Not sure how to shorten this but I'll try....my younger sister lives near my mom and has been the one to help her with everything from groceries to doctor's appts., house issues, etc. Mom is of sound mind and body and aside from not driving for the most part manages. However, she has become more feeble in the last few years and has challenges with dizzy spells and a few other issues.
My older brother and I are on the opposite side of the country. We each want to help from afar and have our strengths in different areas. However, my sister (who is caring for mom in person) has not spoken withe me in a year and my brother in 3 years. I recently went out to visit my mom for a few weeks. Not only would my sister not even come to the house because I was there, but when I reached out in email before the visit to say I hoped we could talk so she could fill me in on any details I should know to best help mom =during my visit, I got a very passive/aggressive response and clearly no desire on her part to talk.
My mom is backed into a corner with all of this because she now depends on my sister for everything and is afraid to ruffle her feathers because my sister won't speak with her for several days or more, which has happened in the past. This stresses my mom out beyond belief and especially now that she depends on her for everything. Unfortunately because this dynamic is so ingrained for so long, my mom defends my sister's unacceptable behavior, which in turn is alienating myself and my brother from my mom. The whole situation is becoming increasingly more problematic.
My sister would never agree to do any type of mediation or a family meeting, or anything along those lines because she has her heels dug so firmly in the ground and flat out refuses. So again, my mom is stuck with this situation and my brother and my hands are tied.
I wondered if anyone has had a similar situation and if you managed to somehow resolve it how did you go about it. All my brother and I want is for there to be harmony and for us to be able to help my mom also. There are many things we can both do from afar, and I was doing a fair amount until my sister stopped speaking with me because she would ask me to order things, make calls, etc. But now there is zero communication.
Last, but definitely not least, my mom's short-term memory has declined significantly. So, for example, by the time she told me about her dizzy spells they had been happening for 3-4 months. She has had 2 occassions where she's fainted and ended up in the hospital for several days, so this is something that could be a critical issue. No communication from my sister about this or any other health issues with my mom. Zero. So therefore my brother and I both have to rely on my mom a the sole information source when she struggles a lot with short term memory and recalling who she told what to when. This is an unecessary burden and stress to my mom that could be avoided if my sister would communicate with at least one of us regarding my mom's health issues, meds, doctors, etc. Would love to know if anyone has suggestions on how to resolve this mess. Thanks!
I am the one in town who has POA for my mom. My sisters who are outta town, come into town and bark orders at me. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough and I’m not doing a good job taking care of mom. They don’t understand Dementia or group home living. They want mom bathed everyday, they want mom in pretty clothes and shoes, they want to take mom out with no regard to what time the home wants mom back to get her ready for bed, etc, etc. I know it’s my fault that I allow them to bully me about moms care, but I really am doing the best I can.
If your sister accepts texts, can you tell her you are coming out to see what you can help her with. Tell her you’d like to know what’s the best way you can help her? Tell her you appreciate the care she has provided. When I thank my sisters for help, they always point out that “they are doing it for mom, not me” without even acknowledging that I do do it. I’ve given up and stopped engaging for my own mental health.
I hate that families ugly heads rear up during a time when everyone should pull together.
tell her you would love to be able to talk about what’s best for your mom at the end of her life, but be ready that she may not agree with you. Have an open heart and mind. Try to avoid a power play, I know I am living it.
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Sister may be overwhelmed? But unless she tells you - how would you know?
Mom may be struggling? But again, unless she says so...
It is very hard to help people who won't accept help.
I've had siblings say, I don't see how you do this....After we get past the holidays I'm going to start giving you a regular break so you can go home...on and on. The holidays came and went. Then there are the comments that 'she's always been mom's favorite' - 'we all have a different relationship with mom'. Those remarks are intended to justify not showing up. Correct, my relationship was one of not arguing every single little detail about trivial things with her AND them.
Suggestions for X are usually to say something to A and B along the lines that what would help would be more appreciation for X, not just for mother. A night out at a posh restaurant (if possible) or a slap-up delivered meal delivered for both of them, a gift token for X, a listening ear that doesn’t immediately become ‘advice’. If you wanted to ask a follow-up question about what you could do to help X, you might get more suggestions – I’m dredging my memory here.
Perhaps you could think back to 3 years ago when this problem started. Do you know why? If you don’t, is it possible that it was along the lines in the first paragraph? Of course you are concerned for your mother, but you should also be concerned and grateful to the sister who is doing the heavy lifting. Like Mipollito said “they are doing it for mom, not me” just ignores what is really keeping the ship afloat.
