I have posted about a week ago about my dad trying to convince me to get him out of AL. He is 87, with some degree of dementia, on top of numerous personality disorder issues and controlling issues...
Well, I thought things had turned around. Rather than a studio room , there is a 1 BR apartment available in the AL, that they have offered to him, and he can afford. He seemed enthusiastic about it, and asked me to talk to them about it, contingent on making some renovations to the room which I negotiated with them and are underway. I spend some time discussing what changes should occur, and agreed with them that he will move in contingent on these changes.
Then, today when I visited, he sprung on me that " I need to get out of assited living ASAP " and " I want to buy a house near you and get 24/7 in house caretakers. "
I told him that I dont have time to help in buying / selling a house and setting this all up. He agreed that " yes I dont want to take your time up but help me setting this up"
I tried to say " you need to stay in assisted living, no way this will work" . but somehow in discussion/ argument settled that, the only way I would support this is if we hire on a geriatric care managment company to arrange all this and work with you and a realtor and caretaker agenices to set it all up, and I will be out of the loop.
Let me say that he has the money in estate to fund this, if for a short period of time. He thinks he is " only going to live a couple more years' . he is 87, but to me, who knows that he may live another 10 years.
anyway, I said that I do NOT agree with trying to buy a house and live in your own house at this stage, even with expensive 24/7 care at $30,000 a month, even if you can afford it, is not a good idea.
but he tonight seemed insistent on it. I told him that if he does this he is either 1) on his own, I wont be involved, or 2) I'll provide him with a geriatric care management company to help him and elder care attorney, and thats all I do.
Then I second guessed myself and wondered, " could I help with this?" in another post I mentioned how narcissistic, and micromanging he is. I helped him buy a house 10 years ago and it almost killed me in the process. I could not do it again I think ....
anyway, during an argument I said that I cannot support getting your own house, but if you insist, I'll retain a geriatric care management company, at cost of $200/hour and they can help me. somehow he seemed to still want me to do the work. So I stormed out of his AL room and said, " well you are on your own". not a pleasant thing. As I walked down the hallway of the AL, he was yelling down the hall calling my name desperately.
Then, 20 mins later, while I was driving home he called me and said " I'll do whatever you say. I beg of you please listen, I'll do what you tell me". this was after 2 hours of him trying to dictate out to me what I should do! He then was anxious to know when I would next visit in person. I said " Im busy the next day or two, but you can call me tomorrow night, and then we will see when I will come by"
I said " well, step 1 is, you cant get out of AL in a hurry. you have to stay there a while. Then also, to buy a house etc will take some time. you have to put up with it for some time. " and 2) if you really want to get your own house and 24/7 care, I dont have time to do it. Take me out of the loop. We can hire a geriatric care management company to help and they will charge out of your estate $200/hour of work they do. He said " yes, yes, whatever it takes"
well, I guess I'm running my inheritance down into the ground, but thats all I can do. I sure am not going to take my personal time to look for a house and nit pik along with him as he really wants. I'm glad to just take zero inheritance at this time.
ok Im just venting I guess. but also looking to see if you all think I could have handled this differently.
It's the holidays, the most wonderful time of the year! You have things to do besides pick up dad's phone calls, going to see dad, listening to dad's complaints, dealing with his demands, and so on. Tell him you both need a cooling off period, or a break from idiocy, or something. Stick to no-contact for a while. Believe me, dad will be busy at AL with their plans to keep residents happy. If he doesn't see or talk to you, he'll survive. They always do.
Then after a month or so or whenever you think you can get back to Daddy Dearest without throwing up, do it. Then what? Methinks the drama will continue.
Or maybe you don't get back to him.
Whatever, you don't help him get a house. You don't provide a geriatric manager. You do.......nothing. Oh, maybe wish him a happy new year, but WAIT.....
He'll want to draw you back in, but the man has dementia. His brain is turning to mush and has holes in it! He can't handle decision-making. He is in no way able to live on his own.
Don't quit your job. Don't move him in with you. That's my advice and I'm sticking to it.
You are allowing a man with dementia to call the shots here, meaning you've agreed to jump down the rabbit hole WITH him.
Go back to your last post and read the comments a few times. This has nothing to do with inheritance, which will be run into the ground one way or another.....but about what's safe and REASONABLE for BOTH of you. Dad is at YOUR mercy, as evidenced by him saying, "I'll do whatever you say. I beg of you please listen, I'll do what you tell me". Tell him what he has to do now.
