How do I get past being the family scapegoat?

PMoskowitz: I did see your quite positive update that things are looking better for you in your temporary caregiving role. Good luck.

Get out! There is no reason on the face of this earth why you of all the siblings should be trying to care for an abusive mother, and no reason why you should walk on egg shells around your siblings. They obviously have unfortunately grown up in the follow parent manner and the best thing for you is to walk away from them all and make your life without them. Let them take on the care for mother, and refuse to let them treat you like she did. I wouldn't be too bothered about telling them not to dare to talk to you like that. Move away and leave them to it - abuse never goes away whilst one stays in the vicinity of the abuser - they don't change and you seem to have a second generation coming along. Are they going to expect you to look after them - get out whilst you still have some sanity and make a life you are entitled to and can enjoy. You may want to seek some assistance/counselling on the abuse to help you on your journey - hypnotherapy from a qualified and registered hypnotherapist can be very useful in this situation. (Get details from registering body, lot of charletans around, but someone properly qualified can help.)

It is time to say bye bye to not just to your mother but the whole family.
Go complete no contact.

I know all too well how it is to come from an abusive home like you did. To be the one who gets all the abuse, all the blame, all the gaslighting and all the guilt. I've always been the target for any family member who is having a bad day or time and wants someone to bully. You feel like an employee to your siblings, but the truth of it is you are less than that to them. An employee has a life outside of work. When their shift is over, they go home. They also get paid. Your shift is never over.

You are a slave. Your siblings and abusive mother are your masters.

From one scapegoat to another, tell your family and your abusive mother to F-off and walk away. Even if mom is planning on leaving you a nice estate (she likely isn't because family scapegoats never get the money), it's not worth it.
In the meantime, set some serious boundaries and stick to them. You do not answer to your siblings or your mother. You go where you please without explanation and without bringing something back for mom.
And, last but certainly not least, you start demanding payment in cash money for being mom's caregiving services. If this is refused then they may need a practical lesson demonstrating what life becomes if you stop caregiving. Then totally stop. Go on strike. Do absolutely nothing. Don't even get your mother a glass of water. Completely ignore her and them. Leave for a while if you can.
This is what I did and my situation improved a tenfold. You want respect from your family, demand it. How you demand it is leave them all in the weeds for a bit, including mom. When she dishes out the abuse and gaslighting, serve it right back to her with an extra portion. When your siblings behave like ingrates and refuse to help, you tell them that when you call them, they will come. Otherwise mom will be dropped off at a hospital ER and you will ask for a Social Admit because you are unable and unwilling to be her caregiver anymore. Ask them if they're willing to take a chance and see if you will. Then do it if you have to. I don't think you will have to though. Good luck.

Continue to do the best you can. If you're uncomfortable at family gatherings, let family members know you have something planned for yourself and they will need to collect mom for the day(or two)-or- you will be dropping her off at XX time. Or just drop her and say I'll be back about Xpm to get her - I have an important errand or luncheon with someone. Y'all have a good time while I'm gone.

When he makes a remark like the 'don't forget to bring mom something to eat', be a little creative and prepared with an answer: Thanks, how nice of you....you did say bring back something and you will pay for the treat. Or, My goodness, does that mean she's supposed to eat everyday??? I wouldn't have known...laugh...laugh.

If they make you feel like an employee - jokingly say, I'm not employed here, I'm a volunteer who is doing the best I can. Or maybe, you know how it is - you get what you pay for.

Have you directly asked any of the other family members to show up on a certain timeframe so you can get out for a day or so? That is really important. Some people are totally oblivious to what someone else is going through. They won't step up on their own, but some will bend if given a certain request for a certain time and date(s).