And Rovana is quite right in saying that your mother actually seems quite capable up to now, and should be making decisions for herself. But she needs to know that the present situation isn’t all that good, and is probably going to get worse. If her ‘solution’ is your sister, she should be thinking again.
Why did sis quit talking to you/brother? Is it possible that she was doing all the labor w/little help from the two of you? Maybe she didn't come right out and ask for you two to come more often, rather she waited on you to do it. (Very common for the 24-7 caregiver to wait instead of ask directly). Is it possible you just didn't 'see' her and she finally decided no conversation was better than what she was hearing. Perhaps you discussed a family vacation or your usual routine of going here/there while she was tied to chores? I get very little help, but have been determined to not let anger destroy the strong sibling bond my family has always had, yet, when they do call or come by and the discussion goes to a vacation, staying a couple weeks at the country home, the fun things - I can go from zero to rage in my brain. I rank it right up there with someone borrowing money, can't pay you back, but they find the funds to blow on some unnecessary thing/vacation/etc.
If you and brother can manage 3-4 weeks stretch at a time to stay with mom on a regular basis - something sis can plan around, knows for sure - perhaps sis will soften a little. Better yet, send sis a message and tell her you are sure she needs a break (don't say you understand, because you can't really understand) and if there is particular time she would like to have the break - tell you. And then BE SURE to honor the exact date(s) - no excuses. If you find out she wants to take a trip/cruise/vacation, then gift her the amount you think it will cost. Don't ask the price, let it be a surprise to receive what you send.
I hope you all find a way to open the door to communication again.
Mom lives with YB, She 'obeys' him, faithfully and is somewhat fearful of ruffling his feathers. She'll complain endlessly of the neglect from her DIL--but in fairness, DIL has had Mother living there for almost 25 years and THAT was not 'part of the plan'. DIL has raised 5 kids in that time...and this is NOT her mother. Mother has enjoyed poor health all her life and we NEVER thought she'd live to 91 with the likelyhood she'll live another 5-10 years.
The rest of us sibs are all local--and believe me, we TRY to help out, but YB gets actually so frantically angry it's scary. He took on mom (and dad's) care 25 years ago against the 'family vote'--and I think he has grown to regret it. Now he's just furious all the time.
SOMETHING is buried deep in him, anger, frustration, IDK what. I can say one word amiss to him and he is screaming at me.
I would just GUESS that your sister has some deep seated anger in her--that maybe a cruise or trip could help--but until you KNOW what's causing the behavior, a trip or money, or respite will not help.
My YB, YS and I were all severely abused by my OB who has passed away. YS says she's 'over it' and maybe she is. YB and I still struggle from time to time, esp when something triggers us. Mother was aware of the abuse and didn't just allow it, she hid it and blamed us all for it. There will never be 'closure' on that. I think that YB is 'abusing' mom to get back at her. It's not rocket science, but he defiinitely doesn't show her love and compassion. He lets her sit and wait on him and will not allow others to do anything for her. He's actually changed the locks on the doors to his home and doesn't give mother a key. None of the rest of us have keys.
As much as I want to 'help'...I am not allowed to do anything but drive mother to Bingo once a week. And I had to work hard to get YB to allow that.
Mom has begged each of us other sibs to let her move in with us. No possible way. She made her decision 25 years ago against the majority 'rule'. I feel for her, as I feel for you and your mom--but until you get to the bottom of the anger that's driving this---nothing you do will be 'right'.
Your mom is 90 and moved in with your brother when she was in her 60's? She wanted to live with your brother then.
Your brother has very likely grown to "regret it" if the guy's been doing for 25 years and he probably does have his fair share of resentment about the situation as well. Maybe even more.
I want you to know that not catering to an elderly person, not tolerating their often abusive behavior, and not allowing them to run your house, your family, and your life their way, isn't elder abuse.
Elderly people complaining incessantly about the people meeting their needs to anyone who will listen and accusing them of neglect and abuse happens all the time. More often than not the claims are totally false. Many will consider simply not getting their own way over something abuse and neglect.
I was a caregiver to a client who went so far as to call APS herself and tell them her son and caregiver (me) were depriving her of food and starving her. When they investigated, they found out that the "depriving" and "starving" was because she wasn't allowed to have an ice cream sundae every night after dinner because she had diabetes.
Don't worry yourself about your mother's living situation with your brother. If it was as terrible as she may complain it is, she wouldn't have remained there for 25 years.
I feel for each of you - and I find it unconscionable that your sister wouldn't let you know that mom was in hospital - at least an email.
