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Have you flat out asked your sister to come out and help or was it only a suggestion? Could she have “helped” one time and then there was a lot of criticism after she came?

Assuming not, you are wasting your energy with your sister.

Make every day with your Mom a special day. If you want to do something really special, do it on the day before or the day after and celebrate the “holiday” multiple times. Think about how married couples do it where there are 2 sets of parents and each parent wants their own special time on with the married couple on that “holiday”.

Thankfully, your Mom is in managed care where her needs are taken care of. Therefore you do NOT have to be there 24 x 7.

It is okay….celebrate the actual day around just yourself, then celebrate the day again with your Mom. It is kind of like having multiple birthday parties!

P.S. are the grandkids old enough so that you can celebrate Mother’s Day with all the generations together? Perhaps there is an activity room in the facility that would accommodate all of you? Most of the people in my Mom’s Memory Care unit would just be happy to watch all the activity. They don’t care about the cake or the food; they just want to be somewhere different that has happy people.

PPS. Please take care of yourself. Make the time with your Mom quality time and give some quality time to yourself too. I suspect you have reached burnout…
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Go ahead and vent. We all have vented from time to time.

Grandma did all the family dinners. Then when she became too old my mom took over. When mom became too old, I took over.

It is exhausting. I grew tired of it and decided to stop hosting all of the holiday meals. Sometimes, we have to break cycles to find peace in our lives.

I didn’t ask my brothers or their wives to help. I just told my mom and brothers that I had enough to do caring for my mom and therefore; I was going to stop hosting all of the holiday meals.

LOL, my younger brother must not have taken me seriously because when Thanksgiving rolled around he called my mother and asked what time was I serving dinner. Mom said that she would get back to him.

Then mom said to me that he was expecting dinner. I told mom that he could expect dinner all he wanted but that I wasn’t going to be hosting large holiday gatherings any longer.

So, mom called him back and told him to feed himself because my cooking for the holidays were over.

My advice to you is to do the same. Why do something with resentment in your heart? Just quit hosting meals or host a potluck dinner party. I know plenty of families who do potlucks and love it!
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I am so empty. Sitting here typing this while my Ex-Wife is laying in our bed and who is dying, ive been her caregiver since 2016 Dementia near as I can remember she does not know me, and has not for the past couple of years. The reason she is my ExWife and I am her caretaker is there is no one else to stepup. Oh' she has children, one who live's here with us, who has nothing but distain for her Mother.
Two other Boys out of state, who never call, on birthdays, or any of the holidays, who send a trinket of flowers on mothersday, other than than NOTHING, they could careless. As we all know this mothersday is 12 days away, I really dont think my best friend, and someone I truly do care for deeply, will make it to this day of celebration. I am so angry at the three of her children I bite my tongue.
I have been thinking when the Trinket of Roses gets delivered on Sunday May12, of just meeting the florest at the door and placing the item directly into the trash, as my dearest at this state will not know the reason for this sudden and unexpected gift. She does speak of her sons, I dont believe they ever give her a thought. The reason I believe my dearest is dying as she has been asleep for nearly 24hrs, I wipe her brow with a cool moist towel, and feed her ice chips to moisten her lips and tongue, her daughter has not even ventured in to check on her mom.
Yes, Im angry, Im hurt, and I have a broken heart. I just dont know how Im ever going to move on.

To: @Grandmaofeight
I can relate as I am hurt way beyond Pissed. "is it wrong to be pissed at the one sister who has a grown daughter, is retired and has never.....:
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NeedHelpWithMom Apr 2023
I’m so sorry that you are hurting. I wish you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.

Of course, grandmaofeight hurts too. We all did when siblings don’t help. My siblings barely helped me when I had my mom in my house for 14 years.

I decided that it wasn’t worth my time and energy to be angry anymore. I had more important things to focus on besides my siblings who didn’t help.
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I deal with this all the time. My brother expects me to plan, cook, transport mom to and fro and he just shows up with a big ass card and some cheap flowers from the grocery and everyone swoons.

