My mother is in the hospital since Friday with an infected toe. She is on IV antibiotics. She asks for my help changing her depends in the bathroom and then snaps at me and tells me to shut up. Well I changed her and got her in bed and told her I was leaving now and then left. She is sweet as pie to the doctors and nurses and treats me like sh*t. She is of sound mind. The doctor that saw her said she is as sharp as a tack. I need to get her into assisted living because I know when she gets home she will not let me help her with the wound. She is also a hoarder. Now she can’t even find the remote to the tv a week ago. Should I tell the doctor and nurses? She is of sound mind but she won’t change her clothes or bathe. Her toe got that way because she won’t soak it and won’t let me help her. She got her toenails clipped 2 weeks ago by a podiatrist and they didn’t look like that then. But since she has had the same socks on for 2 weeks she didn’t know what her toe looked like. It was nasty. All gross and infected. It got that way because she let it go and didn’t let me help her!! She just blames it on the podiatrist. Then she was complaining to me yesterday that the nurses gave her a water pill to take. It is her prescribed medication. But it makes her urinate. She’s mad at the nurse for giving her the water pill and takes it out on me. I can’t take it anymore. I know if by some miracle she goes to assisted living she will never speak to me again. I am so torn right now.
When I would point out how she hurt me, every time she would say one of these things, “You misunderstood me, or That’s not how I meant it, or You shouldn’t feel that way.” Always!
I got so tired of telling her, “Mom, there isn’t any other way to interpret it but if you want to add something to clarify it, I am willing to listen.”
She didn’t add anything. She knew fully well how she meant it. She just didn’t like being confronted. Know what I mean?
What would set me over the edge was, she would call my brothers and complain! Totally inaccurate version! Grrrrr.
I said to her, “Why do you feel the need to tattle on me like elementary school children.” Her answer was, “Well, they need to know what is going on.” WHAT??? I was stunned.
I told her that I never called them to tattle on her. Wasn’t my style to do that. Not that they would have been interested in what I had to say but you know what I mean.
I always hated that I never had privacy or intimacy with mom. I was never able to confide in her about anything because it was like telling a newspaper reporter.
Grandma wasn’t like that. I could talk to her. My aunt wasn’t like that either. Nor was my MIL. But she was.
Yeah, the holidays bring out mixed emotions. Do what is right for you.
Why do you put up with her BS, Elaine? Why are you afraid of her? Channel that doctor the next time she acts out.
If social services says she's fine enough to manage her own affairs, then leave her to do so
Glad her toe is fine. You probably saved her from sepsis. Get on with living YOUR life and leave her to hers.
We ( the daughters) have had many more opportunities in out lives. We are better educated, have had careers, are often financially independent. Our moms got sold the post WWII hooey about staying home and having a perfect family. I think there is some jealousy going on!
That being said, most people who feel that they are being made to feel small have a problem inside their own heads. They lack the "me-ness", the sense of self worth that most of us acquire through a fortunate combination of okay parenting, good supportive mentoring relationships and a worthwhile endeavor like a job, whether paid or volunteer. Our self image does not shift with the immediate approval or actions or others.
I believe that you've said that your mother has previously diagnosed mental illness? Does she have Borderline Personality Disorder?
Elaine, read the above article when you get a chance.