Proposal to move in with MIL for a financial win/win? Is it a solution or potential disaster?

Yrslz, you only posted this two days ago and even though it sounds as if this is no longer a question, that you have decided this move isn't in your best interests, it might still take you some time to tell fiance your decision--and he may try to change your mind. PLEASE let this forum know when your decision is a done deal.

NOOOOO!!!!!!!! you will be sorry and at her beck and call. ALL THE TIME. Then not able to leave her alone bc she is frail, scared, cant be without her son, or has ailments that need tending to asap. These ailments could stop you going to a concert, out to dinner, on vacation, or even just to go shopping. Think about that. You cant go alone. You will have to invite her every time. She might be offended if you dont. YOU will be her entertainment too. At her beck and call. Forget about a movie, dinner, or visiting friends.

Mom can easily manipulate any situation. Her son is already visiting 2-3 times a week. Is this recent, or did he just start doing this? Was this his idea, or the mom's idea? If mom moves in, who do you think is going to rule the roost? My bet it wont be you. You will be the lowest rung on the ladder. Your ideas for fun, will have to go thru him, and then HER. She will be able to squash or veto any and all ideas. How? By guilting her son. Wanna take a romantic getaway? Not gonna happen unless she goes, or you will be the selfish one bc she is too scared to be alone for a few days. See how easily the situation can be manipulated??? Dont do it. Do you think she will want son going on a honeymoon leaving her alone? She gets him 2-3x a week bc she is lonely now. What about when you want romantic time? She's in the apartment with YOU. Probably the next room. Feel sexy now?? Probably not.

Do yourself a favor and read how people's lives morphed into being personal servants on here. How the elderly person throws temper tantrums or manipulates them. Then read again. Your giving up your freedom and your life.

How do you know fiancee wont leave all the caregiving up to you? Or dump it in your lap? Most men think women are natural caregivers and can do that. Whats the big deal? Or will say I cant help bathe, toilet etc, its my mom. I cant deal. You might love helping, or get stuck with all of it.

The 2 could provide a united front against you and your stuck. If push comes to shove hell pick his mom because of guilt. Ive never heard anyone on here say they love living with their aging parent, or inlaws. Its usually quite stressful. Now you will have the situation in your lap. You have to go home to it. Every day. No private time unless you go hide in your bedroom. Now your selfish you need personal time.

Other posters are right about mom will become mom again treating her son like he's a kid. That still happens when my husb goes over to his mom's house. He wont try to change it. I cant stand it. Been ingrained far too long. Your stuck with that. Thats not fun if she tries to pull rank and your fiance says work it out between yourselves. And he probably will. Hes been a son a lot longer than your signifigant other. Its horrible.

If the woman is quiet and reserved she might feel you are the outsider that has to go. She WILL love being content having her son at her beck and call, but not you. It worries me she is lonely and her son is filling in to make her happy now. She has no interest in anything else. Slippery slope!!! Visiting and outings are great, but there should be no guilt involved in it. It should be happy and fun. I bet he does it out of guilt now. I bet over time her son will have to be with her more and more to check in because she is lonely. Its 2-3 times, wait till its every day even if for 5 mins.

She could get an apartment and you could move to an apartment that is more affordable. Its not the only apartment in town.

You will be resentful she comes first all the time, or have to move out. Will you get married if mom moves in? Will she be part of the wedding planning? Will she be ok to be on her own for the honeymoon? If your fiancee is seeing her out of guilt you have your answer just by that. Good luck.

The responses are so negative here.

It could be good to move in. See if she can put the house under your names so it goes to you guys when her time comes.

That is what my brothers mother-in- law did and she just passed and they inherited her $500,000 dollar house.

If you have patience and you can handle living with a 70 year old woman, it may be ok. You're saving money and she is too, with you guys giving her money to pay her bills.

Make sure that you & hubby are on the deed as co-owners if you are paying so much of expenses - if she wants she can then leave her 1/3 to her other son to be fair - you may have to buy him out at a later date but do this with a lawyer

Make sure to set up a secondary TV area for you two so that there is flexibility on viewing shows/entertaining friends

Do not do it. Go with your gut.
I love MaryKathleen’s response.

My first reaction was NO, don't do it. Even though she seems like a sweet lady I think that she would feel as if you were the odd person out in the situation. She may consider you a lovely person right now but in any situation were there might be a disagreement in approach, you would be considered the intruder. Your fiancé would likely find it difficult to be pulled in two directions and would either side with her or just bow out of the discussion. I once had my father-in-law living with us and my ex always took his side. I was in the wrong or I should try harder or I should be more understanding of the old fellow.

I would suggest instead trying to find out what services or organisations are available for seniors in her area to help her with her loneliness. My own mother didn't make friends often and preferred to monopolise my father's time. When our father died and she was living in a residence with many social activities, she chose not to participate but complained of loneliness when my brother and I visited. During our private conversations my brother and I felt that we could not fill a need that she had and was creating herself. This is slightly off the point, I know but at 70 people can still make new friends. I am 74 and continue to socialise with a small ladies' group regularly.