I'm local with mom and my brother lives a couple of states away. My father died 2 years ago today. Luckily, my parents originally moved to IL and then due to dad's increasing medical decline moved on to AL - so I wasn't the FT caregiver - though I was pretty hands on and tried to get over to them about once/wk. But I kept busy with setting up and going to medical appts which for dad was several times/month.
Because of the family dynamics our family was fairly dysfunctional and my brother and I don't get along as well as we should and added to that mental illness. I won't go into all the details - but I HAVE always let him know if something was going on with mom and dad. Actually I'm fine without his assistance - because his assistance is trying to take over and tell me how to do it - no thank you, I'm doing fine - not perfect but fine with mom's best interest at heart. I have worked hard to overcome my past hurts and forgiving those who hurt me - whether on purpose or my perception. I've apologized to my brother for hurting him either purposefully and her perceived hurts. What I refuse to do is to continuously do is rehash the past hurts - all it does is to revisit the hurts I've put behind me.
Family can be very messy.
My question would be what did Sister do for herself while Lynn was there. Did she go on a vacation. Do some day trips.
"I was doing a fair amount until my sister stopped speaking with me because she would ask me to order things, make calls, etc. But now there is zero communication."
What changed that Sis stopped talking. Really, what can 2 people do who are on the opposite side of the Country. The sister will not communicate. Doesn't seem to me that Lynn and her brother aren't aware she is doing all the work. Aware that Mom has declined in the last few years. But if the sister does not tell them how she feels and what is wrong no one can solve the problem. And I know people like sister who just sit and simmer and won't say what is wrong.
I would write a letter saying that you have no idea why she has cut you off. Without knowing what you have done you cannot apologize or solve the problem. You realize that Mom is declining and needing more care but you need to know from Sis what is it that SHE needs. Is it time to place Mom in an AL? (If Mom has money) Maybe hire Caregivers to take some responsibility off Sis? Until she tells you what she wants or needs you can't help.
Some people have unrealistic outlooks. Expecting from people things that are impossible to do. Like you living across the country. Does she expect you to move to where Mom is? This is unrealistic because you probably have a life there and obligations. Yes, its a b***h to be the only one living near by with siblings living across country. Seems to me u and brother are trying to help but sister may think you psychic and know what she needs. She needs to open up and you and brother need to listen. Don't say "no that won't work" find a way to "make it work".
How well did you and your younger sister get on before the caregiving phase really got going?
Like, say, shopping, and making phone calls. And what's your brother's specialty, I have to wonder? - it wouldn't by any chance be delegation, would it?
You must have some idea of what straw broke your-sister-the-camel's back, first with your brother, and then with you. I agree that she is not approaching this constructively. I agree that it is extremely difficult to find positive solutions with someone who is holding tight both to a grudge and to martyrdom. The reason I ask how you got on with her before is that unless your relationship has previously been supportive and congenial to both of you I don't see much hope of there being a good way forward now.
Look. You and Bro are an impractical distance away, and that's fine, but over those last few years have the distress signals not been reaching you at all? You say you were doing "a fair amount." Fair is probably not your happiest choice of adjective. There's your problem.
Acknowledging and appreciating what she has done (instead of criticizing, when you aren’t even physically present) is a necessary first step.
If your mom is defending your sister, as you wrote— your mom must feel that your sister is being wrongfully accused of something.
Before you can get any constructive comments, you need to tell us why your sister won't speak to you or to your brother. What part have YOU played in her making that decision, if any, or is that she's just a meanie?
We have no idea how this mess you're trying to resolve came about, so please provide a bit of background. That is an important piece of the puzzle that's missing!
You took the words right out of my mouth.
The sister is doing all the work and is probably more than a little resentful that her brother and sister do nothing.
One-hundred percent of it falls to your sister, so it could be that she's more than a little resentful of the two of you and rightly so.
Unless you yourself or your brother are willing to uproot your lives and relocate closer to mom to take care of her, don't push your sister too far. She has enough to contend with being the only caregiver without the added burden of having to provide you and your brother with detailed reports on mom's health conditions and needs.
In reality, there's no such thing as 'caring from afar'. There really isn't. The only actions that can be counted as 'caring from afar' is if you or your brother are sending goodly sums of money to your sister every month. Or making sure one of you assumes the care responsibilities for mom for certain guaranteed amounts of time. Whether that means coming yourselves to care for mom for weeks at a time, bringing her out to where you live, or arranging and making respite care happen.
I'm guessing neither of you are doing that.
Your sister is the designated caregiver. She has taken the responsibility and burden of caregiving off of you and your brother.
You should be grateful, not complaining.
Instead of criticizing her, ask her what exactly she needs. Listen to her. She knows far more about the situation than you do. Your sister is a caregiver to your mother. Show appreciation to her for for the hard work that she does on a daily basis.
