I moved from across the country as a new widow to help my aging parents 9 years ago. I have no siblings or cousins, no aunts or uncles. Two years ago I moved next door to help with my father who had dementia. This past summer he moved to memory care, had a fall, and died at 95.
My 92-year-old mother now wants to move in with me to save money. She helps me with some bills, as I stopped working to be a caregiver.
I live in a 1,500 square foot condo and know that her routine and preferences would take priority over mine. I don’t want to sacrifice my home and life for her “saving money.”
I help with her numerous medications, shopping, take her to doctor appointments, take care of household repair and maintenance, manage her bills and finances. She currently uses a walker and can slowly complete ADLs on her own. She’s becoming forgetful but this isn’t dementia.
We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable.
Whatever reason I give for her not moving in, she has an reason that it would work. When I say that I prefer living alone, we would be on top of each other, I have my own lifestyle, she feels hurt that I don’t want her.
My mother doesn’t want to go to the senior center for socializing, or have an aide for companionship, or move to assisted living. Again she has a reason for refusing every suggestion.
I don’t know what else to tell her because no matter what I say, she becomes hurt and angry that I don’t want her. Which is the truth. My sacrifice of “helping for 9 years has been quite enough without total loss of the boundaries I currently have.
So sorry that your marriage was ruined.
Even if a marriage survives though, it is still stressful. Privacy goes out of the window when a parent lives with us.
Sometimes parents interfere in our lives. It’s difficult, for sure.
I regret that my husband and I didn’t have more time alone with each other.
Her wants do NOT supersede your needs.
You live right next door and are doing plenty for her.
The sulking will not stop just because you give in and move her in with you.
In fact, she will see that it worked and will do it even more over every little thing.
I'm glad to read that she has money. Let her continue with her current situation and then AL or SNF as needed.
”No. Let’s talk about something else.”
”No. Oh, look at the time, I have to go.”
Etc.
I took care of my dad for 4 years. The first 2 he was in his house, and I in mine, 5 miles away. I alternated locations where I cooked and where we ate meals as Dad could still drive. Then he became seriously ill. He moved in with us for about 5 months, until a health crisis meant he had to be closer to services (we’re rural). Those 5 months were exceptionally tough, rewarding, tough, tough and tough. And we got along great. Not the situation with you and your mom.
You spent 9 years with hands on caring. That is plenty. You already know that living in the same space will not work.
No is a complete sentence.
My best, and good luck!
Although I wouldn't recommend continuing the conversation.
I would encourage this daughter to state her feelings and boundaries and then stop talking about it. The / her mother won't stop as she wants to persuade the daughter (due to fears - likely isn't really about money).
Whatever the situation, the daughter needs to be clear on her own needs and setting boundaries.
Maybe if you get a coule of Webcams in her house it would make her feel better, as you could check from next door....even talk to her if you need to...?
I have one in my mom's living room...she live's 2 1/2 to 3 hours away, so it's nice to check in and see if she's in her chair moving around.
Speaking clearly, having convictions in boundaries set.
State decisions and that's it.
The less said the better. There is no winning this 'argument' with the mother so best not to leave the subject open to discussion. It will only lead to frustration and heightened emotional upset.
Yes. This daughter needs to do what is best for herself.
Perhaps she could use that money and hire help leaving you free to work (as long as your own health and situation allow).
I tried to move my mom in with us after we found a massive bed bug infestation at her home. It only lasted three weeks and we took her home with 24 hour care. There were a hundred reasons it did not work. And it was just took much work as she was almost entirely incapacitated by this time. I had help from my husband and it was to difficult even with two of us.
Since you are alone it will be to much work for you. I would start exploring other care options now. DON’T WAIT. If you wait to look when the time comes it could be a hard road. I speak from experience.
Do you have medical POA? If there is a Trust? get it out and review it thoroughly. You might find a quirky clause like we did that further complicated all her care, (physical and financial ) issues.
Like many others I could go on and on with this issue but I tried to keep my response short.
Good luck.
DON'T DO IT.
Maintain your boundaries for your sanity.
Yes, of course, she'll refuse every suggestion. Expect this and do what you need. to do. And, if you are not her POA, she does whatever (else) she needs and wants to do as an alternative to living with you.