Back to living with your m-i-l and saving money. Can you suggest to her that she should downsize and help her to find a retirement community? That might save some money and get her into a group of similar people. Many of them have shopping facilities on the premises or bus excursions to shopping plazas at intervals. The ones I have seen have craft and exercise sessions as well as libraries and small movie theatres. Some also have bus trips to other social activities.

As far as your own cost reduction is concerned, I think you would eventually feel that it wasn't worth it for the emotional pain involved. Your m-i-l might be the rare exception to the downside of moving in together but you have already mentioned some of the negatives which have occurred to you. I still think it is not a good idea.

I echo thepianist -- Please keep us updated!

(I'm also in the DON'T DO IT camp.)

Of course the answers are negative. The only one with the clear advantage is the soon to be MIL. Why does she have a morgage at age 70?
She gets her house paid for, it is still in her name, and 2 people to control. If you dont think she will be controlling your entire life in HER HOUSE you are woefully naive. She makes no effort to get to know you. Sees son while your at work. Thats not shyness. Not after 2yrs. She doesnt care about you. Or she would visit you both. She makes it a point of being alone with her son.
You shouldnt feel guilty bc she is lonely. That is NOT your job to make another person happy. You cant. That is her job to make herself happy. Is she saying she is getting depressed. If thats the case that is a big red flag/manipulation. She is already making you feel guilt, and you havent moved in yet.
What happens if you tell fiance no? Will he guilt you, or be ok? Something tells me she will work on him, to cont to guilt you into doing what she wants. Shes seeing her son 5 days a week. You are the other woman. You just dont know it yet. I had a narc mom. I can smell manipulation a mile off. Normal relationships are not based on guilt. I bet if you say no, there will be 2 people mad at you.

Did I miss it, or where does it say what your fiancé's wishes are? Is he putting pressure on you to move in? Like someone else said, why does the MIL want your fiancé and you to move in and not his brother?

Is she already possibly a bit "jealous" of your and fiancé's relationship?

When I was first married to my husband many years ago (he has since passed away), his 8 brothers and sisters assumed their father was going to come live with us! OMG! NO WAY !!! I let my husband know in no uncertain terms that I married HIM, not his father. HE, my husband was my boyfriend, the love of my life, and I looked forward to a life of being with him, traveling (he was military) and children and not being a caregiver to a parent.

Really, really think about this.... if you really love your fiancé, preserve that relationship and live your lives the two of you. Marriage is hard enough without living in someone else's home with them, with NO privacy.

Please let us know if you tell him no. Im curious as to the outcome. Something tells me this might have already been decided. I really hope Im wrong. Good luck!

A recipe for disaster. I think (and hope) that the OP has already realized this. I echo the sentiment that you were wise, OP, to trust your gut and seek support here. It's wonderful to have so much experience on which to rely.

Hi. I unfortunately agreed 25 years ago. Yes 25. To build a house with my mom and husband. Well ,no way is the financial win win worth the loss of privacy or freedom. She does didn’t have dementia then. She was fun. Now my husband, daughter and I can’t wait till she’s in memory care. Absolutely zero privacy. She opens our bedroom doors and looks in . She needs bathed , she leaves food out, she has 2 cats. I saw their bowl , Mold was in it. Now I clean it daily. My husband and I will never ever expect our only child to have either of us move in with her. And she completely gets it. We get away, a life saver for us, because my daughter spots us. She and her boyfriend get away as well. Today, some scammer called her, I wasn’t home. My daughter caught it. They said they were from the social security administration and wanted her bank account info. My daughter intercepted. Thank God. It’s just way too much

two years ago I had to move to another state to be near my son because I needed help with my sick husband
a year later we bought a house together
this was good for my son because he and his wife would never have been able to save a deposit
However, it is a large single storey house with lots of different living areas. I turned part of the house into a two bedroom, living room and en-suite flat with private entrance so effectively we have our own living quarters within the house. The only room we share is kitchen and laundry if grandchildren have friends around etc we can just

i think if you could do this and make totally separate living are for potential MIL it would work out much better for all of you

Doesn't sound too good to me. First, it seems like a lot of things aren't ironed out. Who cleans the house? If you do your laundry, are you expected to do hers too? Who cooks? If she's home all day and you work, I would think that you wouldn't want to. Who is responsible for the utilities and food expenses? The way I see it, you are paying for the whole house payment and getting to live there. How much of the house will you be able to kick off your shoes and be comfortable? Remember, it won't be yours anymore, even though you are paying for it. Plus, with her depression, how needy is she going to be and how much of her son's time is she going to monopolize? Sorry, I don't see much good coming out of this.

That plan could go south. Don't do it.