First of all, you deserve praise for taking on the role of caretaker, which is a never-ending thankless (from others) job. It's obvious you are a kind and loving person, and no one can take that away from you. Believe it.
It's a little hard to tell if you are deciding to stay or want to opt out at this point. I can say that your siblings will not value what you do until they are in your shoes. (I used to inform my siblings with updates as you did, rarely even got a reply. Got the most "feedback" from the sibling who was least involved). My solution to this - stop updating them. If they want to know something, they can call you and ask.
You chose the responsibility to oversee your mother's care, but that doesn't mean you can't ask for help. Whether that help is more hired aid, or whether you can muster the courage to ask your siblings to pitch in - please do one or the other - or BOTH. I can assure you that as time goes by, your Mom's needs will increase; and you will feel those walls closing in on you if you don't get more support.
When you ask for your siblings help, give clear suggestions on what you want them to do - whether it be relieving you every other weekend, or taking Mom to appointments, or food shopping, etc. Only you know what would help you and what each sibling would be able to reasonably handle. If they refuse, or give a bunch of excuses, then inform them that you must use your mother's money to hire more in-home care so you can get some relief. Then DO IT.
Last, if you decide you no longer want to be the live-in caretaker, give your siblings some notice, then prepare to leave. There's no shame in admitting you bit off more than you can chew. Your siblings assessment of you means NOTHING, the bottom line is finding alternative care for your mother - which should be a group effort.
The underlying message here is confidently stand up for yourself. Do it respectfully but confidently, without the anger and angry words I see being advised in many posts here. It's a long road between now and the time your mom passes, and keeping things civil (but distanced if you choose) until the end will be best for all of you. I wish you support and caring on your journey.

I was in the same boat as you and took care of my parents, both with dementia, and a sister with autism for many years. My other three siblings, especially my two older sisters, always had some critical remark to say even though they knew nothing about caregiving and I had a professional background in it. You will always be the scapegoat I’m sorry to say. The pattern has already been established. You could do the most perfect job in the world and it still won’t be good enough for them. Don’t sacrifice your life like I did trying to love your parents and doing what you think is right for them. You have to take care of yourself first. Handover the reins to your siblings and get on with your own life. Don’t feel any guilt or obligation because you made an honest effort and realized this was not a good fit. They have no right to destroy you emotionally and you have no moral obligation to remain as caregiver. Tell them you will be moving in one month or two months at the most and start making arrangements for the move, including getting a job and living in a place of your choosing. The deadline you give them must be firm and you must honor it even if you think you’ll be leaving your mother in the lurch. They will blame you for everything, so expect that you will be blamed, but don’t accept their opinions. This will be hard to do, but in the end it will be better for you and for your mother.

Your mother is an evil witch. She will never change. You are only 3 months in and already it is too much. What if she lives another 5, 10 or more years? Imagine what you will become then. You made a mistake uprooting your life to take care of her. Own that and do what you need to do to get the hell out of there. The sooner the better. Woman like your mother will never appreciate anything you do for them. Ever.

It's sad and cruel when a parent subtley allows siblings to pick on one child in the family. Like wolf-pack behavior. And crazy family dynamics are hard to figure out since each family is different! “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” ~ Leo Tolsoy. So true! I can't really advise you--not knowing you, but I can say that, barring something miraculous, they are not going to change. It is up to you to change and to not seek positive affirmation from these people, because "there ain't no water of love" to be found there. Instead do things that makes you feel good about yourself. Start small and maybe keep a journal of your accomplishments in this new role. Take a class if you can and get a caregiver to come over to give you a break. Make sure you are taking good care of yourself, your health and appearance. Plan ahead for the day when Mom leaves this earth. Where do you want to live when that day comes? Start looking at real estate in your dream location. It will give you something to work toward. Also, please find a sympathetic person or counselor to talk to that's not connected to your family. You need a supportive network right now. I'm glad you have reached out to this site. I find it to be helpful. If it gets to be too much, then it's time to move on and it sounds like you have the means to do so. You are a good person who is trying to do a good thing--care for your mother--and God will bless you. I'm so happy I helped my siblings care for our mother. It wasn't easy at times, but it's something no one can take away from me.

Family scapegoat here! I hear ya!

My advice. Cut ties with them. That's what I'm doing. They can't insult you or treat you bad if you aren't near.

Fortunately in my case my mom has passed already so I don't need to deal with my siblings. It's not fortunate she's gone. I miss her always. But there is that bright side!

