Why does my mother ask me to do everything for her but does not ask my siblings?

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Why does my mother ask me to do everything for her but does not ask my siblings?

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You say the siblings want to be asked....so ask. It appears the sibs go by there for visits and mom just doesn't ask for those tasks to be done. So, talk to the sibs and tell them mom doesn't like NH staff to help with hair, teeth, laundry - ASK them to bring these things up when they visit. Don't ask mom if she wants them done, TELL mom while I'm here let's fix your hair, brush your teeth, etc.

Because you are the POA, that responsibility probably included dealing with NH staff. You are more aware of what is done correctly and what is not. If there is a certain task the siblings can do - then tell them. Make a calendar of who will do the laundry for her and leave it up to them to swap days with each other if they can't do it. You could add hair or other tasks to the calendar. -- Regarding the overmedicating - I would not assign that to the group as a whole. That really needs to be the person who is very, very familiar with meds, her reactions to them, what she can/can't take, how often, etc. You don't need too many spoons stirring that pot.

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Another thought. To get mom ok with sibs helping with tasks (and sibs), when one of them arrives - make your exit. On the way out the door, tell sibling you didn't get to the toothbrushing yet, please do that for mom. You could return before they leave (maybe you left something behind and returned to get it) and ask how the toothbrushing went. If it wasn't done yet, repeat the request and add that you need more people involved in some of these tasks because 'all of us' need to know how to help her. Be very clear that you need their help. Sometimes other people see the caregiver of handling things so well, in charge, in control and they don't like to butt in to what's going on.

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In my case, her favorites always were excused/made excuses for, why their lives were so busy and she couldn’t possibly ask them. :o))) Didn’t matter much how full mine was, because she knew I would always show up & get it done. No regrets, no guilt—I did all I could to make her latter years happy.

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I am in a painfully similar situation myself. I have 2 other siblings that do not help and mom fights with the CNAs and does not want them to care for her. I am visiting 4-5 days a week and she expects me to perform tasks that the staff is responsible for and is dependent on me. It is wearing on me and I do not know what to do. Should I cut back my visits so that she can be more independent? Whenever I try, she just rings my phone off the hook and badmouth me to family? Any advice.

Thanks

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Tiredson,

You know from your last couple sentences what to do.

There is no law, that you have to answer your phone. Caller ID is a wonderful thing. If there is an emergency, the facility will handle it or call you directly.

If she bad mouths you to family, pretend you are a duck and let it run off your back like water. If family complain to you, let them know the facility has people who are being paid to do those chores for Mum.

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It's ok to feel bitter, especially when it's appropriate. Our heads can try to rationalize things but our feelings are our feelings. I've noticed that some of us are predisposed towards watching out for others and their welfare in a caring selfless manner. It's just who we are. The problem is, then it becomes an expectation. It's a bit of a catch 22 of the Golden Rule of do on to others as you would have them do on to you... I treat people kindly, generously and with compassion, the way I'd like to be treated myself, but all I ever produce is spoiled people wanting more. The primary caregiver tends to get over-worked, underappreciated and truly the short end of the stick of this perfectly nasty and miserable passage. Shame on your siblings. If you were nearby, I give you a gentle hug to the heart and some comforting arms. I don't have that either... thank goodness for my sweet cat... and frankly, this forum is really a supportive space. Thank you Aging Care.

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You've been placed in the position of POA but not "only one to care for mom". Remind yourself of this. She has a facility full of staff to help her, let them and remind her that this is their job. You have a family full of siblings, ask them to visit/call/help in ways that ease your burden and provide real help for mom. They are relying on you to be the "director" of care, not necessarily the "provider" of care.

Meanwhile, take time to care for yourself. Being on call 24/7 is tiring. Do what is necessary to create balance and nurture your soul. Praying you find the peace you crave soon.

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Solutions Focused perspective:
Nurses and CNAs are employed to help your mother. If you're concerned about your mom's medications then the M.D. who is designated as in-charge over that facility, must be contacted. Since, the M.D. ultimately handles the dosages, leaving nurses the task of distributing meds...and CNAs perform the other tasks you mentioned. Have you had time to look into DDI (direct drug interactions) and side-effects? For example, Statins are horrifically toxic to livers (hormones, etc) and interfere with anti-coagulants.

