My mom is 84 and having trouble caring for my dad (85) at home. His dementia is growing worse, he often refuses to eat or bathe and he no longer cares to socialize with their friends. He's also incontinent and she has difficulty keeping him clean. He hurt his shoulder and it bothers him so he wanders all night and screams in pain most mornings till around noon. That means she gets little rest and the doctors say there's nothing they can do for his pain. (He has no stomach due to stomach cancer so he can only take Tylenol which doesn't help.) Mom thinks an assisted living facility with a private room near her house would be a great option. She could spend time with him every day there and participate in activities with him but still maintain her own health and independence at home. My sister is infuriated and wants mom to hire round the clock care at home instead. Mom doesn't want to have to live with a third party in her small ranch style home and feels she'd be giving up any freedom she may have in the few remaining years of her own life. I see both sides. Each wants my support. Both my sister and I live too far away to be a daily or weekly relief system for our parents so I feel my mom should have the final word, I guess, but if mom makes this choice, I think my sister will completely cut her off. My mom is a higher strung person who doesn't deal well with stress and I know she's doing her best but truthfully, it might be better for my dad to be away from her for periods during the day because she gets frustrated and has meltdowns. But I can't convince sis. She's aghast that mom would even consider putting dad in assisted living and thinks it's cruel and cold. Needless to say, dad also doesn't want to leave his home or his wife. I do feel bad that my mom doesn't want to try home health first but with no kids nearby, I understand that she'd have to always have another person in her home and she's just not the type to be comfortable with that scenario.
Your sister is absolutely right - my advice is that your mom should hire someone to stay with him at night time so she can rest. Assisted living facilities are just 'assisted living facilities' and even if he has his own private room it'd be worse as he starts getting confused or nervous later in the day or when the sun sets that they start pacing or walking …
And if he is all alone that wouldn't be good for him either.
First, it would be better if you and your sister were on the same page. You both have valid concerns. Try to understand each other's point of view.
Secondly, I cannot stress enough -- get informed! Long Term Care is very expensive. Depending on how many hours are needed, Home Health care may be a more cost-effective option.
I would suggest researching online to find out the average cost of Long Term Care in dad's State & if his State offers any assistance with LTC costs. Every State has different qualifications. Find out the cost of Home Health care for hours/days needed. Keep a notebook of the information.
Find a good Estate Planning Attorney to advise you on how to plan, protect & implement your parents finances. Make a list of questions for the attorney. Find out how to protect your parents home if your dad goes into LTC. Ask about getting Durable Power of Attorney from your mother so you can handle finances if she were to become hospitalized or incapacitated. There are questions about Pensions, Social Security, taxes, insurance, burial benefit, etc. that you need to know ahead so that you can plan accordingly.
Once you are well-informed you will feel more confident in making decisions with your mother & sister that are in the best interests of all concerned.
It's definitely a difficult time of life. All the best to you and your family.
Unless you have been a 24/7 caregiver you cannot understand what it is like. Maybe your sister could come for a month and see what it is like. Assistant living and nursing homes get a bad rap. I am a nurse and have worked in them.
blessings to your Mom. Support her
SUPPORT your Mom....
It's not what you want, but what is NEEDED at this time ...
God Bless your mom...
Suggesting your sister spend a week with Mom and Dad and then a week taking care of Dad while Mom goes to visit you or something isn't a bad idea if she is really that blind to the situation at home. It isn't easy to see and really understand how much things have progressed with dementia when you aren't there, even being in contact daily from a distance away is not going to give a clear picture, it's hard to recognize the changes in our parents, kind of like the changes in a young child when you don't see them for a while and no doubt your mom tends to paint a rosier picture on a daily basis it's a natural thing to do. Good for you for recognizing that mom's needs and wishes really can't, shouldn't be ignored she is going through a tough time too and needs the support. I'm sure it isn't easy for her to be making the decision that she can no longer care for her husband by herself and needs to move him to a facility, if you and your sister feel so strongly about this imagine your mom's guilt, after all she raised you and probably instilled the feelings you are having in you...before she started living reality. I would urge you to try and get your sister on board gently without fighting her if possible and then the two of you can help mom and dad make this transition as smoothly as possible. My thoughts are with you all, this is the right thing but not an easy one.
My mother had a stroke and she was sent there after the hospital. She still had her apartment in a senior building. So soon as I felt she was better I signed her out. I would go to her apartment everyday cook ect this was very hard on me but didn't want to admit it to myself. Mind you I had my own family at home. One morning as I did everyday went to do my morning routine. She was not home I thought I would lose my mind she suffers from dementia. She was at the hospital. That day i decided she was going back to assisted living. I remember saying I will never put my mother in a nursing home. You never know until it happens. Just find a good one.
Make sure your sisters knows what all is involved in taking care of him at home.
It is hard and I can tell you you’re mom will not be able to do it! I took care of my dad and I was 38 at the time and even then it was hard to change him, his sheets. Not being able to go anywhere.
Having to help him into the wheelchair to get into the car to go to the doctors appointments. Putting wheelchair into trunk. Then ask her is this realistic for our 84 year old mom to do?
Tell sis, neither of you have a real dog in the fight. Either step up to the plate or let mom make the decision without having to feel guilty. She probably feels guilty enough as it is.
And, yes, let your sister take care of your dad for a year or two. Then approach the subject again.
Caring for an elder is NO joke. It is about 24/7 of the most tedious jobs imaginable punctuated with emergencies and decision-making over and over and over.
It is a job filled with love and caring. And also fatigue and frustration. One hopes that does not develop into resentment but it can.
Not to be underestimated!
Or have her care for him!
https://www.agingcare.com/members/imsusan2
In-home care for a person living with Alzheimer's includes a wide range of services provided in the home rather than in a hospital or care facility. It can allow an individual living with Alzheimer's or another dementia to stay in their own home and can also be of great assistance to caregivers.