NightHeron,

You are absolutely right about everything. All too often family scapegoats allow themselves to be roped into caregiving. It is because we still try for the acceptance, validation, and yes love, that our parents and siblings deny us. The best day of any family scapegoat's life is when they finally realize that no matter what they do, they will never get it. That sets you free.

FunkyGrandma,
I normally agree with you on most things, but you're dead wrong on this one. NightHeron is right. Everyone does not deserve the best possible care from their family or any for that matter. No one has to live with abuse and disrespect either, no matter how needy their elderly "loved one" is.
Whatever PMoskowitz's motives for being the caregiver, the mother and siblings are the ones who are benefitting.
Our beloved seniors should have given a thought about how they treated their kids and family before they became needy and elderly. If their children weren't given the best care possible by them when they were needly little kids, how can they expect it from them when those kids are grown and their time of need is here?
Don't expect from others what you were unwilling to give yourself.
Some people only deserve to have their basic needs met and nothing more. You get what you give in life.

We show people how to treat us. You’re re-enacting your childhood role in the family. When flying with children we are always advised “put your air mask on first before assisting your child.” Point: we can’t be a caretaker for others if we don’t take care of ourselves. Being a parent’s caregiver can be tough work. You’ve tried hard but can’t continue. Consider being angry with yourself and changing course. Your resentment toward and subsequent estrangement from your family hurts you. Make future plans for her care sooner than later.

PM... You're definitely not alone. I have a very similar situation and I'm still in the middle if it all... At this point, I know I'll never get out of feeling like an outsider and am appalled at how my family has treated me after years... Sadly, my parent is very frail now, so I work around it... Then I know things will go silent. Very heartbreaking to say the least. As a Christian, I pray a lot...
Best Wishes... and, love for Christmas and the new year...

I have been looking after my elderly dad on my own for a few years. He has Vascular Parkinsonism. My sister began to help but kept distancing herself when dad was really sick or I was telling her how much I felt alone. I realise I have been the families scapegoat. I kept hinting to my sister I was struggling & upset etc the more I text the more she kept away. Finally I spoke my mind politely but in response had my niece stick up for her mum & I was the bad guy again! I phoned a social worker. I had carers burnout & now have carers help twice through the night. I sent a text to let my sister know that I was burnt out , felt drained & Ill. Made no difference to her. She's kept away , no concern & I'm sure she's enjoying Xmas festivities while I carry on helping my poor dad phoning drs & dealing with everything. It has hurt me & I feel sad & angry that to this day my sister has managed to escape the worry & anxieties that come with caring for dad. All I do now is pray that I continue to help my dad as best I can to give me strength. I feel comforted with the carers around me & I've bought each a gift for Xmas as they are angels. One thing I do know is that I am glad I am not a selfish person like my sister. Seeing how she has been for the past few years since mum passed has been an eye opener. She's cruel, a liar & self absorbed. One day she will need me but I won't be there.

FunkyGrandma,

God bless you for being a Christian and forgiving your parents. If that's what worked and helped you to heal from the heinous abuse your parents were the perpetrators of then good for you. What worked for you doesn't work for everyone. There's a reason why my favorite story is 'The Count Of Monte Cristo'. Some people heal when they know things are even.
sp19690 is also right too. Whatever helps the person heal from the abuse is what's right.

Interesting information regarding the siblings:

https://www.identifyandheal.co.uk/adult-scapegoat-daughter/

"Siblings are an integral part of narcissistic supply for the narcissistic mother. The Adult Scapegoat Daughter due to her position of vulnerability and powerlessness as a child, becomes the target for her siblings and mothers psychological cohesion into adulthood. All of the behaviours and emotional distress that we were subjected to by our siblings and mother during childhood, do not just vanish in a puff of smoke as we reach womanhood, unfortunately. Sadly adulthood for the scapegoated daughter in a narcissistic family does not change, it in fact becomes worse.

Our siblings will go to great lengths to damage our self-confidence and self-worth, to fortify their own. They are forever imprinted and conditioned by narcissistic mother to try to undermine and compete with us in any way, shape or form that they are able to, and their jealousy and envy of the scapegoat runs deep and it never diminishes. This abuse can present in many forms, both covertly and overtly."

