My husband is 83 with mid to late stage Alzheimer's. I am sole caregiver with an aide two days a week for 4 hours each. I am in process of cleaning out my old home to sell which is where my "free" time goes. Almost done thank God. My 95 year old mother still lives on own but feeling lonely as her friends have all died or in nursing homes. Problem my oldest brother thinks I should spend a day a week with her. She lives an hour away from me and my husband gets upset after 20 minutes in car. He keeps putting guilt trip on. I have 1 sister and three brothers only one still working. I feel 3 not working should take on this task. Am I wrong?
Seems to me no matter how old you get, you still see your older brother as someone you have to answer to and obey. Why do you have to even listen to him? Why? Is it because he has money? You mentioned he had more money than all the siblings put together. How old are you now? Isn't it time you grow up? And be your own woman? Instead, you're still acting and thinking like a little sister wanting brother's approval.
GROW UP AND GROW A BACKBONE, WOMAN!!!
The only final way to break through this is to learn how to tell someone who *does* intimidate you (and it's no good saying you shouldn't let them - they just do!) to get stuffed. And the only way to do that is genuinely to lose your temper with him, just once, so that you completely forget your manners. But when it happens, it's wonderful - a weight lifts.
On the other hand, you have your hands full with hubby. Is there anything you could offer to all of the siblings in regard to helping out mom? Could they possibly bring her to you for a couple of days every two weeks or so? Could you arrange for someone to visit with mom once a week? Explain to your siblings that hubby is not dealing well with a two hour drive weekly and his own health is (?) worse than mom's - you're doing everything you can to keep the home front moving along. Your time out of the house covered by paid caregivers is so that you can run personal errands, groceries, things you cannot do when caring for hubby. Maybe just a heart to heart with all the siblings, without pointing fingers or telling them who you think should be doing the visits with mom, will help them have a little more understanding for your own situation.
And my answer to that is NO. You are not. They are.
Sorry for the language in advance.
Some of us were taught that we must be polite, prim and proper and all that jazz. We see it as offensive and it’s not. I live in the south and we are taught to be polite from very young.
We also have to learn to recognize manipulative actions of others. They are masters at gaslighting us. Another thing my therapist taught me.
Finally, the big one, ‘GUILT!’ Oh boy, this emotion absolutely crippled me. Wait, make that ‘paralyzed’ me. I am taking to the point of not seeing or thinking clearly.
Hey, I have no right or place to judge anyone for being stuck because anyone on this forum who knows my history will tell you that I was stuck for a very long time.
It’s high time that we develop or retain a backbone and take on a feisty, strong attitude. Oh, one more thing, and be proud of standing up for ourselves.
We have advocated for elders for so long that we forget about ourselves. We shouldn’t feel badly about not being able to do more than we can possibly do.
Of course, the most vulnerable, our elderly need protection and care but we as individuals must accept that we can only do so much.
Huge thanks to all the strong voices out there that helped me so much when I needed it. I am eternally grateful 💗.
Ive always been available and not anymore and he doesnt want to accept it.
You don’t need to feel guilty. I know that you wish none of this was happening. It’s not easy for anyone. I can appreciate that.
No.
Learn it, use it, love it :)
I’ll bet good money you hear no more from him on this topic.
U can say the truth politely without debate. Simply tell them though you love ur mom your husband comes 1st with his illness and it just cannot work.
Hugs and prayers for you as you get through this times as a full time caretaker of your husband
Come back and tell us how it goes.
I would host a meeting with all of your siblings to discuss mom's needs. There is nothing wrong with saying I can't take this on, but I can help make decisions about options. You could suggest one of them take her in, you could suggest an Assisted Living Facility, you could suggest an agency send a "sitter" in for 3 hrs a day...etc. There are also adult day cares she could go to for companionship.
Bottom line is you can say no. I will visit when I can, but I have my hands full.