I have done this for so long (since 2005) that I hardly remember life before caregiving. I want to dream about living my life with my husband, daughters, friends, etc. but don’t exactly know how. Did I forget how to look forward to things?
Half the fun is anticipation of doing something that I have been wanting to do, like trying a new restaurant or seeing a play at a theatre and I no longer have that in my life. I have had the same routine forever!
I wonder how it will feel without mom in my home.
I was full-time 24/7 caregiver for my mother for 4 ½ years. I took care of her needs daily for 17 years previous to that. She had a massive stroke in July 2014 which resulted in brain damage, memory loss, and severe dementia. She no longer acknowledged me as her son. She needed assistance with everything she did. She spent all her time in bed except for going to the bathroom. Working through all the confusion, agitation, arguing, and fighting was very stressful. Many times I thought I couldn’t stand it one more minute. There were also good times when we talked and laughed and her old personality came through, if just momentarily.
When I was caregiving I thought I had a clear vision of what I wanted my future life to be like. I thought I had it all figured out. I had already suffered the loss of my (real)Mom. I was going through anticipatory loss. Since Mom died I really don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything; what life is about, what my life should be about, how to reinvent my life. It is all still very new. I never thought I would feel like this. I have been through 6 weeks of grief support. This helped me very much.
I had my Mom for 92 ½ years, but when you love someone it is never enough. I miss her a lot and I believe I always will. She taught me so much; patience, compassion, empathy. Taking care of my Mom is the most important thing I’ve ever done. As difficult as it was, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I still feel her presence. She speaks to me and says many of the things she used to say. Sometimes her spirit returns to remind me of something funny we said or did together to make me laugh. I seem to miss the hugs the most. She will always be with me.
For everyone that has experienced a loss of a loved one they were caring for, you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Day at a time.
Grief comes in waves. You are being knocked down by that wave at the moment. Hugs!
I loved my mother, and I'm sure that she loved me, but our relationship had always been rather complicated. She was an "alpha woman", and I am the same. I believe she felt threatened by my strength, and frustrated that I neither relied on her to direct my life, nor did I succumb to her demanding personality. Not that we ever really fought...I was just confident enough to do my own thing in life without reference to her opinions if they conflicted with mine. My younger sister bent over backward trying to gain mom's approval, and mom loved that. She was, in fact, very controlling.
What I'm getting to is, it seems that whatever sort of relationship you had with your parent will intensify after they are gone. I'm still sorting out various complicated feelings about my mother, and coming to grips with the fact that I can no longer resolve issues with her face-to-face. That's okay...I know I will eventually work it all out and I will take all the time I need to do so.
Bottom line is, we all need time to sort things out after the death of a parent, and there is really no "time limit" involved. It could take weeks, months, or years. One of mom's hospice care people told me that it wasn't uncommon for the loss of a parent to really hit home two or three years after they're gone. I guess we shouldn't expect the same experience as someone else...and we shouldn't be afraid to ask for help if we find ourselves headed in a direction we aren't comfortable with. But do give yourself time, allow yourself to grieve, and cut yourself a lot of slack. But remember that your ultimate goal is to get back to your life and feel good about it. Good luck, and God bless.
Now my dad is sick and I have again moved myself into his home and taking care of him. Sometimes it is hard to separate his life from my life. I am pretty much doing this on my own as my brother passed a year ago. I do take time out once every other week and go to my house , but all i really want to do is just go home and sleep.
I completely understand how hard it is looking forward to things. I do leave abpout every other day and go to the store just to get out of the house and now that it is warmer I can take the dogs for walks.
I look at it like this one day at a time and breathe in and breathe out.
I wish you the best and try to just do what you can do both emotionally and physically.My prayers are with you.
Your answer makes sense to me.
I now have 8 hours of respite care from Council on Aging. Not a lot but I am grateful for something. Something is better than nothing, right. They said they will bathe mom while here. So if I split it up into 4 hour slots then I will only have to bathe mom every other week. Yay!
They will also change sheets, some food prep, that kind of stuff.
They start Thursday afternoon. Yay, I can relax for a few hours. I checked with the agency that they use for sitting services and they do drug screening and background check. They try to send the same person as well. That doesn’t matter if they use different people. Home health used different people and it didn’t bother mom. Might bother some people though.
I don’t think I would stay though. Not because I haven’t enjoyed it or found it useful. Not because I wouldn’t want to help others. I would want to close this chapter of the book. It would be painful for me to rehash everything.
Supposed to be cathartic but not always for everyone about everything. Sometimes it is better to let it go if it isn’t helpful.
It’s just difficult. Isn’t it? I understand. I feel isolated also but my isolation comes from being a ‘full time caregiver.’