Your siblings needing to be asked....equates to your mother telling them that she will ask them when she needs help? Meaning they might have been directed to not interfere.

You must stop following your mother's directives to take-over duties of the nursing home staff, 🧟‍♀️ 🧟‍♂️ You're not employed to take care of your mother's nursing home responsibilities. Remember that, 😇 please. When you take over nursing home duties, it interferes with staff rhythms, etc. From a clinical perspective, it's best that family refrains from employee 😇 tasks that employees are scheduled, or trained to do.👩🏽‍⚕️👩🏽‍⚕️😇

As mentioned, your mother might have told your siblings to not interfere, and that she would ask for them to assist when she thinks she needs help. If you're always present, then your other siblings will never be contacted. 🤬

If your mother continues asking you to physically help, then you might need to perhaps visit later in the day? Every resident has a rhythm if not schedule, days/times for showers, etc... Get to know her scheduled/known routine ......so you can perhaps visit during times she won't ask you to perform nursing home employee stuff.

Hugs 😊😊

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My mother was in a skilled facility for a while and if they are not seriously understaffed ( and I think most of them are understaffed to a point) then the staff should be doing their job. They should be brushing her teeth, etc. That's the whole point of someone being in a center - that the family can get a break from doing all these chores. As far as the medication - there are nursing home ombudsmen. We had to contact one for my aunt, who had some of her furniture taken out of her nursing room without permission. They helped with this, and should be able to help with the medication problem. Let THEM do the fighting. For the laundry, you could put up a schedule on the door as to which family member does the laundry for which week. Tell siblings that 'mother said she would like you to do this.' I am also POA and it's like 'well if you're the big shot parents chose, you can just handle all the work.' This is from insecure people who take everything personally that you were thought to be a little more responsible or trustworthy. ( It really means you are a classy and competent person!)

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The facility should be doing her laundry, they are being for it after all. She also can’t force her siblings to follow the schedule.....

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If the siblings took over some tasks do you think they could do them without your interference and without your input as to whether or not they were well done? I think that if we are in a certain position we have been complicit in most cases in getting into that position. We have taken over and people have let us.
If you would like help the thing to do is to call together the family to meet with you. To tell them that you have honestly bitten off more than you can now comfortably chew. That you will need to divide up visiting time, "honey-do" lists, and etc. Ask for volunteers. Have GOOD IDEAS and a list with you for things you need help with. Be specific. Such as I need someone to visit on Monday, someone on Wednesday, someone on Friday. I need someone to get this or that for Mom.
Ask for help. If you have asked 8 brothers and sisters, and every one of the 8 has told you that they cannot help, then you will have to let Mom be cared for more by the people who are being paid to care for her. DOING THINGS as you have been habitually doing them is knowing that something is not working and chosing to do it anyway. It is passive aggressive to not take things into your own hands, call a meeting, and etc. but still to do it, be overwhelmed, and then angry.
They want to be asked? So, then, ASK them. And I sure wouldn't want to hear any of that guilt nonsense about asking for help. Most of the boxes we fit ourselves into we chose for ourselves, knowing the fit was going to be bad from the beginning, but choosing not to assert ourselves. You have a right to help. You may be the most responsible; that may be why you were designated. But you didn't sign up for door mat. Did you?

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So sorry you are learning what most of us on this site have had to deal with. I was always my Mother's "go to" person because when she would ask my brother's for anything, it fell on deaf ears.

