asked how he could "force" them to help. Perhaps therein lies the problem with their children.
He’s in Florida which has excellent resources. I am quite shocked at his claims. I think Nydaughter hit the nail on the head-he’s difficult to work with and therein lies the problem.
My husband’s best friends parents are, I guess you could say “snow birds”. They don’t spend winters in FL and summers in CA, they spend 2 months here and then 2 in Florida and so on. And according to them, they get MUCH BETTER care in FL. The husband suffered a TIA shortly after arriving in FL last November and said his experience was like night and day. Had it occurred here in Cali, it would have taken weeks to get testing done and see see specialists. In FL it took a matter of days.
Very sad you hate your parents so much. My wife raised her children and then the 5 grandchildren, spending the majority of her time and money in that regard. Why now would they not want to repay the debt. 25 years long ago vs a few years now? And the community based resources here now for us are non-existent.
I'm so sorry you are feeling abandoned by your family and while I might not think twice about supporting my parents financially if I were able I don't think how much income they have makes any difference legally. I would stop wasting energy on trying to get support from her children and grandchildren and focus on getting the support that is available in your area to seniors who don't have family means or help. We, I do all of that administrative stuff and research for my mom but there are people provided by the state who will do this for you too. I would be more concerned about none of her decedents having contact with her, visiting, calling those are the really sad things she's missing, whatever the reason.
The OP is in Florida which does not have Filial laws. The wife’s children cannot be forced to help out. Filial laws are about financial responsibility anyway. To the OP, I must ask.....what kind of support do you want from them and did you consider that they may not be able to support you? Do they even live nearby? They are professionals so they jobs. They have spouses and children. It is not that easy to take on an aging parent.
I thought I made it clear that they are all independently wealthy. Her daughter does not work, her son is an entrepreneur, her children have endowments. While they do not live close, their ability to assist financially is limitless.
When did the disconnect occur, and do you know why? Do you have any children who can help out, or are you hoping the wealthy ones on her side will do it all? Maybe between your children if you have any, and hers,, if both are seeing they are being asked equally it may help? And how long have you been married? Did the children feel you were "dad"?
Disconnect began years ago with our marriage, 2nd for both, now 16 years. Same problem with children on my side, We are both in our 80's, so "dad" or "mom" not a real problem.
No lawyer is going to go after a person who doesn't want to take care of their parents. There's no money in taking such a case when the person suing has standing but no money to pay the lawyer.
Even if poster's state did have filial responsibility laws - and Florida does not - in the modern era they are used to enforce child support, not parent support. That may change as more people, who were financially irresponsible, grow old and need social safety net benefits. And I suspect that nursing homes are the ones who are going to bring the lawsuits so beware!
But...and it's a big one...the courts will consider the adult-child’s income, the adult-child's own responsibilities to their own family, and the adult-child's family’s overall financial situation. No judge is going to force an adult-child to support his/her parent(s) if doing so will render them nearly destitute as well.
Hello erwash - first of all, I am so sorry that your wife has dementia, now at the late stage. It must be so difficult taking care of her by yourself without help. I don't know how you do it. You must have a lot of patience and love for her to be able to endure the caregiving job for four grueling years and counting, and without help. My hats off to you.
I am also so sorry that your wife's children and grandchildren are not helping her. There must be reasons for that but that doesn't matter at this point. If they don't want to help, even if there are some laws that force them to, I don't know if it's worth the fight and the time to go after them.
Here are some places you should call: --your local Aging Agency, sometimes called Office on Aging --Adult Protective Services --local hospital and ask for a social worker --local Alzheimer's/dementia support group --local Adult Daycare center and ask to talk to a social worker if they have one --an attorney specializes in elder law who can help you apply for Medicaid --Veteran Affairs (if you or your wife had been in the service)
When you call these places, explain your situation and ask them for help or referral to resources that you can apply to help you and your wife.
Have done all of the above, mostly to no avail. I can comment on each one, but will just generally qualify them all as severely lacking in experience, competence and general caring.
Contrary to what every other posters has said, maybe. It depends which state you are in. You want to look into the filial laws. Filial laws require family members to care for other family members. Including children caring for their parents. While these laws were once common, most states got rid of them when social welfare systems like Social Security and Medicare came into existence. A handful of states still have filial laws but they are rarely enforced. You should consult a competent lawyer.
As always, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm buzzing from a super huge coffee with way too much sugar. So any resemblance to what I'm typing and words is purely a coincidence and in no way is advice. Please consult a competent lawyer.
Filial laws do not require anyone to take care of anyone else. Filial laws are about financial obligations. The OP is in Florida which has no filial laws. Even if there was filial law in his state, the family would NOT be forced to take care of them. Filial laws are very rarely enforced in the states that have them.
