It’s been 14 years now that I’ve been caring for my mom. I tried unsuccessfully to get my parents to plan for their future but they refused. When my dad died my mother thought she would just move in with me. Even though I had told her that wasn’t possible. She has badgered and relentlessly pursued this idea for all these years. She never gives up. I call her everyday and talk for at least an hour. I dedicate a whole day every week to her needs and desires. I still work and have a family of my own. I also have a somewhat serious health condition. She is 96 and she says if she lived with me she could help! It’s ridiculous! I am so very very very very tired of her trying to quilt me into taking her. But I feel like I’m holding back to raging river. I understand boundary setting but how long can I be expected to hold them without cracking?
I've also been at this insanity for a decade and a half, not counting the time I helped our parents (an additional 4 years).
I once asked my support group - why APS doesn't have a division to protect caregivers who experience abuse (losing their minds from the merciless, seriously relentless, pounding on their brains, nerves and energy) by the care recipient.
I have a friend who is in a similar situation as I am and I jokingly said, "At least it's not forever" (one way or the other).
I recently read a little, supposedly funny, t-shirt that read… Your lack of planning is not my emergency. I see this a lot in real action. It's a big wave coming down on the children of super aging seniors.
Pharma wants to keep people going they should've provided some kind of fund to help us deal with the result. I know that sounds silly.
As for your mom, maybe your rage is in part because you can't help her as much as you'd like if only to shut her up. It might be helpful if you give her a list (posted on paper) of options, (make copies), use the ones you've already tried and say these are your choices. You're only choices. Then, as I mention before, every time she starts her broken record kindly say - Okay, this is where I leave and you look at your list of options. Love you, speak to you... (whenever).
I've got to run and give my husband his dinner and put him to bed so that I can join my support groups's guided meditation group online tonight. Until recently never did it before. It is very relaxing . A friend phoned me in what I thought was the first 15 minutes but I found that about 50 minutes had passed.
Very best wishes.
Just telling someone that they need the comradery of her peers and support and security of a facility may conjure up imagined horrors. She must see sun-filled places and people like her with similar memories.
Go on a tour of a few nice ones with her. Some facilities are happy to have you join for a free lunch, or for a small fee. If you join for lunch try to get your mom engage in conversation with the residents. Be the soul of love and let her and the residents speak and you just be the spoon that gives the mix a little stir once in a while. Get her hair done before you go.
Manage the situation. Don't just be a cork in the stormy ocean.
Speak to a facility tour director prior to going with your mom and ask if there is a resident your mom's age that might be a nice ambassador and friend for a little while with your mom.
Some day-care, or live-in, facilities may allow you to drop her off for a day or some hours.
Maybe if you take small steps and have her join a senior day center for part of the morning and afternoons she may re-learn how to become comfortable with new people.
If she joins a day care senior center some counties' have contracts with small bus companies that provide home pick-up and return home service for a small charge. I drive my husband to a day care but a bus service brings him home.
How about churches? An elderly friend of mine is not a member of the church she has fun at, or is even a church attendee in general, but she joins their senior group on day trips even to nearby states. She's been doing that for years.
Each time your mom mentions moving-in you can cut the conversation gently and say you'll speak to her soon.
Please, I know you're busy and have your own family. I suspect that if she is 96 you're not at an age that can easily manage caring for someone.
I hear so many good stories about parents trying their best NOT to be burdens to their children. Not planning was selfish on your parents' part, and being from a different era probably made it worse.
The remedy for rage is positive contructive action. Spend less time on the dang phone and move your butt and do research.
This will do you as much good as it will her.
One day a week towards an ageing parents needs & a daily welfare phone call. Sure.
That seemed to be the acceptable level in my family too. The balance between Needs vs Burden.
(Though I'd personally wind the hour long phone calls back).
With more siblings IF they live close & IF they help it may be shared out a little more, but seems many become the solo caregiver these days for many reasons (including early death & disability of other siblings😪).
Looking after you Mom can also be *arranging* extra help to look after your Mom too. You don't have to do everything with your own two hands. Keep that in mind.
Eg If the physical house chores blow our past one day or just get to much - find a housekeeper. For bed linen washing/changing, vacuuming, mopping & bathroom etc.
To conti Nue on the *needs* way to look at things...
Mom may be ok living alone, some or most of the time BUT is she getting all her needs met? The constant pressure to move in, the long calls may indicate her *social & emotional* needs are not really being met. She is telling you loud & clear & very frequently she wants company. (OK just you - but's that's not reasonable or healthy).
I would point this out to her. Mom, you keep asking to live with me. Why? Why is that?
You get some doosy answers sometimes..
From a male friend who was under this constant pressure from his Mother to.move in (both born overseas). He asked his Mother & these were some of her replies over many years;
- because I am a widow
- because I am now 50 (yes really!)