Knowing now what I didn't think through two years ago, I would have not took Mother on 24/7/365. She doesn't have full blown dementia (yet), but a lot of the things she does and how she behaves is very annoying. Familiarity breeds contempt. I hardly ever go anywhere without her. My husband her one date night a month when my daughter stays with her. I have no social life. Friends don't come over and I have to take her If I visit them. I can't even go outside without her following me.
Your MIL might be easy to get along with now, but as time goes by little things will bug you about her (and her about you), and they will fester with regret for agreeing to living together.
If you take this on, the thing you will miss most is your freedom and privacy. You will become bitter, negative, and unhappy.
Okay... Maybe not, but I guess if you're a gambler, go for it.

No way, no how would I do it unless there are hard core written agreements. As I’m writing this my Mother, 87 is moving in w a sibling because I can’t mentally do it anymore. She’s been w me 13 years+ and due to outside influences, she’s become a very bitter woman to my husband and I. She doesn’t want to move to another state w us and we’re ready to retire and move on. Never again would I ever let a family member live with me for NOTHING!!!

I understand money can be tight but having little money is far less of a problem than having a "third party" involved in your life who is older and very close with one spouse. This could be a recipe for disaster. The aging and dementia process will kick in and you will have more and more responsibilities dumped on you and eventually, I assure you, your relationship won't be as good or as comfortable with your other half. And he will choose his mother - blood is stronger than water. I would have her downsize considerably and look into a caretaker as needed but no matter what reasons come up, I would hesitate bringing someone into my life at this age. And you work and I assume you need the job and also need to take care of your present and future - and you can't do it all. Think twice before you all consolidate into one unit.

IF you move in, then this is not your home, and there should be none of your money going into it. The home is being left, currently, as you said, to your fiancee, who is not even your husband. You would have no rights to it even if he WERE your husband, as inheritance is considered NOT community property. So anything you sink into that home in terms of any of your salary is a gift to your MIL and fiancee and there will be no recover for you whatsoever when the MIL dies. IF you choose to do this you need to keep your finances separate, your fiancee and his Mom can pay the mortgage since essentially it is and always will be their home with you having zero rights. So if you do this you need to pay your living expenses only and save your money for an uncertain future, given that futures are always uncertain.

Do not do it. It is terrible to lose your privacy and your in law will love having her son around and time you had with your hubby will be shared with your in law. Trust me, don’t do it.

If you move in and the situation goes bad, how will you leave? Do you think your fiancee will agree to leave with you?
Something tells me he couldnt leave mom, and you would be the bad guy.

DON'T DO IT!!! If you do, let fiancee pay 1/2 the rent and her other half.Pitch in 1/3 of utilities. YOU will become the unpaid caregiver for her. Get ready for her son does no wrong, "this is MY house...."You WILL be doing all the cooking and cleaning.Just speaking from experience, moved MIL into our home, tells everyone she moved into her son's house. I am now introduced as her "girl" that takes care of her. Been married 37 years.I also have the added joy of dealing with 2 of satan's spawn, oops, sorry sister in laws who do NOTHING to help but everything to say about what I do. Run, don't walk, find a cheaper apartment. You will not have any privacy, you will no longer have a social life because mom's not going to want people in and out of her house. Get ready for pouting and poor me attitude if the two of you want a date night,not gonna happen. My MIL was super sweet too, I still love her a great deal but because of her medical situation and her daughters giving her advise to TELL me what to do she can be very rude and mean. Best bet is to have his mom sell house, downsize, buy a condo or townhouse and lock extra funds up in a cd for future use. You need time with your fiancee alone or your relationship will not end well, but it will end. Good luck

Been there, done that. PLEASE DONT

I do not understand why anyone so freely sells their lives. It happens everyday and then years later wondering what in the world did I hope to gain? What brokenness in me did I think this situation would repair?
You will not gain a family - you’ll become the maid, “not the maid they wanted but the maid they got”.

So what was your answer to mom & son?

Don't Do It for your own sanity.

I would very much like to know what your choice has been in this matter.

I don't think this is a good idea. Although it may eliminate some financial stress for you & your fiance, it sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. MIL has pitched an idea where she gets you & her son to pay her mortgage payment, you will probably provide most of the groceries & YOU will probably get stuck with a lot of the cooking as well as other household chores. I'm thinking MIL is a genius - she has found a way to get sonny boy back in the house, she gets you both to pay for it, she gets you as an indentured servant & she gets the two of you to keep her company. You could probably kiss goodbye the notion of entertaining your friends in what is essentially HER home. You would probably have to clear it with her first & there may never be a good time for that as far as she is concerned.

I wouldn't do it. Nope. Nope. Nope. There is simply more for you to lose than you could possibly gain from this. Another thing - no couple needs to start out a marriage living with relatives unless there is simply no other choice. You have a choice & don't be dazzled by the prospect of saving a few hundred bucks a month. You will find your happiness is worth far more than that.

Let MIL get a roommate or better yet, a social life of her own.