Your profile says that "time is running out" for the both of you. I urge you to find a geriatric social worker to help you. Your local hospital may have one on staff. If not, your public hospital will have one on staff.
I also urge you to consider placing your wife into respite care. That will give you some time to work with your area agencies and figure out how to best move forward. I would put your energy toward getting actual help.
Recourse? No. There is no legal obligation for adult children to financially support their parents. Same with grandkids and grandparents.
If both of your wife’s children and the adult grandchildren have cut ties with her, there has to be a reason. Usually the one who is cut off seems to never know why. Not saying it’s all due to your wife, but something has happened along the way for it to be like this.
The short answer is that you can’t force anyone to do anything.
Tell your doctors your situation and concerns. See what they suggest. Ask them to connect you to a social worker. The social worker will give you contact numbers for people who will be able to help.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You mentioned your wife have Medicaid. Since your wife is at stage 4 of dementia, ask her doctor if she is qualified to be in a nursing home. If so, the doctor can order that. Then, she can be looked after 24/7, and you can visit daily to make sure she's being well taken care of.
Also, have to talked to an elder law attorney? This is for the purpose of getting the type of Medicaid that will pay for nursing home.
If where you live is so isolated and no competent help and services available, then you should consider relocating to where there are better services.
Here is the website for the Florida Area Agency on Aging.
Ask them to come to your home and do an assessment for your wife.
Give them the names and addresses and phone numbers of your wife’s children. How long has it been since she has seen any of them?
Doctors don’t have a cure for Alz but they can sometimes help with the symptoms. Maybe you could give them a second chance?
http://elderaffairs.state.fl.us/doea/arc.php
That simply can't be true. What county do you live in?
It might be best if you ask for financial help rather than close contact. However as everyone in the family seems to have good jobs, income and assets, you might need to put together the sort of financial information that a bank or loan company would want, to explain what you need and why.
It isn’t easy getting old, or dealing with people who are getting old. I hope that you and your wife can find some happiness.
Are you in the U.S.?
My husband’s best friends parents are, I guess you could say “snow birds”. They don’t spend winters in FL and summers in CA, they spend 2 months here and then 2 in Florida and so on. And according to them, they get MUCH BETTER care in FL. The husband suffered a TIA shortly after arriving in FL last November and said his experience was like night and day. Had it occurred here in Cali, it would have taken weeks to get testing done and see see specialists. In FL it took a matter of days.
It is not the responsibility of your wife’s children and grandchildren to look after you.
There are are community based resources that you can contact to request help.
Even if poster's state did have filial responsibility laws - and Florida does not - in the modern era they are used to enforce child support, not parent support. That may change as more people, who were financially irresponsible, grow old and need social safety net benefits. And I suspect that nursing homes are the ones who are going to bring the lawsuits so beware!
But...and it's a big one...the courts will consider the adult-child’s income, the adult-child's own responsibilities to their own family, and the adult-child's family’s overall financial situation. No judge is going to force an adult-child to support his/her parent(s) if doing so will render them nearly destitute as well.
I am also so sorry that your wife's children and grandchildren are not helping her. There must be reasons for that but that doesn't matter at this point. If they don't want to help, even if there are some laws that force them to, I don't know if it's worth the fight and the time to go after them.
Here are some places you should call:
--your local Aging Agency, sometimes called Office on Aging
--Adult Protective Services
--local hospital and ask for a social worker
--local Alzheimer's/dementia support group
--local Adult Daycare center and ask to talk to a social worker if they have one
--an attorney specializes in elder law who can help you apply for Medicaid
--Veteran Affairs (if you or your wife had been in the service)
When you call these places, explain your situation and ask them for help or referral to resources that you can apply to help you and your wife.
Do come back and let us know what you find out.
As always, I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm buzzing from a super huge coffee with way too much sugar. So any resemblance to what I'm typing and words is purely a coincidence and in no way is advice. Please consult a competent lawyer.
Your profile says that "time is running out" for the both of you. I urge you to find a geriatric social worker to help you. Your local hospital may have one on staff. If not, your public hospital will have one on staff.
I also urge you to consider placing your wife into respite care. That will give you some time to work with your area agencies and figure out how to best move forward. I would put your energy toward getting actual help.
If both of your wife’s children and the adult grandchildren have cut ties with her, there has to be a reason. Usually the one who is cut off seems to never know why. Not saying it’s all due to your wife, but something has happened along the way for it to be like this.
Tell your doctors your situation and concerns. See what they suggest. Ask them to connect you to a social worker. The social worker will give you contact numbers for people who will be able to help.
Have you contacted your local Area Agency on Aging?