- because I retired
- I don't have enough money to retire
- I want to be looked after
- I deserve respect
- it would shows how much you love me
- I am ashamed my son has not taken me to his house
Big historical cultural reasons were present. That Mother had long expected her son would move her in & her DIL would quit her job & treat her like a Queen. Her expectations were so far removed from her son/DIL expectations. It never was resolved as she would not accept the changes in generation, culture, money & women's careers. Sad. But it did good to discuss these issues with honesty.
Why not ask your Mom what she REALLY wants?
Once my Aunt lost independence to tend to her own garden & keep her own pets, she battled on alone for a while. Now in AL, she can enjoy the garden & the bird life (without the work & responsibility). These were the things that mattered to her.
You have told your mom that you aren’t going to allow her to move in. Is it necessary to keep repeating the same message to her?
At her age, she is probably afraid to be alone. While I certainly understand this, it doesn’t change the circumstances.
She hasn’t made plans. Could you assist her by looking at facilities with her? What is her financial situation? Does she own a home that she can sell? What about Medicaid?
Does she have any other help besides you?
How far from her do you live? Do the other Siblings visit? The answer is "Sorry, Mom, would not be best for me & my family, so we need to figure out & you need to accept the best plan."
Now what are the options there? Is there $ to move her?
Is their equity in her home? Can you sell it?
If so maybe the best option for her would be Assisted Living. There would be someone that could help her when necessary. Maybe at that point your 1 day a week doing what you need to for her would be cut back.
Your boundaries are your health and your family.
If mom is fully cognizant then tell her that your doctor said that you can not take on the full responsibility of having her live with you all the time.
If she still does not get it and does not want to live by herself tell her that her other option is to move into Assisted Living. Say "Mom I have set up a few tours for you so you can check them out." Do some advance footwork and narrow her choices to 2, or 3 at the most.
The truth is that by giving people a platform to discuss or argue, or by trying to explain our reasons, we are implying that it is open to discussion, that we can be talked into it. So while it feels wrong, it's actually more honest to shut the discussion down immediately.
Tell your mother bluntly that she canNOT move in with you, but suggest she can ask your 2 siblings. Let her bug THEM about moving in with THEM. Would she do that?
Let the "raging river" overlow onto someone ELSE's banks for once!
Then you can tell her what her other options are to get her needs met. Assisted living. A caregiver at home. Etc.
I don't know how in the world you can talk to your mom for an hour every day. What do you talk about? Does she have any dementia? If not, maybe that's why I can't imagine cuz talking to my mom with mild/moderate dementia for 5 minutes on the phone can be difficult. If the conversations are nice and/or productive, that's great and I'm happy for you. If they are rehashing why she should move in, well, you know it's time to say bye bye and maybe tomorrow we can have a nice conversation about the weather or a nice assisted living facility.
I think spending one full day a week doing all her stuff is excessive. You have other priorities and need to get some other people on your team, with her money. Is she still in a house? If so, it is doubtful that she can manage it on her own and you are propping her up to a delusion that she is independent. She should have a cleaning lady - change her sheets, do the floors, etc. Maybe a home caregiver. I would really be thinking that assisted living where she can have her meals and socialize with peers and have some entertainment would be better for both of you.
Best of luck
Very well put.
The river will keep raging.
As the rain is still falling somewhere, running down the mountain-sides, into streams & into that river.
The 'raging river' of your Mom's needs. Could call them *social & emotional needs*. Or just plain old age lonliness.
Getting old, not enjoying your activities, not able to do as much physically or mentally, well it can suck right? Maybe some folk are content to sit on the porch watching the world go by, or in the kitchen watching the birds outside.. But many are lonely & get fearful. What do they do? Lean on their most trusted person. Which is YOU. A little lean is ok! (What is family for?) But leaning so hard they crush you, smother you, take all your oxygen. Nope. Not ok.
So that's the circumstance: Mother is leaning just way too hard on you.
Q Do you think you have to provide 100% of Mother's needs? 100% of her social contact? 100% of her communication with others? 100% of her entertainment?
Think about that. Because maybe your beliefs are cracks in your boundaries?
PS the good news is your own thoughts are powerful & can be used for much strength.
So I would say you pull back now. You don't need to speak to your Mom an hour every day. And it is not helping her if you can see what I mean.
You need to sit Mom down NOW and gently explain that she will not EVER be moving in with you, that your limitations would preclude that and that you have no intention of discussing it. You should also tell her that when you call her you will be assessing whether that call is helping her or making her more unhappy, and if the latter is the case you will be telling her goodbye until the next day.
You mother can rage or cry or do whatever she likes. You will have explained to her that those actions will get her LESS of you, not more. Pavlov's training 101.
This is in your control. You are either her doormat or you are not. Get back to your own life.
Encourage your mother to seek placement where she will have people to talk to her who have more time than you do.
This is your choice. You, and only you can make things better for yourself.
I wish you the very best.