My Dad is 87, hasn’t gone to a neurologist yet. His wife lays in bed all day and I think suffers from depression although her daughter said that she will not go for counseling. :( His wife’s son lives with them as well although he suffered from seizures as a baby and is now 46. His mom unfortunately can’t manage him so he steals, and gets in trouble w the law as well as has his cars repossessed.
All three of them need assistance and I am very worried about my Dads safety. The son told me that he wanted to stay in Florida since he has a job and attends his church (has a community of friends) but as soon as he gets paid he gives all his money away then takes his mothers money. He eats most of the food in the house so the parents eat canned soup.
i Offered for my dad to move closer yo me so I can care for both of them. I found a brand new lower level apt, but his wife refuses to move.
we can’t get in touch w dad now. Things are getting worse. The messages aren’t getting to him. I know this bec the wife’s daughter I am friendly with (we gave both tried to help them) but they want to be left alone (until my dad runs into a problem and calls me).
anyone else have problems like this and have any advice. I understand dad wants yo regain his freedom but I’m deeply worried. There is no caregiver avail there yet.
I realized it was worse than we thought and they were trying to hide it .
The wife then was in rehab after aspirating pneumonia for about the 5 th time . So we flew down and it was worse than we thought . They had both declined significantly during Covid . FIL has dementia too .
So the lack of communication that you are having could definitely mean your Dad is declining and needs help even if he were to sound ok on a phone call
Some participants on this forum are very familiar with working with the VA, so maybe post another question specifically about that, or just search for what's already been posted on this forum.
Let's start with who has any legal power: do you or does anyone have PoA for anyone in that home? Are you PoA for your Dad? Is your step-sister PoA for her Mom? Is anyone the legal guardian for the adult son? If so, the PoAs need to read their documents to see when the authority becomes active. Often it requires 1 or 2 medical diagnosis of incapacity. So then the next step is trying to get your LO in to a medical exam. If someone else claims PoA for your Dad I would tell them to produce the document before I believed them.
If your step-Mom is the legal guardian of her son, then your step-sister may need to ask social services if this can be transferred to her without it going to court and costing her money (if she wants to do this).
Without legal authority you probably will be relegated to reporting them to APS in the county where they live. This may also mean that the county will eventually acquire guardianship of them and begin to manage their care at every level. This means you and your step-sister will not be able to have any insight into or control over their medical or financial affairs.
Your Step Mom may not have depression but maybe dementia. People with dementia and memory loss often will spend many hours in bed or in front of the tv. But, her daughter does need to get her a diagnosis in order to help her. This may be accomplished through "therapeutic fibs" to get her into the doctor. Read up on that on this forum.
If I were you I'd plan a trip down there (that is at least 1 week long or longer) to get an accurate idea of what's going on, what's needed and who can do what. Best if you can coordinate it with the step-sister.
If your Dad doesn't have a PoA and you are willing to do it, he may still be "good enough" to create this document at an elder law attorney. The attorney will assess him to determine if he has capacity, so don't make any assumptions, just bring him to the appointment and let them decide.
Once you've gone down there to see the lay of the land you will have a much better idea of what possible solutions there may be. I wish you much success in sorting it out with them.