You need to celebrate mothers day with your mom the day before or the weekend before. Take a picnic basket brunch to her and have a little party with just the two of you. Then on mothers day, have your own day. When the family (your sister) contacts you to say "hey what is the plan for mom on mothers day?" just tell her you have already celebrated with her, so whatever she chooses to do with her is her business.
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CTTN55 May 2023
I love your idea, James. Will you do it with your own brother? Please do!
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Surviving and Jamesj, you are spot on when you say, "I don’t wait for anyone to make plans or step up anymore. I do what I am comfortable with and that is it!" and "My brother... just shows up with a big ass card and some cheap flowers from the grocery and everyone swoons."
Aside from being responsible for daily care, we are also supposed to be responsible for asking - repeatedly - for help. I'm tired of that, too. Very few volunteer offers from siblings come along, and when they do, they are considered saints. At this point, the key to happiness is not to expect a blankety-blank thing from anyone. I must remind myself of this every so often.
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You have a right to have a day to yourself. As a former military service member and spouse of a military service member, we frequently had to celebrate on a day our of choosing and not the "actual day" of the celebration. Doing something like this might be helpful for you. As for "feeling slighted" by family member or others, let it go. It doesn't change their behavior, it only ruins your day.
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You know we cannot let the world tell us when to have Mothers Day! I have to share my grands with the other grandparents and because we are X's we don't social with each other. This is fine. The terms of the separation were that each parent gets half of each holiday. Well that doesn't always work for the grands and why interrupt their day for our pleasure. So I have decided that having Mothers Day for me will be when they can come or when I can get away. I am NOT going to let the world tell me when to celebrate - It's my day, it's my birthday, it's my Mothers Day, it's my Christmas, and it's even my New Year! I pray that you get YOUR day!
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jemfleming May 2023
Absolutely great view of what holidays should be! You go sister!
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we all have a choice inside of us that no one can take away and now you are courageous to make it, as your siblings have shown you how to do that. they make their own choices by prioritizing. your days come first. then family. then mother who has professionals. make a plan to visit your mom on your favorite number between 1 and 28. then use that number as your visit day with mom each month. if your fave number is 4, then that is your day with mom and if you have something already priorirzed on that day then you have to wait until next month on that day. try it. you need to use your choices now. also pick a time of day that is special for you, like morning tea or evenung prayers this will specify your special time w mom. own it. make it yours. momis proud of you.
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Get catering and reserve a room at the facility your mom is at. You don't need to knock yourself out for it to be a nice event for her. Your siblings aren't! Then spend the rest of the day with your grandkids.

The mc where my mom lives is having brunch the Saturday before. Her meal is included, $20 for me to attend and eat. Completely worth it.
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Will Mom be aware it’s Mother’s Day ?
Can you visit her the day before and bring her a nice mother/daughter lunch to share ?
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Did you ever think about hiring a care giver for a few hours or for the holidays you would like to spend with the grandkids.
There are lots of caregivers out there to help out.
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Bumping this up. Wanted to share something kinda funny. Last Sunday I gave mom her mother's day card, she loved it. My sister never called to say happy MD and thought that was very rude. Until I texted a friend to ask about her day. Duh! MD is this Sunday lol. Mom keeps reminding me about my mistake
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Oh no. Mother’s Day again. Why, why? Must we? (Sigh)
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DH asked me last night “ Do we have a Mother’s Day card ? “ ( to send to his mother ) I said “Nope , I don’t have a mother anymore so I don’t think to go buy them anymore”. Guess who is running out buying , signing ( forging ) and putting a card in the mail today , and it will still be late.
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We'll 'celebrate' Mother's Day on Saturday and Sunday is DH's 'turn' at his mom's.

IDK if he'll get her a gift, there's not a dang thing she needs or wants.

Personally? I HATE this fake holiday with a mad vengeance. I will take flowers to mom and my grandma's graves and spend the day with a good book.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2023
We always celebrate the Saturday before. I despise going out on Sunday for Mother’s Day because it’s so crowded!

The last time we went out on Mother’s Day, a waitress accidentally bumped into me and dumped scalding hot coffee down my back! It hurt but I knew that it was an accident because she was rushed.

I was kind and told her that I understood. She nearly burst into tears and thanked me for not screaming at her. I felt more badly for her than myself having to work on Mother’s Day.

It’s so much nicer to go out on the Friday or Saturday before Mother’s Day.
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At my parents ALF I will have little Mother's Day tea with my Mom and Dad.
Just a couple of hours. Then I will celebrate at home with my family.
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I thought I would update. I made brunch and my husband and I ate ours at home with a mimosa.
We took Moms brunch over and I fed her then my six local grandkids came and raided the candy jar 😂
we came back to my home and we watched the kids while my son and DIL went to a movie.

i hope everyone had a wonderful Mothers Day and I feel for all who find this to be a sad and frustrating experience. It is truly terrible for so many
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