My mother-in-law moved in with me and she paid to convert our garage into a living space with a full-size kitchen (except a stove because she has early dementia), a full bathroom, living room, and bedroom. Up until now she’s been living in my sitting room. My bills have gone up significantly. My taxes and homeowners insurance will go up. We will need to put cable in her room, even having basic cable just for her to have TV runs about $100 to 120 a month. She has a full fridge and also has access to my kitchen (since I have a stove) and the rest of my house. It was suggested that I take my total mortgage and divided by the total of number of people living here which would be my husband, myself, my kids and her and that number would give me how much each person technically would have to pay if they were an adult. Then I was told to take my monthly bills and divide them by the amount of people living here and add all of those up accordingly and charge her while this will still save her about $700 a month because she was paying more when she lived on her own. I still feel bad. Even though we cannot afford to support her that way. Also, she was not allowed to live at home. It was either move here with us or go to assisted-living we’re in the Pennsylvania area and around us they take every piece of money you have in the bank, including 70% of your Social Security, so essentially saving her thousands of dollars a month but I still feel bad. I don’t know if I’m looking for guidance or what any help is appreciated.
I would divide the household expenses by the number of people.
So if it is you, your husband and MIL you would take ALL the household expenses and divide by 3. If there are 3 kids living at home then you would divide by 6. (frankly if you have 3 kids living at home and if they have jobs they should be kicking in $$ as well)
The fact that she paid to convert the garage if that significantly added value to your property I might reduce her portion of what she should be paying.
Your mother has her own place at your house. Not a bedroom like the kids have. An apartment. Her own apartment. So she can pay an actual rent and utilities for it.
You should not feel bad for one second charging her rent and utilities. That's common sense. You do her laundry, shopping. errands, and everything else and you have not mentioned even one time about compensation for all that, so I'm assuming you're doing it for free. That's very generous because hiring a homecare agency to do for her would cost her a fortune.
So yes, you should be charging her for rent and utilities costs.
If you are the only heir and you can afford it, it probably doesn't matter much. But it sounds as if your living expenses are taking a hit with her living with you. Work out something fair, it will help the whole arrangement work better.
It would be a good idea for you to have a conversation with her about leaving some money - a larger amount, like a couple of thousand dollars - with you for incidental expenses. As her condition worsens (and dementia patients can go downhill really fast), you may need to spend your own money on her. Since she seems to have plenty, you shouldn't do that.
An example would be, when I was caring for my dad at his house, we had two caregivers, my mother and her friend, dad, and then me and another friend who stopped by as I was about to leave to buy take-out at Boston Market. Dad invited all of them to stay to eat with us; he loved Boston Market. Well, off I go to Boston Market with 7 orders, and it was 18 miles away. It wasn't dad's money that got spent, it was mine. My gas, too. And the time I had to run to the medical supply place and buy different catheters. And tip delivery people. These expenses do add up. He never thought to reimburse me, though when I first moved in, he gave me $100 for groceries. When it was gone, I paid for them so that he and his caregivers could eat. I was out of the house by then.
These are minor expenses, right? But when taking into consideration that I was taking care of him and his business instead of working, the loss of income added to miscellaneous expenses ended up being quite a bit to spend.
Prepare now so you won't regret later.
If you cook all her meals and she eats with you all the time, make sure to factor this in as well.
If you drive her around make sure to charge for some gas.
Or else you can have some of those costs paid by ACH directly from her own checking account (like cable) and her Medicare/healthcare (and set up a portal so you can pay her bills for her directly from her checking account online).
I personally would not feel bad to charge her. This isn't taking advantage of her or gouging her... these are fair living expenses. Her living with you (and thus having a 24/7 caregiver) should not cost you/your family. It should be hers to pay. This is what every elder saves their money for when they retire.
We bought my Mom's house (FMV) but she still lives in it. We don't make any money on the rent we charge, it is all pass-through (taxes, utilities she doesn't pay herself, insurance, maintenance & repair, etc).
FYI when an elder qualifies for Medicaid it is usually because they require LTC (so, immobility, profound health issues). This program is what "takes" 70% of SS. Don't fear this... if she's in LTC she won't need the other 30%. We're going through this with my own MIL in LTC on Medicaid here in MN. She gets great care at a great facility in a private room.
What will you do if the caregiving becomes more than you can handle? This is a common problem for many adult children. Burnout is a real challenge, so please read some of the posts under this topic. Bless you for taking such good care of her.
Are you prepared to do such things, and if so, will she pay you to do them?
I know we’ll have to replace most of what just got done because she damaged her other home so much- she’s hard on faucets, floors, windows etc. she was easily putting out $1300 a month before. I do cook all her meals unless she eats cereal and I do her laundry, will be cleaning her 550 sq foot addition including bathroom and will be unloading most of her groceries she doesn’t listen that well so I’m sure she’ll have some delivered to her door.
the appraiser said where we live- this May depreciate our value to buyers ( of course they’ll still raise my taxes). We also drive her to most places. She’ll have access to our whole home and her addition . She has plenty of money and seems to spend it on everyone except us… it’s a little baffling and yes, it’s a lot
Another problem, by remodeling your garage, I hope she will not need Medicaid in the next five years. If so, Medicaid looks at that remodel as a gift to you and will cause penalties. Medicaid feels you profit from the remodel when u sell ur home.
the appraiser said where we live- this May depreciate our value to buyers ( of course they’ll still raise my taxes). We also drive her to most places. She’ll have access to our whole home and her addition . She has plenty of money and seems to spend it on everyone except us… it’s a little baffling
If you do need just take the amount you need to get to the place where you were before she moved in terms of expenses.