I'm so sorry to read this and I can really relate to it, too. I have been told I'm the "scapegoat" as well by several therapists. I know your feeling of gaslighting and being the outcast. I've been taking care of my mom for two years and took care of my father who had Alzheimer's before that by moving in and living on their couch for a year because my mother couldn't handle it and my sister "had a life" (response I got when I asked why she couldn't help more). I'm treated with complete disdain, do all the work but told I am the problem. (Because now I try to stick up for myself and call out the dysfunction).

Just today I got really mad at mom. Mom is "nice" when everything goes smoothly, but has never admitted or believed she ever does anything wrong. Can't think about her behavior--needs to be praised. My sister causes problems all the time by not cooperating with my small requests (give me advance notice if she wants to come over) and just recently told me I have a victim mentality. Well, I don't know--I've had cancer, chemo and a double mastectomy, my husband died by suicide after two years of marriage while we were building our "dream home" after a time apart because of business, and now I'm caring for my mom 24/7 while doing a full-time job. And I'm doing it and I'm really not complaining (because they don't even speak to me, so how can I complain), but a little empathy, compassion and HELP once in a while would be great. No way.

Today I told mom I thought it was horrible that my sister said that, since she never has done much to help in two years and she has no filter and feels entitled to say whatever she wants--and my mother always, always sticks up for her. She could murder me and my mother would say, "I don't take sides." I say I expect her to agree with what is RIGHT. It doesn't matter what she does to me, I am never validated, never stood up for, and made out to be the villain. It's always been this way--my sister does horrible things and there are/were never any consequences, not as children or now as seniors. She's stolen from me, posted horrible things on Facebook that aren't true, and bad-mouthed me to my nieces and nephews. My mom knows all this and ignores it and gets angry when I get upset about it. I only get complete denial in response like I'm out of my mind. I sacrificed my retirement and took in my mom in the middle of deep grief. I do everything for her to try to keep her safe and happy and she still never sticks up for me when I'm wronged or abused (I do see a therapist because of my husband and a grief counselor and they both concur) It's demoralizing, depressing and maddening. I'm completely invisible except when I'm justifiably angry & then I'm wrong. I'm sorry for anyone else that has to suffer through this.. It's so unfair. I wish I never ever took my mother into my home. She has physical disabilities that made her leave AL (because they refused to help with a colostomy and she's in a wheelchair). Her mind is there so I felt bad putting her in a nursing home on Medicaid where I thought she wouldn't have anyone to talk to. I was so involved with my husband the 5-6 years before his death, I forgot how awful it is to be in a relationship with them and how they made me feel. I got used to my husband and altho I always knew he was a nice person, forgot how great it was when he took me "away" physically and emotionally from them. Now that I'm back, I'm going crazy. It's like I'm in the Twilight Zone. It's all black but everyone keeps telling me it's white.

When my siblings come to visit, they don't even say hello to me, just walk in the door like I'm a doormanl. If I try to set boundaries they say they will report me to senior services --they want open access to my house 24/7 even when I'm not here and I refused.. They can come 5/7 nights a week or anytime 3 days a week which they didn't come near to doing before. When this is over, I am gone.

Jeanelf... I feel like you were talking about me... I know there are numerous people treated like scapegoats out there. This year my dr (that I've know for 40 years) told me if I were you, I'd never talk to them (siblings) again... he was very upset.
You have been through way too much. Somehow, you need to be kind to yourself when all is said and done (like me... us caregivers). You deserve heaven here on earth.
Today, my mother asked me to buy here 2 $20 scratch lotto tickets... (this is a lot of money as far as I'm concerned to throw away... especially, when she's living here as a Queen... I pay for 99.9% of everything... she doesn't have much)... When I came home and gave her her tickets... AND, after she scratched them and I'm assuming were loosers... she told me "I never would have bought 'this' kind'... Believe me... I am still not happy... with her...
My siblings blatantly ignore me also,,, I'm learning the hard way not to care any more... I really don't have a choice...
That's how it is when you're treated as a 'scapegoat'... which is TOTAL DISRESPECT.
I guess this is how this world is...

Please note, question is from Dec 2021. OP has not replied since Dec 18. Probably left the group.