Hello, my 94 year old mother never planned for her old age nor did my father. Fortunately, she had money to properly bury my father. Now she just has her SS and my father's pension every month. It helps pay our high rent and my SS helps pay for groceries and my own bills. However, the kind of funeral she wants costs 8,000.00. Neither she nor I have that kind of money readily available. No stocks or IRAs or 401ks....nothing. I'm trying to save as much as I can but unexpected things happen occasionally. I feel totally guilty if I have to have her cremated. She does have a free burial plot on top of my father's grave at the veteran's cemetery. I don't have a crystal ball to tell me how much longer she has to live. Alzheimer's I understand could go on for years. I'm a senior too and am in the same boat as my mother. It's too sad to talk about. I'm crying as I write. Thank you.
I have been to huge services that cost over $30,000. and a few that cost less than a thousand. One I remember with sadness was a friend's father. They had no money, the county cremated him, a minister came to the house for free and gave a talk. There were only 3 of us there. Myself, his daughter, and his granddaughter. They scattered his ashes.
When you think about it, you don't see dead bodies laying in the streets for long, the Coroner will dispose of them if no one claims them.
One of my daughter's friends died, the county cremated her and wanted $350.00 to defray costs. When her family realized she had no insurance, they turned their backs on her. My daughter and I were able to get her ashes and we had a little service for her in a park. Then her ashes were scattered.
My best friend's husband, who owned a construction company, passed. They had the service in church, and a very nice luncheon in a hall. She mixed the ashes of his buddy, a Pit Bull named Dozer, with his and scattered them on some of his construction sites and hiking trails. That way they would always be together.
My mother was cremated, we had a service at her church, a few flowers from the Grocery Store, and we scattered her ashes in her favorite spot. She didn't want any service, but I felt the grandchildren and great grandchildren needed something.
My Aunt was cremated, put in her favorite cookie jar, and buried beside her husband in a National Cemetery. Her son, had an open house at her home with photos and mementos of her displayed. Her uniforms from the Texas Air National Guard and a Registered Nurse, back when they had the cap and blue cape, were on display also. The food was catered from her favorite Mexican Restaurant. It was very moving and personal. More so than a huge church service would have been. Too, since both ladies were in their 90's when they died, nearly all their friends and family were on the other side waiting for them there (a nice way of saying they were mostly dead). In fact last year I lost my last three aunts. One of them younger than me.
My late Sister-in-Law was cremated and buried in a cardboard box with her favorite quilting fabric wrapped around it. I have a piece of that fabric and every time I look at it, I think of her.
I hope my experiences will help you see that personal is much more important than money. Please, don't feel guilty, guilt is for when you do something wrong.
I am wondering why you would feel guilty if you have to have her cremated. When a person dies the body goes through oxidation. Burial is a slow form and cremation is a rapid form. You are under obligation to pay for a funeral you cannot afford. She will not be her to know what kind of funeral you are doing. And in this case guilt is one of the useless emotions there is. My husbands arrangements were $2000 total. We did not have him embalmed, We did not use the funeral cars, the hearse, the funeral home ushers. We drove our own cars, Men at our church were the ushers, etc. However, his service was very dignified and many commented on its simplicity but beauty. We used an urn his brother had made on a lathe, put the ashes in it and had a picture of his on the altar table with the urn and a bouquet of flowers.
I have spend 45 yrs. in ministry, conducted many funerals, and find myself being angry when funeral homes try to quilt families into funerals they cannot afford.
Please do what you can honestly afford and don't go into debt.
Actually, I believe that the person is no longer there once life leaves them. The person WAS the life, or, if you will, the soul - which has left the body. After that, all that's left is the skin and bones. Since the skin and bones are not the part that we love/d, for me, cremation is a good option. And without an inurnment (scattering ashes instead), it's sound ecology, not to mention Biblical. Return to the earth.
I have asked to be cremated, but if my kiddos somehow get enough money together to put me in a fancy casket with satin lining and get the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to sing, I'm not going to sit up in that casket and scold them, even though it goes against my dying wish! My skin and bones don't have feelings, and after death - once I cross over, neither will I (my soul, my identity, my PERSON).
I have a brother that is around 70 now. He has never planned for the future nor worried about it. When he dies, he will have no money for any of us to use for his funeral. The way I look at it, is if he doesn't care to make an effort to set aside money or get a Pre Arrangement to help out his family when the time comes to bury him, then why should anybody else?
Why not contact the people in charge at the veterans' cemetery and work out a manageable budget with their help? You could also liaise with the relevant church or similar officials if religious or ceremonial wishes are pushing up the price.
As far as discussions with your mother are concerned, you don't have to lie; just reassure her that everything will be decently and properly done.
It is sad, and you sound as if you are stressed out not only about the funeral plans but also about managing in general. Can we help?
“Properly bury” means love and respect and memories, not anything els. You are doing the right thing.
No guilt.
The most important thing right now is for you to reassure mother that her funeral will be taken care of, even if it isn't all that she expects... as many others have pointed out, funerals are for the living... the deceased don't care.
Just give mom lots of love and comforting words, even if you have to 'exaggerate' a bit. Her last thoughts shouldn't be ones of worry about her funeral.
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