My MIL had LDB. My FIL had ALZ. And my husband is maybe starting to show possible MCI. We'll know more in the first of next year as to whether or not it is dementia or something else altogether.
However, in a fit of my recent insomnia, as I was remembering some conversations between hubby and I about driving as a privilege that has to be earned and not a right, it suddenly hit me -- between business and personal we have access to many, many vehicles and each have three sets or more of keys! There is no way to remove keys and/or disable them all.
I remember the huge battles with both FIL and MIL to stop driving. Anticipating a repeat with future hubby independence loss, any ideas or suggestions I can put in my tool kit for future use with many, many vehicles at his disposal?
TIA
If he could cause harm to himself or others driving, then he must stop.
Somehow, you need to find ways. There are ways to remove keys and/or disable a car. You have to do what you have to do. Contact a local Alzheimer's Association or other dementia support organizations and ask them for advice.
It sounds like you have made your decisions already - figuring there is nothing you can do. Perhaps get rid of all the cars. Why do you have / need more than one? If he is unable to function, he shouldn't 'be' in business and/or have a need to drive.
I know these situations are not easy - they are difficult.
You must keep your focus on what could possibly happen - he could kill someone in the car and others outside.
Do not argue.
Dis-engage the cars.
Sell the cars.
You do what you have to do.
Gena / Touch Matters
There are ways to manage keys. I think selling the 'many' cars.
Have one set of keys for one car.
This is one of the most difficult behaviors to give up - ability to drive.
Of course, it depends on the medical provider's diagnosis.
If dementia, there is no reasoning (as you were able to do.)
Some people cannot understand that they can no longer be safe driving and so they resist, argue, scream, and more. No one wants to lose their independence and this is a huge one. I would say you were VERY FORTUNATE that your husband handled it as he did (and had the cognitive abilitiy to do so). My sense is that this writer needs to know she can make changes / decisions, even if that means selling the 'many cars' available to them ... and that doesn't make sense to me as this wasn't clarified / explained ... why so many cars?
You've also triggered a necessary to do step to help unravel the intertwined business interests. So another thank you for that.
My father had open heart surgery in his 60s and many strokes in the following decade of his life. He would not give up driving willingly. I got a call in the middle of the night from his former employer's night watchman. Dad had gotten the keys and driven there, in his pajamas, thinking he still worked there. Mom finally locked up the keys in a combination locked box.
With my husband, it was more involved but resolved with mutual agreement and participation.
First, we chatted generally, like you have, about the importance of safety and skills needed to drive responsibly. Then I shared stories I'd heard about dangerous things that actually happened when older drivers wouldn't give it up.
In the car I'd mention my fears as he tailgated or took chances with passing, etc. Eventually, I convinced him to let me be designated driver at all times. After that transition, we sold or donated extra vehicles (he was proud to find and give the donation).
Then, I helped him understand that all he needed was a formal non-driving ID, issued by the DMV. I let him know how relieved I'd be if he'd get one, ensuring safety for both of us. I took care to research and explain that it is universally accepted, and would make the appointment for him.
I'm sure this scenario may not match your circumstances, but if he's open to some persuasion, he may even come to regard becoming a "passenger-only" rider if he knows he has you or other sources as reliable drivers.
In time, I was able to resolve this issue, but it took time....
The minute you think hubby becomes unsafe to drive, ask your primary doctor to order a virtual driving assessment through their OT dept. If he fails, then you are not the one to be the "bad guy" cancelling his license (the OT reports it to his primary who reports it to the Dept of Public Safety who then sends out a letter of license cancellation).
But the problem of vehicle access still remains. The more vehicles that are in play, the more complicated it becomes for you.
You can look into keyless entry installation. No more keys to get into vehicles, only a keypad with a programmable entry code (hint: you control the code and can change it so he can't get into the vehicle).
I don't know how much it costs to install and I don't have one myself, but it would mean you wouldn't have to be hiding keys or disabling cars, you'd just need to deal with his anger when you tell him you "don't remember the code to get in".
"Is there a reason some of the vehicles can't be sold? How many vehicles are you talking about? What kinds of vehicles?"
Answers, in order...
Kinda/sorta/maybe. Most are designated within the partnership/business/not-for-profit business assets groupings. I'll have to work with an attorney to find out what can be done to untangle the personal and business interests.
At any given time, +/- ten. Hubby worked in the industry and at one time oversaw a fleet of 49. So the current situation is really just an extension of his career.
While it varies, the majority are standard cars and pick-ups. All are older, drive-able, keyed models. A couple of specialty ones.
You've given me some ideas. Thanks.
Men will never touch those.
I am kind of kidding here, but I doubt any of us can come to your house and hide the keys to all the cars. I think you are on your own with great hiding places. I recommend hollowed out novels your husband and all others would never DREAM of touching. And do label them.