I take care of my 86 year old mother during the week. Goes to brother and SIL weekends. I wanted to take a bit more time at home, so I researched medical alert devices and in home caregivers. A friend has one for her 90 something year old parents and provided a referral (no covid so far, very careful).
I mentioned this to my mom and she seemed fine with it. I sent brother and SIL an email with the details. Here's the response I received:
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I talked with Mom...
The reason Mom stopped in home help was due to covid, and that hasn't changed for her. Mom is wary of being exposed. So Mom doesn't want in home help at this point.
Mom also doesn't think she needs a medical alert device, and she asked, "who pays for it?" Send me the info on what company, etc. you were considering so I can tell her about the cost, commitment, etc. I don't want cost to control over safety, so maybe I'll pay for it. The issue also is whether she'll wear it.
Mom says she doesn't want you to stick around because you think you need to double as her caretaker during the week. She gets anxious about leaving her house vacant half the time and would just rent it out and live with us. We'll see how this unfolds ... or doesn't.
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My first reading I was angry and wrote an ugly retort. I decided to sleep on it.
My mother didn't say a word to me about any of this, but she has my brother do it. She also has the money - but doesn't want to pay anything. This nonsense that he doesn't know her finances is a lie. I've seen proof.
I plan to just tell him (and my mother) that I will leave and not return (in a nonconfrontational way - mostly that I understand her fear, since my own home is vacant half the week. I am put off by this and feel unappreciated. Thoughts? We don't communicate but for my mother. He and my mother are very much alike. He does not have a relationship with his adult children or nieces and nephews.
We had an ADT model for Mom that had a centrally placed unit that could pick up calls for help even if she didn't press the button.
I wanted to give the police or fire department a key to her house but she didn't trust them to have one. I also considered placing a lockbox with a keycode outside incase EMS needed to get in. She kept turning off the volume on her phone and didn't answer our calls.
Have you considered cameras? Placed in non-invasive areas like hallways and the main living area. I had a security device called a Canary sitting in the living room. One day I couldn't get Mom on the phone so I check the live feed on my app. She was sitting on the sofa watching TV petting my cat, completely oblivious. When I got home I asked her why she didn't answer the phone, it was in her pocket with the sound turned off.
Let them do whatever they feel like they need to and you just be a daughter. You have sacrificed years to accommodate your mom, you should be happy that it is coming to a close.
Edit: Bootsy was the name of my 1st cat. Solid black except for 4 white paws.
Cute name for a cat. I had one named 'Socks' because I thought he looked like he was wearing socks. It's funny when their markings are so specific like that.
I am a sucker for a dog with a 'patch' over one eye. They are so cute!
If mom is safe to stay at home by herself? Does she meet her own personal needs: bathing, dressings, toileting, mobility, medications and meals? Does she get easily confused: wander off and can't find her own way home, not sure of days of week, not sure when to eat or what to eat...?
If mom can't meet her own needs or needs a lot of coaching, then she probably needs somebody 24/7. That seems to be the situation since you and your brother care for your mom every day of the week.
Needing/wanting more "time off" from caring for mom is not being selfish. Start by considering what would be an ideal schedule for yourself. Your brother and SIL should do the same. Together discuss these "ideal schedules" and locate holes where your mom's needs may be covered by others. Paid home health care aides, care givers, or adult day program can cover those times.
Emergency help
Anything can happen - and 2020 makes that abundantly clear. If you, your brother or SIL needed to be in the hospital... who would care for mom? Having paid help as part of your plan can help. More help can be scheduled to cover increased need for caregivers. With COVID-19, a vaccine will come out and this threat will lessen. In the meantime, caregivers should wear facemasks, clean more thoroughly, and use hand sanitizer frequently.
Otherwise we would have completely different pictures of what is happening.
That may not work for you, if your relationship with your brother isn't the best. But is there any potential that you two can sit down and talk and level set what you are each being told?