You are (potentially setting yourself up) in a no-win situation.
Gena / Touch Matters
Too many times we find ourselves in a struggle and we say to ourselves that the situation isn’t all that bad, when the truth is that, it is bad.
The other thing that people will say is that it could be worse. Just because things can always be worse doesn’t mean that we should be willing to accept a crappy situation.
I feel that not allowing a parent to live with us is about self preservation.
I've been watching this thread because, like many, I have some similar things to navigate. My response from the beginning was that you and your mother should not live together, but I had no reason to chime in because you were getting that advice. Secondly, I'm not very good at saying "no" or dealing with my own mother's manipulativeness, so I don't have anything helpful of my own to contribute there.
However, I got to the end of the thread and saw that you mention your mother is actually wealthy, Bingo! Although my mother won't consider it (and probably can't really afford it), I went and checked out a retirement home for her. Holy crow! Like someone else said, at least some of them are like a very nice hotel. I was very impressed. It was lovely!
If my mom had the money, I'd being doing whatever I could think of to encourage her to spend it on something like that. I don't find it hard to imagine I might not be able to get her there, but I'd sure try hard. Perhaps there is a place near you (as this one near me). I went there and asked to take photos, which I gave my mom who said she'd never fit it. Too posh! Lol! That never stopped her before. She's always loved to pretend she's very well off. At any rate, it probably is above her means, so I let it go.
In your case, it sounds like it would be within your mother's means. If that were true in my case, I'd make an appointment at the place, and see what kind of coaching they could help me with, to get my mom there to have a look, spend a few hours, have a meal. The one I looked at had a hair salon, a lovely paved path along the water, etc., a craft room, a bistro, a lounge ... Perhaps they could help you put together an "outing" of 2 or 3 hours, like a hair do and a meal, to give her "something to think about".
You never know. If you could do that, she might throw you over for a better alternative!
Good luck - to both of us ...
For those who had rocky—or worse—relationships with their parents, things will only get a lot worse. You know the drill. You’ve already put in 9 years. Even when you’re caregiving from long distance, your mind and psyche are there with your person. It will be abysmal if she moves in when you know it’s last thing you want. Her paying the bills isn’t worth it though she will never see it that way. Is she saving money for her future or an inheritance for you? Which is more important? The money or your sanity? Obviously your sanity but you have to follow through on taking care of yourself.
I let my mom move in with me when she was diagnosed with breast cancer....big mistake.
If your instincts are saying no, then listen to them....
your sacrifice may be repaid in a way you don't want you are old and any problems
It is much harder to get rid of them once they move in. It’s almost impossible because no one is going to want to move from the comforts of home with their 24/7 child/slave taking care of their every need and demand, to a senior living facility where they will be much more easily ignored, abused, and neglected. They can also more easily abuse and manipulate their children than an outside caregiver.
I've never advocated that children should not take care of their parents, but there need to be boundaries in order for you to maintain your happiness and sanity. Your current setup is ideal. You are next door, but you can return to your own home for some peace and quiet. I would love to have that setup rather than share the same roof with my mother. You are doing more than enough and deserve to have your independence from her outside of your caregiving hours.
I told her after her Doc appt on Jan 4th we will bring in part time help. My Mom is set financially. Just been SOOOO resistant!
So refreshing when you read (on VERY rare occasion) that an elderly person understands this. If you have the $, make the plan now.
Now I try to drill into my Mom (which doesn't matter) that she should practice getting up and down from a chair-the sofa, as she struggles now. She shouldn't!!! She is 79 & sedentary. She has put herself in this weak physical place. My Dad was 92 & up until 3 mos before he passed. He got himself up & down from the toilet. We had to move him out few mos before he passed in Jan &b had 24-7 Caretakers for him. He cherished his independence! What a concept! He fought to do exercises daily!
Love when I see my late 80's neighbors out walking every eve!
****If you aren't walking or exercising, start TODAY! Then do it every day! Can you walk outside for 30 mins? An hour Do it!
It is not up to adult children to pay back the feeding, clothing, and educating (many don't pay for schooling) by becoming indentured bond servants when the parents get old and needy. They chose to have children. The children do not owe them anything.