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So sorry for your situation and prayers to you and your mom. Sometimes being the "one" stems from ourselves and our own personality. We tend to be control oriented. And no it's not always a "bad" thing. It does set up us as the go to person. I see this with my own family. I would not be able to function if I didn't know, see or hear with my own eyes and ears how my mom is feeling or being taken care of. Out of respect, fear or complacency others will develop a hands off approach. Afterall we have it taken care of. Also, being experienced in the care of elders, I was a long time home health/medication aide, my mom relies on me the most. Having a brother, who lived 800 or so miles away, meant the day to day caring for two parents, who no longer could drive was my sole responsibility. After two yrs I was totally wiped out. After what seemed like forever, both mom & her husband moved from their home into an independent living complex 10 min from my home. The moving process encompassed all the negative emotions one can imagine. Plus my brother & his wife moved to about an hour away adding their "opinion" on what I should be doing and helping in ways that made the whole process twice as difficult. I finally put my foot down and the move was accomplished. Unfortunately, my beloved step-father passed away after 2mos. During that short period he began to thrive again. Getting out, meeting new people and experiencing freedom again. After his death worry about mom increased. I was afraid of her becoming overly needy. Which did begin. I could not go through it again. I had to let her learn to live again. I had to decide when and where to draw the boundary lines. And stick to it. She handles her own grocery shopping, meals, activities and has a full social life. If I had allowed her fears to overwhelm her it wouldn't have been healthy for either of us. I still do all the doctor appts. My choice. My brother, now 2hrs away, comes every month and helps in many ways that I cannot. It helps them maintain their own bonds. When we allow ourselves to become the main caregiver we lose the relationship we have as parent/child. Sometimes they are the child and we have to be the parent! No is no! Set boundaries and discuss them as necessary. Mom's health is currently at a level plateau so all is peaceful. Not if but when the time comes I will ask and utilize all the help I can get. I love my mom enough to know that I can't do it all. Nor should I try. Best wishes.

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It usually does fall on one adult kid, but the SNF should be handling these thngs.

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So true. I am the one child. Just how it goes. Occasionally, siblings share but that is unusual!

If the ‘one child’ refuses then of course they are criticized by the ones who do nothing. Go figure!

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My dad does the same thing. I call my brothers when it doesn't work for me and one of them follows through,usually. I have also relied on nieces, occasionally. As far as your mother being in a nursing home, she should be cared for. I understand my mother having been in 2 you need to be on top of the things. Although one NH was very good, there were things that were not done the way she nor I liked. This was guilt producing to some extent. Just having strangers care for your loved one is guilt and stress producing. There seems to me that you have a number of options. The first thing is to try to step back and see how your feelings may to influencing the situation: hopelessness of getting help from sibling, self-righteousness that you are giving more care. anger of not getting help from sibling, fear that something bad will happen . All these things we may not even realize we are feeling but are expressing to our siblings. Find someone who can help you find where is your role in your mother's life, some space where you can feel you are doing what you can and don't have to totally resolve everything about the unsatisfactory situation.

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As with all kinds of relationships between people in daily life, there are some that the person just feels more "comfortable with" and therefore will direct help needs or whatever to that person. This can be a blessing and a curse depending on the situation. First of all, I would tell our mother you simply are physically unable to do these things but you will get help from the staff for her - and then do it. Keep saying, no, no, no and getting help. Just be polite but very firm and do NOT give in. As to the siblings, this happens all too often. What is wrong with them that they have to be asked. They should do so willingly. You can ask them on her behalf but don't expect things to help - people are very selfish and mean when it comes to helping others especially if one person is foolish enough to have done things for so long. But do not give in - get the staff to help. If she keeps up pestering you, excuse yourself and leave immediately. YOU CANNOT ALLOW HER BEHAVIOR AND NEEDS TO DESTROY Y O U - YOU MUST PUT A STOP TO THAT AT ONCE.

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Your mom ask you because your the one she trust of all her children. She knew she could count on you. Mama Hen knows her chicks!
i understand how you feel I’m the only one that takes care of my father. None of the 3 sisters help and one is a retired Nurse!
Couple of my friends have same problem and survived. You make it through too

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Thank you for your encouragement! :)

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She asks because she knows you will say yes. She is in a NH...you shouldn't be doing any of these things. That is their job. You should just be there visiting and being her daughter not her caregiver. For your own safety please stop.

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Well, probably because you will do what she wants and they will not, or they feel free to decide not to. Please, please step back. Protect your own health. You cannot control others, but you can control your behavior.

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Why does my mother ask me to do everything for her but does not ask my siblings?

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