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Of course, you love your mom and want to see her. She and your brother are making this extremely difficult for you.

Your brother is burned out and bitter. He’s also a bully who wants things his way. He thinks that he can emotionally blackmail you. Don’t fall for it. Deep down bullies are insecure. Stand up for yourself and your mom. I would be tempted to call 911 for her wounds when your brother leaves.

So, your mom gets mad. She’s mad now, so let her get mad over doing what you know is the right thing for her and for the rest of you.

Your brother has exerted control over your mother. She’s at his mercy because she is dependent upon him. She may be fearful of his outbursts. Or they may be feeding off of each other’s frustrations. This situation spells Disaster with a capital D!

He knows that he needs a physical and emotional break and is smart enough to leave when you arrive to see your mother. He’s overstepping his boundaries though by demanding that you fill his role.

I would make it clear to your mom and your brother that you won’t be visiting unless someone else is there to care for her needs.

The fact that he is allowing her to live in this condition is awful. I don’t know if your mom is fearful of a nursing home or if he is hoarding her money but there isn’t any reasonable excuse for her not being in a facility where she can receive help from a professional staff 24/7.

Are you able to speak with your mother mom’s doctor? I would most definitely write a letter to him even if you don’t have access to medical records. See if he can force your mom to enter a facility based on your brother’s negligence. Tell him that he leaves when you arrive and that you are not physically able to do the care that he does.

It’s a tough situation for sure. I am so sorry that you are experiencing such heartache. You may even want to speak with an attorney who deals with this issue. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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You need to call adult protective services and report a neglected elder with bedsores that are not medically managed.

You are your siblings are part of the problem. You all are so afraid of your mother and Tom that you all refuse to do right by her. What you are doing isn’t it.

Those bedsores are going to kill her. You are NEGLECTING her medical care. This is ridiculous.
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Reply to Southernwaver
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Lovepum Jan 7, 2024
She is getting medical care- but she is not getting daily help with care. Sorry if I made it sound like she wasn’t seeing a doctor. She sees a doctor- because insurance will pay for that. Anything out of pocket, he refused to pay for- such as in care help with her daily needs.

I have tried to stand up to Tom, so has my brother. Yesterday was total manipulation in Tom and Mom’s part.

if you think that knowing that APS is still warranted, after knowing that she is seeing a doctor, I will 100 percent call. I love Mom and want what’s best for her.
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If she has gaping bedsores, she needs an ambulance!
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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Southernwaver Jan 6, 2024
It’s really infuriating to read this story. No one has enough backbone to do the right thing, and that is going to lead to her death.
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You say “We can’t walk out and say, sorry, can’t do it,and leave her there”. So you stay and do stuff, and it happens again. Pretty obvious, don’t you think?

Perhaps you can use your phone in her hearing when you are there to call APS, then leave. Make sure you tell APS that it jeopardises your safety, and you have made that clear to mother as well as brother. You say “Mom knew nobody was coming, it was her plan to have my brother do her care all along”. She has to find out that it isn’t going to work. Things have to change for her, not just for your brother. She should be able to use her phone to call your brother, and tell him that things have gone pear shaped.

With luck, APS will have a look at brother's care as well as mother's needs.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Lovepum Jan 7, 2024
Thank you.
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