This is very harmful to your Dad, and it must stop.
You need to tell your father that he is no longer competent to make this decision and that he cannot any longer care for himself. That this ALF is his home now, and that is NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
No argument. No discussion. End of subject.
Then you tell him calmly that when this subject comes up you will be leaving, or hanging up the phone.
IF your father is competent enough to call his own attorney, leave his own care, buy his own home, then he will do so, right? And you should resign any POA you have at that point.
But he isn't. So he won't.
You are making this into a big deal and a huge issue with all this guesswork about costs and attorneys and what places to live.
Your Dad is 87 and is requiring in- facility care.
You will never get him to adjust as long as you keep discussing and arguing this.
Stop it at once.
I think it is time for you to meet with the admins at the facility where your Dad is and to take their advice, even if that advice is to cut way down on calls and visits for a while. Your Dad is having trouble adjusting to in facility care and that is normal, but you being wishy-washy about it is going to harm him and going to delay his adjustment enormously.
And if you truly think your Dad could be out on his own? TRULY??? Then I have to wonder.
I love this !!!
You say the AL he's in is decent and they've given him the available apartment instead of just a room. That's good. He belongs there.
If he wants to leave on his own and buy another house at his age and everything else, let him. Don't help him do it and when he gets hiimself into trouble and likely will, don't help him then either. That would be when it's time for the geriatric care manager and that time is not now.
Take the advice of Isthisrealyreal in the comments. It is good advice. You have to let him succeed or fail with no imput from you.
It's hard but that's what you have to do.
The sister is quite content EXCEPT when her sister visits. She screams "when can I go back to my apartment?". She is perfectly content around other family members.
Sadly, my professor has decided she can't visit sis anymore, as she is a huge trigger. Her kids, her husband, friends all visit and it's fine.
Consider that in the short term, you may be triggering for dad.
Yes, I realize now that I'm still half way down the rabbit hole. I need to get myself out before its too late. Reading these forums has helped a lot.
I do need to read up more about dementia.
_Strugglin'
She also is in a Studio room and we do have her on a waiting list for a one bedroom. Her room is very pretty though, bright and a beautiful view of gardens outside her window. After one of her falls, she had to recover in a NH for a short time and we had lined up a one bedroom at the AL for her to go into, but she refused to go, therefore lost that availability and who knows when the next one bedroom will come....but she absolutely cannot go home.
She has always been a negative person and I believe Narcissistic as well. She steaming mad every time I go to see her and it makes the visit extremely uncomfortable. So today.....I am going to pray first, then head over with my chin up and visit. Should it become uncomfortable for me at any point, I will let her know I love her but cannot stay and visit with arguing happening. it is no productive for her and me.
So here I go.......I will report back later today and let you all know how it went. Meanwhile, I am praying for EVERYONE on this site, to be strong and make decisions that will be productive for their loved one as well as themselves. Such a site of awesome folks, I can't thank you all enough!
Take a hiatus from your father so that you can think straight.
He is where he belongs, they all try and pull that crap he is pulling on you. His brain is broken he is not making sound decisions.
Actually, he most likely should be in MC. Move him to the apartment and let it be.
Tell him when his doctor says in writing that he can leave you will take it into consideration. Get a handle on this, don't cave.
No is a complete sentence stick to it.
My dad did, he bought a truck, drove himself right out of his board and care home, 400 miles away from me. Found a small trailer and lived his last years on his terms.
Sometimes we just have to step away and let them succeed or fail without any input from us.
It was hard to watch, I knew the condition he was in when we were called to help and I knew that he would end up right back in that condition but, it was his life and as long as he could do what needed doing, go for it. But! No help, not even finding a geriatric case manager because he should be able to find the help he needs if he is functioning on a full charge, if not, he stays were he is.
Becoming the reasoning adult to your parent is hard and goes against everything that we are taught as children. It is also really hard to be the bad guy but, we have to do what we believe is the best when they can no longer do it.
So, if he can arrange this grand scheme without your input at all, then he gets to move, otherwise, welcome home dad.
I think you should stop seeing and talking to your dad for a few weeks. He has no business buying a house and it's ridiculous for him to have 24/7 care givers.
Assisted living is suitable for someone in his mental state. You really need to start standing up to your dad instead of letting him run the show.
See All Answers