I ended up just asking my mother about this, and she said her remarks to him were taken out of context. I'm guessing that the truth is somewhere in the middle. Maybe that's what he heard, maybe she meant something else. Who knows. I'm going to let it go and step back for awhile. I ended up sending a nice email telling him I'll be at my own home for a few weeks. I am certain they'll keep me informed and ask if help is needed. I don't want hard feelings, at least on my part. We have a common goal of making sure mom is safe and well cared for.
Stop thinking of your mother as a completely competent adult. No one is 100% competent at 86 in the same way they are at 56. Getting old and infirm is terrifying, and a lack of compassion for that fear is even more terrifying, because the person the older person thinks they can count on is letting them down.
It saddens me to see people think their family members are "playing" them, and if I see another person describe their LO as a narcissist, I may become ill. I doubt 99% of those who use that term have any real comprehension of the term.
If you aren't up to the job, you aren't up to the job. Try being honest with both your brother and yourself, but angry retorts are of no use to anyone. If your mom didn't say any of this to you, perhaps it's because she knows or fears your response which sounds somewhat justified considering your reaction to your brother's email.
As a child of an older parent you are responsible for making sure she is safe and cared for. You are not required to do it yourself, but you need to make sure someone is doing it. After that, feel free to take off and do whatever you like.
So read it like he is trying to help. He is POA and will be Executor. Mom doesn't agree to any of your suggestions. So maybe its time for her to move in with brother. He has the money and seems to be willing.
So maybe your answer should be, OK just some suggestions to make things easier for Mom. Maybe at this time, it would be wise for her to live with you since she does need to leave her house on weekends. I can always be there to sit with her if u have something to do or give you time off for a vacation. We can always do a day out for lunch and run errands. Whatever you and and Mom decide is OK with me.
Approach it as a solution that let's you go live your life.
By the way, I have had a very similar path to you. When I started setting boundaries, my brother constantly criticized me.
My mom stirred things up if she didn’t get her way on some things and would blab to my brother.
Of course mom embellished the facts when relaying information to my brother.
My mom looked to my brother as the voice of authority. She feels that a man has authority over women. So I don’t rate as high as a daughter.
My place was to serve in mom’s opinion. She couldn’t see how much caregiving suffocated me. I devoted so much time and energy into her caregiving.
After realizing that I was banging my head against their brick wall I decided to let my mom and brother figure things out.
My brother isn’t a person that can be easily reasoned with. He was never interested in hearing my side.
If you ask his three ex-wives they could tell you exactly how he is. All three of them have said to me that they were divorcing him, not me.
My ex sister in laws are still friendly with me and they remained being aunts to my children. I told them that I didn’t blame them for leaving my brother.
The current wife is younger than his sons so she is most likely holding out for his pension. I have noticed that he has her trained to obey him. He treats her like his child instead of a wife. She was young, confused and in a bad marriage when she met him. He has cheated on all of his wives. I honestly don’t know what they saw in my brother and he isn’t rich!
Mom is now living with brother and sister in law. She is receiving hospice care.
My brother is approaching 70. Mom will be 95 next month. My sister in law works full time. She has a rotating shift. So she is too busy to help. Due to her shift work she often has to sleep when mom is up, then at work when mom is sleeping.
So now my brother is seeing first hand what I went through. He complains to his sons. They tell him, “Dad now you see what your sister went through.”
After 15 years of being mom’s primary caregiver in my home I finally got my break. How sweet it is!
I care about mom but it’s nice to have my life back. I did more than my share.
If you can have a civil and productive conversation with your family I am happy for all of you. It wasn’t possible in my situation. I hope it is for you.
I speak to my mom but like you, I avoid my brother because he and I see things far too differently.
Mom hates that I don’t cave in to my brother and am not friendly with either of my brothers. I told her that I would have loved being close to them had they been kind and respectful to me. I tried for way too many years without seeing any positive change. So it was time to call it quits for my own sanity.
My brother is the type that if you don’t think as he does he will chew you up and spit you out.
I refuse to be the target for his emotional abuse. He is on wife number 4! Three women leaving him is very telling of his personality.
I am not naive. I don’t feel like every marriage will have a fairytale ending.
