I am very tired of lying to my father. I tell him he can come home if he works with PT and gets stronger he can come home. That is a lie, my mother and sister won't let him come home even if he does regain strength in his legs. He keeps asking me when he can come home? I have to lie to him to tell him that he needs all his strength I feel bad telling him that he could possibly come home when I know he can't. He's got just enough sense to realize he's in a place he doesn't want to be. There's been several lies we've told him, his sister recently died and momma decided not to tell him and I feel awful about that too - even though there was nothing he could do. But even though I disagree with mom, I do see why she didn't want to say anything.
Should I tell him the truth and be honest or keep that little glimmer of hope alive so he won't just give up? I want him to be comfortable if not resigned to being there, but I just wish there was something I could do other than just visiting him. I've tried to play games with him, do the crossword puzzle with him, anything to get him interactive but he gets so frustrated cause he doesn't understand the rules or it's a bit difficult, he just shuts down and refuses to cooperate.
I know ya'll are probably tired of hearing me talk about my guilt and I'm sorry, but ya'll are about the only ones who understand - I mean my husband is excellent about trying to help but even he gets tired of me - just going around in circles and spinning my wheels...
I appreciate all ya'll listening to me, thank you
Hugs.
My wonderful LO mourned terribly when she entered a nearby AL, and would call for her mother and sisters, long deceased, and say she had to get back to them. I would often say “I’ll take care of that” or “I’ll be sure they don’t worry” or similar
comments. HER BELIEF was that her mother and sisters are still living. There was no way besides breaking her that I could have ever convinced her that they were gone. That being so, how could I claim to be compassionate and protective of her if I had tried?
She was always a very anxious woman, and I could see absolutely no way to justify exposing her to more anxiety by telling her facts that I could not change
about a life that she no longer had access to.
If you love your father you will look for ways to help him become comfortable and relaxed. The words “safe, protected, and comfortable” justify whatever alterations you need to make to “truth”.
I visit often and enjoy discussing things with her that she finds interesting. He may just like you to visit, and be with him, and not try to entertain him.
I remember very clearly the awfulness of “spinning”when my mom became total care. She lived for 5 1/2 much better years in a local nursing home than she’d lived in her own home for the 25 years before that.
If you happen to be religious, you might consider this short poem, that my present LO taught me when my mom (her sister) began to require full time care-
“If in Life, You do your Best-
God with Love, Will do the Rest”.
Hope you find peace.
Your looking at it the wrong way. Every time you fib or divert and get something done in their favor is a victory, not something to be guilty about.
It isn't guilt, by the way, it's sadness. It's sad that your father needs this level of care, and sad that he can't himself grasp the situation, and sad that your mother and your sister and you don't see eye to eye altogether on what's best for him. But, so, - stop expecting yourself to get over it and stop "going in circles." You are having a normal response to a sad situation, it is *hard*. Be kind to yourself.
Tired of hearing you... Well, I'm not, but then I don't live with you. I expect your husband does wish things were different and does wish you could step aside emotionally from a problem you can't solve. It is tiring, I can't disagree. But if it's tiring for your audience, how tiring is it for you? You're the one who can't help thinking about it night and day.
Do you do anything like physical exercise or dance or meditation, actively try to take a break from the mental strain?
This is one area where becoming the parent and filtering the negative is to be applied. Hope this helps. Best of luck to you.
Distraction often works. Outright disagreement with someone with dementia is seldom helpful, so you need to strike a tricky balance. Don't promise the possibility of going "home" if that is not possible. Distract him as much as possible. Don't contradict him, and try to help him settle in his new environment.
Sorry, but as numerous respondents have said, there is no easy answer.
Love and prayers.
I see from your profile that your Dad has Alzheimer's/Dementia. It may be possible that "home" means his childhood home. My Mom [98] did that when she was in Rehab and it took awhile for me figure out she wanted to see her parents and siblings.
One time I had to use a therapeutic fibs to get my parents to update their Will, which was older than dirt. I fibbed by saying the way the Will was written, the State would get half of their assets. That got Dad's attention, and I made an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney to have all their legal documents updated.
So, don't be afraid to fib. I know it isn't easy, it wasn't for me, neither, but I had to do it. Oh the guilt :P
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