I grew up in a household where my mother’s form of nurturing was with the belt and gaslighting. I was blamed for quite a lot. I became the family scapegoat. I eventually moved away to escape my mother’s and my grandparents’ controlling behavior. To this day, many decades later I am treated by my siblings in that manner.
I put my household in storage and moved from out of state to help care for my mother who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. It has been a challenge. My time is not my own and the only respite I have is when I’m in the shower or in bed. I’ve started slowly to get out for a break. I’m always walking on eggshells with my family to the point that I do not wish to be around them for any family gatherings. They never ask me how I’m holding up and my brother always has some form of feedback when it comes to my mother’s care. For example I went out to get something to eat while her caretaker was here. He told me to make certain to bring back something for my mother. I would never neglect my mother. I never get thanked for any updates I provide to them. I feel like I’m their employee instead of a member of the family. I’m not a trained caregiver so I do the best I can do for my mother. I’m only about three months into this and the stress is building up.
Tell them you quit and go live your life.
There is no excuse for abuse, ever. You should chalk this up to an education. Stand up, walk out and never look back at these people.
Get your belongings out of storage and resume your job and life.
It may take time to get a job and get back on your feet, but once you lay that foundation, you can go. You will be free. Your family will come unglued. Fine. Let them. They already treat you badly, they will continue, but they can continue without you. Let them take care of mother. You’ve done your part. Now it’s up to someone else. You need to take care of you. Yeah, it’ll be hard, but what’s happening now is no way to live. The geographically farther away the better, so there’s no way they can cajole you into coming back “for just a few days” or stopping for an overnight. If you are so inclined, you can keep tabs on your mom. You can send you mother gifts, talk on the phone if she’s able. You are not forsaking her…you are standing up for yourself. It sounds like she has always treated you badly, so if you decided to break contact for your own well being, then do it. Don’t let some guilt trip make you feel like you need to stick around.
Also, keep your plans to yourself for now, because they will first try to make you feel even worse and second they will try to talk you out of leaving (because it will hit home what you leaving really means for them!) please don’t fall for empty promises of they will help…they won’t. They haven’t yet. Save yourself. Seriously, make your plans for your life. Good luck!
I’ve questioned my motives for wanting to help out. I think perhaps I’m looking for redemption and acceptance. Perhaps also to allow my siblings to see me in a different light. All this remains to be seen.
Children like us of such parents are groomed to believe we're responsible for their happiness and for their care until they're dead or until we're dead, whichever comes first. Which isn't true, it's just something that's stuck in our heads as it was intended to be.
What WE decide to do about it is entirely up to US. Hopefully, we don't wind up dying before they do, and then it's all a moot point anyway.
Wishing you the best of luck disentangling yourself from the mess, if that's what you wish to do.
If not, write up a resignation, give your bosses 6-8 weeks notice, and stick to it.
You had crafted a life you deserved. You made personal sacrifices.
You don’t say how the original plan was developed, or why you agreed to it.
If you allow yourself to be used, you will be used.
DON’T HANG AROUND LETTING THAT HAPPEN.
Don't go down this path. Seek self-acceptance through therapy.
And by the way, my mom had vascular dementia. No angry or abusive words ever crossed her lips.
Your mom is abusive due to mental illness which in turn has twisted your familial relationships.
My response is always the same and I ask if living rent free justifies slavery and abuse. If one of my siblings was going on about free rent, I would remind them that I make their lives possible. That if it wasn't for me they would have to be the ones caregiving for mother and taking her abuse.
Get out. Go away. We all have limited time in our lives. Do not waste yours any longer. You tried, I tried, many of us have. She's not going to change and you cannot make her treat you well, so you need to treat yourself well. And seriously consider going low or no contact with your siblings. We have to find our own family - those who love us, respect us, care about us, like us even! THIS DOES NOT HAVE TO BE YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN.
Look into things like grey rock. And setting boundaries.
Make sure you are taking care of yourself. You come first! How bad is your mom's condition? Can she be left alone? If not, please get someone to sit with her so you can get out! It doesn't matter if she likes it or not. It needs to be done for YOU.
When this becomes too much, make arrangements for her care and extricate yourself as quickly as possible. You are giving her a big gift and you get to decide when it ends.
Family strife is a biggie in these situations, and you can be kind, but redirect to saying WE are doing fine, thank you for asking. Get some ooutside help. You should never do it alone. Siblings should be helping with care, and if not, with money to help with expenses.
Give the family members a 30 day notice that other arrangements must be made and in the meantime, tell all Siblings that they need to fill in some time slots so you can have a break during thraters.