In fact most if not all marriages have their ups and downs.
Some marriages should end. If I had been one of my sister in laws I would have left my brother too! My brother’s life reads like a soap opera.
He doesn’t treat my mom poorly though because she has given him money throughout his life.
Whatever...Not my problem anymore.
She had a short hospitalization earlier in the summer and was prescribed HHC - PT, OT, nurse visits, aide (8 weeks). I navigated all those appointments and was here (her home) to greet, schedule future. I made her breakfast, lunch, dinner, and did household chores and shopping. It was a lot of work and exhausting. After that concluded recently, I waited to see what she would do for herself as she seemed lots better. She's ambulatory with a walker, can shower and toilet alone, make a simple meal. Cognitively she is fine. She started making her own breakfast. She didn't like it, but did it. To me she likes being "served." She thinks she's earned it because she's old. Maybe my brother and SIL are better servants.
She absolutely thinks he's smarter. She listens to his suggestions. If he had suggested medical alert, she would do it.
He has two ex wives, both ugly divorces. I am friends with one of the ex-wives. I also have a relationship with his sons. He doesn't. His sons don't have a relationship with my mother, their grandmother. Bad blood from many years ago. I cannot imagine having such an awful relationship or history with my grandchildren that they don't want to see me.
Just thinking it through and reading the responses is so helpful. I care about her, but all this is too much. All this to take care of one older adult Yikes. I'm sending a "nice" reply and leaving the rest to them to sort out.
My mom has CHF, mild pulmonary fibrosis, severe mitral stenosis, leukemia to name a few. She had her aortic valve replaced last year, but still has severe CHF. It's easier to name what she doesn't have. Is your mom an invalid? Have the doctors said she can't live alone anymore? My mom has had all those conditions for years and lived independently in another state where none of us live. It was a pain, but she was stubborn about her living arrangements. So, I guess I'm wondering what precluded yall taking turns with her 24/7.
Then last year, my mom had a stroke, and my brothers and I agreed she'd move in with me and my family (year ago this month). We finally banned together for once and strong armed her with the help of doctors influence and the facts. Prior to that, Mom constantly caused angst and confusion between me and my brothers; different stories, different attitude with each of us. Nobody was ever on the same page in Mom's life book. I'm the youngest, but ultimately Mom realized I actually gave a crap and would honor her wishes (this was after she found out my eldest brother and SIL said they planned on backing up a dumpster to her apartment because they had no intention of going thru all her stuff after she died.) Up until that point, I'd thrown up my hands and said have at it. I'd call her and visited if I was passing thru town, but many times I'd have to hang up on her or terminate the conversation, and a few times I avoided telling her when I was in town. That's how bad it got. Some parents love triangulation; my mom sure did. It is awful and stressful. Add a know-it-all know-better sibling or bossy condescending SIL to the mix, and it gets untenable. Anyhow, I'm now POA of everything since my eldest brother and his wife showed their true colors. Mom won't talk too much to my other older brother; he got tired of the manipulation, triangulation and then post-stroke nastiness, so he was honest with mom to her face about her ways, and she didn't like that.
With our new arrangement, me and my brothers are getting along better than ever, even if mom is not always happy with any of us at any given time. Once we all realized we were being played, we started comparing notes and now keep in constant contact about Mom via a group chat.
You've been doing this 4 years??? God bless you. Take a step back. Take care of yourself. Let your mom and brother/SIL figure it out for now. Call your mom on the phone and be helpful when you can, but take your life back. Establish BOUNDARIES! Things have a way of working themselves out. Definitely don't spend your own money if your mom has enough for herself. My mom doesn't have enough funds, so my brothers and I share expenses. I love my mom. I'm sure you love your mom too. Love doesn't mean we totally sacrifice ourselves to our own detriment.
