I have been getting mounting pressure from my mom and siblings to take my mother in my home and care for her. She lives alone now and does ok. I care for her as much as possible as I live an hour away and work full time. But I am seeing signs of mild dementia on and off. Her personality changes and incontinence issues are the biggest things. She has been pressuring me for some time but now my brother and sister are doing and saying little things that make me think they want me to take her. Mom is 93 and I am in my sixties. My brother is in his mid seventies and my sister has a disabled son. So they cannot do it. How can I say no and have them understand that I just don’t want to be tied down to a 93 year old person with dementia just when I can start living my life. I have sacrificed for a long time. Working to put my kids through college. It was tough for years. Now I am finally on my feet and close to retirement. I’d like to have some leisure time for myself. I could still care for mom but just don’t want her in my house 24/7. She’s a handful. But it just doesn’t go down well with them.
I think meeting with your siblings to put the subject of mum's increasing needs and care on the table is a good idea, so the hints can be openly voiced, options discussed and duties shared, as appropriate. I made it clear for years that I would not take my mother into my home. I did agree to be POA financial and medical which is something that needs to be discussed with your mum and sibs. If she is in early dementia she can still appoint a POA. That needs to be done asap.
When mum pressures you about moving to your home, gently answer that you love her and will always see that she is looked after. She is probably sensing her own decline and needs reassurance that her offspring will care for her.
You and your sibs need to discuss and look into suitable facilities, financial resources (medicaid application if there aren't any), and evaluation of your mum's dementia. She needs to have a needs assessment so you know what type of facility she would fit into.
"How can I say no and have them understand that I just don’t want to be tied down to a 93 year old person with dementia just when I can start living my life."
You can say no even if they don't understand. That they understand is not necessary. It would be nice and might help cooperation, but it is not necessary. You say it will not go down well with your sibs. You are not alone. Many here have critical sibs, who, on the other hand will not lift a finger to help. We get a tougher skin, look after ourselves and look after our parent as works for us. Having POA and being a supportive daughter is still a lot of work.
Stay firm, don't explain, state what you are prepared and not prepared to do, don't expect understanding. If you get it great. If not, oh well.
I was POA from a distance - physically and emotionally. Both my mother was and my sister is a handful, to say the least. Mother finally passed in 2018 aged 106 in a nursing home, having been first in assisted living. I was 80 at the time. You are wise to plan for some enjoyment in your retirement. I managed to have some trips and new experiences even though I was POA and aging myself.
Please come back and let us know how you are and how things are going. ((((((hugs))))))
As Daughterof1930 says, the discussion should be focused on WE need to get EVERYTHING in order to ensure mom is cared for properly. If she has a home and/or savings, these need to be handled in a way that the funds will cover her care. Elder Care attorney can assist with this prep, and can also help if mom has no assets (Medicaid.) naela.org can help find EC attys in your area using your zip code. Research places with available space. Draw up all questions for EC atty and the facilities you call to inquire about. They all, including the attys, have different rates, different services covered by those rates, extra charges for services beyond the "basics", and TOUR the ones that interest you, when you can of course. Ask questions - facilities will talk their places up, so you'll want to see it for yourself. Usually EC attys will allow a first limited consult for free. Go with the one that makes the best impression, not just the best price!
By getting prepared NOW, hopefully when the time comes (soon enough!) everything will be ready to go. If moving is delayed because of the virus, you could explore hiring help - you might have to accompany them initially, until she becomes used to having them there.
Any assets mom has should be used to cover costs (aides, facility, EC atty.)
From someone who had lots of therapy to say "no" - you can start the conversation politely "what options should we consider for mom's future care?" with your siblings. if they nominate you - politely decline "no, i am not able to do that, her care needs are beyond my ability and will only increase" and do not explain more. Any argument about wanting leisure time, etc will be railroaded by siblings. The explanation is that mom needs more care than you can provide - so the conversation needs to be around where will she get that care - what type of living arrangement. (assisted living, etc)
An arrangement that does not depend on you to spend 24/7 or significant time being hands on. You will have involvement in her care as will your siblings. But you will not be providing the hands on care.
My cousin who lives in Staten Island NY is fond of telling my mother she'd LOVE to have her come live with HER!! Um, then why hasn't she come to get her yet, after being in Assisted Living for 6 years now? You know why? Because talk is cheap, that's why. It sounds good for my cousin to make those noises but not mean a word of it. It's very very difficult to care for a demented elder inside of one's home. And, at your age (and my age), we should NOT have to be doing it! It's just too much, the incontinence issue alone.
Remember: it doesn't have to 'go down well' with your siblings that you are not taking your mother into your home. If they don't like it, too bad. See about getting her placed in Memory Care Assisted Living, or into Skilled Nursing with Medicaid. And if that doesn't work for your siblings, THEY can take her in their home, regardless of their reasons why they can't.
Best of luck!
I had done some research, knew a bit about what to expect and had a rough idea of costs, and already knew BEFORE dementia that living with me wasn't going to work! Note that like lealonnie1 says, even living in a facility requires our time and effort to be advocate and ensure they are cared for, just without the struggle of hands-on. Thankfully mom and dad had saved, and there was enough still to ensure she could afford a nice place. Her money, not ours, so it *SHOULD* be used for her care, not for us to inherit!
I couldn't possibly do that. No
No.
No.
No.
Mom needs more care, there are some lovely facilities that provide 24/7 care for people that have that need. How about all 3 of us pick 2 that we really feel will meet mother's needs and work together to pick the best one.
Live with me? No.
Quite frankly they both could care for mom, you just have been chosen by them for this. It makes it easier for them. Don't buy into their wants. This is your life and you need to stand up for yourself and not be browbeat into doing something that you don't want to do.
It takes a village to care for an adult that can no longer care for themselves. You are not a village.
"I'm physically and mentally unable to care for mom in my house 24/7."
"Mom's needs exceed my ability to care."
"If one of you (dear brother and sister) want to do it, go ahead."
"I work full-time. I can only help mom with xyz, for __ hours __ days a week. Someone else has to help her with the rest of her needs"
"Mom is incontinent, which of you wants to clean her lady parts, cuz I don't."
I concur 100%!!! We moved our mother to MC, but despite what the brothers think, there is still a lot of time and effort put into ensuring her care, getting supplies not provided, visiting, etc. It just takes the heavier burden off and allows you to ADVOCATE for her and VISIT her, allows you to be her DAUGHTER, not her nurse maid.
Although I realize the siblings have issues and think this is okay because OP doesn't, that doesn't cut it. It is still a huge undertaking. Some might remain meek and mild-mannered, but in general that is not the case, and all the extra work, lack of sleep, etc WILL take a toll.
Dementia is a one way street. It does not get better. But it IS better to get someone with early dementia into a facility while they still have some skills that will allow them to adjust.
You are perfectly justified in saying that moving in with you is not the best care plan for mom. She needs professionals, not tired and retired children, caring for her.
As I posted once before, I knew a widow who was taking care of a still-older person in her home (I believe she was earning some extra money this way). I mentioned that the older woman always seemed so pleasant when I visited. The caretaking woman said "Oh, you haven't seen what she's like when no one is visiting!" Some people spend their entire lives being "two-faced", and it certainly doesn't improve when they get older, especially if dementia creeps into the picture! (And some who WEREN'T normally two-faced become that way due to dementia which STILL causes problems even if the caretaker tries to overlook it.)
I hope the OP takes the warnings, posted by so many here from first-hand experience, seriously!