Care giving is very hard, even for the experience Caregiver.
It will literally drain the life out of you slowly but surely.
You need help, it is not a one person job.
Prayers
Prayers.
..of course no one mentions the enormous financial decision weighing in to put them in a facility.....my next point is the lack of funds confronting the person,or the ownership of the house where one has to give over these things before putting your loved one away....is what tears at you .............now i will say if you are fortunate and
not a working class family you do have funds to go the next step.........our Healthcare system with daycare at least or a visting nurse at 25 dollars an hour.....as well as parents do not want to leave their home...that is a given....most of the time there are instances where an assisted living situation is great ..many are now 3500 and up per mo. so the caretaking becomes a guiltrip and unknown...actually my brother had everything under control...he did not want to be interfered with having his schedule down with the folks but i noticed when i visited he was resentful or i should say he wanted to live in his own home but by default this is what happened....97ys is a long time..he did a fantastic job!
after i was in charge and could no longer accomadate Dad..he walked around at nite was incontinent..so after he fell I left him in rehab and then did not bring him back home.....no one knows the timeframe...dad passed four mos later and I did all the after work funerals..etc.try to work it out.
Family will probably not step up to help, so spend your time now arranging for more in-home care or for placement for your mother.
awful siblings of course are delighted someone else is sacrificing their life! someone else has all the problems/stress.
i hope your siblings are truly treating you the right way.
You need your separate place to live.
This situation will only have a negative impact on your health. You deserve your own life.
We teach people how to treat us. Do not allow yourself to be abused further.
In the end, if this is that stressful, advice your family that you are making plans to remove yourself unless significant help is forthcoming. Make it known that your level of assistance will be equal to theirs. And if they can't agree or understand, then your martyr days should be numbered because I would seriously doubt your family will come to your aid if you become the patient mentally or physically.
If you really DO want want to go down this road, set and maintain BOUNDARIES - you decide what those are. Cut contact if those boundaries not respected. No one controls you but you.
It's kind of like when dating a guy who takes you for granted: stop being so available. As you likely read on this forum, moving in with aging parent or having them move in with you too often leads to trouble. All the best.
Once you recognized you're the scapegoat, you can walk away ( which you did and very probably would have been my response ), or stay and fight back, or stay and let everyone continue treating you the same.
Not sure I am qualified to give advice, but I've always felt compelled to side with the underdog. And I would strongly encourage you to NOT let everyone continue treating you as they have always done, continuing to be miserable and get to a breaking point. I would want to advise to stand up and "fight"..... hold your ground.
In the first place, when you take time to go out, all you need to do is say you're going out. I wouldn't say anything else. You don't need to explain to anyone.
But once you said that and your brother told you to bring something back, I'd say, oh, sorry, but I won't be coming right back and can't bring leftovers... or something to that effect. Or even, don't say anything, don't answer, just ignore, and forget to do that.
Take time when you're alone, figure out things that are said to you, and come up with a response to have ready. I would suggest practicing this so you can be ready and say things calmly. You don't want to argue, but you need to stand up for yourself. YOU must take care of yourself.
That's good to know.
But fyi, your comment about someone else's comments being rude and offensive, show you have plenty of backbone, at least on-line.
Just know that that person was NOT trying to be nasty in thinking that you MIGHT be living with your mom just to "stay living for free". No one knows "you" but after having read these posts for years, there are plenty others who have done this, not because they are "bad" or "selfish" but to help their parent, sometimes sibling.
Most of us on here sincerely want to help and give advice based on the initial question and we probably all read into it based on our individual experiences. So, please don't bite someone's head off when they try to help.
You moved on to ‘I’ve questioned my motives for wanting to help out. I think perhaps I’m looking for redemption and acceptance. Perhaps also to allow my siblings to see me in a different light’. Now you are not only feeling clearer about your own plans, you feel happier about your relations with your siblings.
That’s a huge shift in just a few days! Well done! We have posters who are stuck in the same place for months or years. I’m sure that we all hope that things continue to go well. Clearly you are very capable of thinking your way out of the problems you encounter, and long may it stay that way! Best wishes, Margaret
Hugs 🤗
Since your family members are not supportive, find your support in other people. Get enough others - friends, members of your faith community, and paid help - to make sure your needs are not neglected. Your health, your needs for positive social interactions, your need for "time off" are as important as caring for your mom's needs.
I have a thought I remind myself when I feel mistreated,
"Living my best life and being my best self is the best form of revenge."
It also helps that I can pray to Christ who totally understands me and helps me to live the thought above.