Regarding Homehealth, I've had multiple Homehealth workers constantly in and out of our house with Mom since last December. PT and OT 5x week, speech 2x week, health aides 5x week, nurses, lab techs, evaluators- you name it, we've probably had them. I even have a cleaning crew in on Fridays because I need the help. Never a problem with Covid19. They mask up, take temps, etc. They follow protocols. So, imo, Homehealth is a valid option. Our Homehealth is managed by a physician's group (Aftercare). They manage mom's medical needs, deal with insurance, and contract with the staffing agencies who assign and schedule all the Homehealth workers. I hired the cleaning crew independently.
Good luck. I feel for you.
That honestly is the best way. Emails and such back and forth with three different people talking, but never together, just gets so muddy. Suggest you all want only what is best for Mom, what works for her, and what she is happy with. And then meet together. Agree to bring the pizza.
But I re-read & it seems he is quite methodical & factual.
Covid still here. Mom concerned with Aides.
So he dismissed that first idea.
The Medi alert - he has concerns about cost & if she would wear it. OK, fair enough. Sounds like this idea is on the table for future discussion.
Mom concerned with her empty house. He is open to the idea Mom could move in with him instead.
Seems like he did hear you - that you have reached a stage where you need to change things. And that's fine!
He didn't like all your suggestions but he didn't insist you never change, you continue forever.
I met with understanding words when I decided to step back from caregiving. But I also met dismissal of my suggestions & assumptions I was still at beck & call. It took many many falls before a Medi alert was agreed to. It took a battle of wills to get a lock box for EMS to get in. These will be your brother's battles if he chooses (although if his house - his rules).
I think overall, even if you are not be the closest siblings, your communication is quite good.
If he is willing to take Mom full-time (until he needs to reassess) it is up to him. Stay on good terms so you can visit Mom without awkwardness if possible.
Many of us have siblings that feel differently from us about caregiving our parents. We can’t change them, nor can we change our parents.
When it seems like family members are ganging up on us it is very hurtful and frustrating.
It’s especially hurtful if they don’t have a clue or don’t want to hear your side.
It’s nice if you can get along with siblings but it isn’t always possible because you can’t force them to cooperate.
You also can’t force your mom to treat all of her children fairly. I had this issue with my mom. I did the most for my mom. I was taken for granted.
I was expected to do it all because I was the daughter and it was clear that my mom favored my brothers who often screwed up.
Mom complemented me for being responsible but felt sorry for my brothers. She even babied them. They took advantage of her.
I am glad that she didn’t baby me though. I learned to be independent and had my father’s work ethics.
Let your mom and brother figure it out. Don’t make it your problem if neither of them care to see your side.
I had an emergency device for my mom. She will have to continually wear it. My mom didn’t want to wear it in the shower because she didn’t want it to get wet! LOL
I had to tell her not to take it off and that the device had to be worn in the shower. Mom fell frequently due to her Parkinson’s disease.
The company will call periodically to check on their customer. If they don’t answer the device help will be sent. This is in the contract agreement. We purchased a lock box on amazon that used a code to retrieve our house key.
It would be a waste of time if she doesn’t agree to wear it at all times. Mom’s device was placed on the charger when mom slept. That is the only time that she didn’t have it on.
If your mom has the money, she should pay for it. Sometimes they have a free trial period arranged through insurance. Mom had that because her service was through Humana with their product.
I would say to compare several devices before a decision is made.
Best wishes to you.
We had a lock box installed outside next to the door; only my father and I knew the combination, but I gave it to the company as well as first responders every time they needed to assist Dad so they could access the front door key and get in while I was on my way out to Dad's house.
It worked out very, very well for us. I even plan to get one myself.
As to your questions on how to respond, I'd let the issue sit for a few days and reread the message. It might appear to be less contentious or offensive tomorrow, or in a few days.
Also, maybe your mother told you one thing, but your brother another. If neither are POA, it might be better for each to provide the care they think is proper during their designated time with her. I’d try not to take it personally. Seniors often are stubborn and not interested in their adult children’s suggestions. If people are toxic, I would limit contact too, but if you and brother are trying to care for a senior parent, I’d likely take the high road and attempt to keep the peace. Plenty of time to be estranged after your mother’s death. I hope you can work it out.