My mom is 74 years old and has congestive heart failure and COPD. She is also in remission from lung cancer and is on pain medication for herniated discs in her back. She constantly battles edema in her legs and belly and has been in the hospital 8 times last year and 3 times so far this year for respitory failure. The fluid fills her lungs and they have to put her on IV's to help diurese her.
I have been her caregiver for the last 6 years and became her paid caregiver last December. She lives with me in my home with my 2 adult sons. We all have income coming in and don't struggle financially (currently). I'm the person who stays home and cleans and cooks and does the laundry for the family as well as the caregiving responsibilities for my mom. Meds, drs appointments, scheduling home health, bathing, shopping etc.
The problem is that she is very manipulative. She is of sound mind and actually has a masters degree in Social Work. She refuses to get out of her recliner and walk or restrict her fluid intake or put her legs up so help keep the fluid out of her legs. It gradually gets worse until she is so bloated she can't breathe and she crashes. I call the ambulance and they always admit her for at least a week.
Last January my eldest son told me that he was taking me to Las Vegas in June. He purchased my plane ticket and set up all of our accommodations. My mom was released from the hospital at the end of April and I told her she needed to do everything possible to stay healthy because I'm leaving for a week. I suggested putting her in a respite home for the week and she refused. My sister offered to let my mom stay with her and my mom declined saying she doesn't need a babysitter. She is totally expecting my other son to take care of her while I'm gone. Hes ok doing this as long as she is stable. The problem is I feel like she has done everything she could to not be ok. Shes been eating a lot of salty food, drinking more fluids then she should be and not walking at all. Her legs are now huge and swollen and they are on the verge of developing cellulitis. I feel like the moment I leave, she's going to have respitory failure and she knows she hasn't done anything to prevent this. I feel angry because I've told her I'm getting burned out and I need a few days for myself. She just makes statements about how much money I'm going to waste going on a vacation. I need advice. Do I still go? Or should I cancel my vacation? My sister said she will check on my mom while I'm gone.
She refuses to walk, and obtains food somehow; how is she obtaining that edema enhancing stuff??? Based on your post, she is exercising whatever control she's permitted. It sounds as if nobody is capable of hoisting her upright onto her feet. So because she is allowed, she will continue to behave in that unhealthy manner, until she dies. You're in a catch-22. Go on that vacation, while vacationing, don't directly contact her. Have you considered a nursing home, which might better be equipped to address the edema, and her refusal to move?
Since she is already doing things that will flare up her issues, (and her mind is good) just tell her and the son who agreed to help her - if you continue with these things and it gets out of control, Son will be calling an ambulance to get it back under control.
The other conversation is for every day living: She must put her legs up to relieve the fluid build up. She must start walking a set number of times per day. If she's not doing all that much walking, someone else is bringing her the salty food and the excess fluids she drinks. Stop. Find her no salt snacks and retrieve those for her. Get one of those hospital water cups with measurement/lid/straw - show her how much per day she will drink by the measurements. Point blank ask her why she does these things when they will kill her or land her in a nursing home where she clearly does not want to be. Explain that you will not help her kill herself and that when she reaches a point she cannot walk at all, home caregiving is going out the window. Look for alternative snacks (because everyone wants a little something during the day) and push the excercise. (You might take her to dr before you leave and see if he will Rx home health OT/PT care a few times a week to mitigate the swelling)
Have fun on your trip - just make it clear to stay home son to call ambulance if she creates more health problems. Deal w/that when you get back.
Your mother eats crap and retains water and makes herself ill? And then if a doc says "you know, she could go any time" you'll cancel your trip?
For 4.5 years, we were all aware that my mom, with CHF and a bunch of other comorbidities, could go at any time. I treated each visit as though it might be the last. If she had died when I was in Paris, in Florence, in Maine or in Florida (she was in Connecticut) I would not have felt a shred of guilt.
My mom was in a NH because she was sick enough that she needed professional care and a diet managed by dieticians (it sounds as though your mom would be better suited there as well).
I think it's very much time for you to give some serious consideration to the stress that your mother's care is causing your family.
Maybe I sound mean to you, but this was the ethos that my mom brought us up with...we don't do deathbeds ( at least not rushing to them dramatically, or cancelling plans). We care everyday in a way that leaves us no guilt.
Have a great time. Bless both your sons and your sister.
Of course she doesn't want you to go.
Her fear is talking. Understandably.
You can be compassionate and set boundaries (= enjoy yourself!)
AFTER you come back from your vacation, talk to all of us on here about what you did, what shows, etc. and how much fun you had, so we can be your support! From the sound of it, your mother won't care and would probably be very negative about it. Hold onto your enjoyment inside and share with all of us!!!
AndreaE- go on your trip!
Have a wonderful time. Take in everything, eat delicious food, rest, and don’t take any stress with you!! Praying for a blessed and care-free trip for you, with ZERO guilt and worry! :D
GO! Block her number on your phone. Put your sister in charge. If she has to go to the hospital, let sister handle it.
SECOND...Remain cool, without emotion and with "a matter of fact" attitude, calmy remind her that she knows what she has to do to maintain her health as best possible. That if she does contrary then she will just have to be transported by ambulance to the hospital...again!
THIRD...It's important that you take your week vacation. You need it. Strange as it may sound, so does your mother.
Your sister can call an ambulance if need be. But I think your mother will give serious thought and be just fine.
Be calm and honest. She knows!