Please don’t treat her like an employee, that has to report all incidents to you. Show genuine concern for her well being, not just your mother. Caregivers are often overlooked and feel abandoned. Your sister is a member of your family. She deserves respect and admiration for what she does.
I know how this feels. I was the ‘caregiver’ sister while my siblings criticized me. When I burned out after 15 straight years of caregiving in my home, my brother stepped in for the last 15 months of mom’s life. The very last month of her life she went to a hospice house and died with end stage Parkinson’s disease. My brother apologized to me and said that he had absolutely no idea how hard it was until he had our mom in his house for 14 months.
I broke down and cried when my brother apologized to me. I accepted his apology and finally felt validated and valued for my total devotion to my mom for all of those years. It’s the toughest job that I have ever had. It is mentally and physically exhausting. You have no idea, unless you have walked in our shoes. Caregiving is a huge sacrifice and responsibility.
I urge you to recognize what I am saying to you. I certainly hope that this situation can be resolved for all of you. I wish you and your family peace, joy and forgiveness in your hearts.
My older out of town sister did that....only dial endlessly and she sees that as her contribution. Since I limited her calls and no longer engage with her, the stress is decreased.
It is too late to heal anything as your younger sis wised up and saw you as not worthwhile to keep a relationship going.
Consider:
- Mom is between a rock and a hard place. Ergo, you are a rock or hard place and both are impenetrable.
- Mom is of sound mind. Therefore her wants and opinions are sound but you say she’s just siding with your sister (because you’re right and they’re both wrong??)
- You and your brother double team your sister and think she’s the one who’s unreasonable.
- You and your brother have different strengths and you want to help from afar. Meaning your sister isn’t as competent? Meaning you’ll tell her what to do so she can carry out your orders?
- You want to mediate and negotiate, which sounds like grievances that you’re not getting what you want and plans to argue - or explain why you’re right and sis is wrong until there’s a stalemate of hostility.
- You call your sister passive-aggressive but fail to see 1) your tone is aggressive 2) she might be trying to accommodate demanding siblings when she has the energy to give a d***.
- You aren’t in the trenches. A visit might be revealing but unless you’re willing to take on the full responsibility, you’re all talk no action.
- You show no compassion for her becoming your mom’s Gal Friday and no thought to how she’s managing her emotions, personal life, job or finances, etc.
I’ve been around energy vampires who create tension and exhaustion, who criticize and complain, who waste my time & energy when I give them the benefit of the doubt, who digress into past history or stories that don’t add value, and assume to be experts when they aren’t even actively involved. No wonder your sister isn’t communicating. Why would she want the grief?
What you’ve been doing hasn’t gotten you the results you want; it’s only estranged you. You likely know the definition of insanity (do the same thing over and over and expect different results), so Stop.
Change your attitude and the conversation:
I posted this comment and found out I was in the wrong. I apologize.
Mom, are you happy?
Sis, what can I do for you or mom?
I need to understand and will shut up, listen and not pass judgement.
I’m used to being in control but I have to let you be the team lead and that’s hard, but I’ll try.
And if you don’t want to change, accept what is: Your mom and sister are doing their best. You aren’t in the game and no team needs an armchair quarterback.
I wish for you grace as you look in the mirror.
Love your posting. The OP needs to sweep her own porch, before telling her sister to sweep hers.
Hopefully, the OP will be humble enough to look in the mirror like you suggested, and see how she comes off, intentionally or not, as a judgmental sibling who has no clue what it is like to be a full time caregiver.
I believe that the OP may have genuine concerns. There is a proper way to show concern for a parent. She isn’t expressing herself as well as she could. Maybe they have always had a rocky relationship.
So many issues are able to be avoided or resolved but it takes a willingness to learn about the circumstances without being condescending or judgmental. Other times, it’s a sad, ongoing uphill battle.
I hope that this family can work things out peacefully. Sometimes though, it takes an argument that hits a head to resolve the issues. Sadly, sometimes it is never resolved. I wish them well, for everyone’s sake.
It’s true that everyone has their own families and experiences. I don’t think anyone would deny that. I don’t believe anyone was ‘jumping’ on the OP to be cruel. Some of us have had crappy siblings that pretend to be wonderful people. Plus your sister hasn’t been a long time caregiver to your mom. It’s an entirely different situation.
I believe in working things out when possible. For some people though, it’s hopeless. It’s a shame when parents are caught in the middle of sibling issues. I was fortunate that even though our family had sibling issues, that we were able to work things out. All siblings have issues from time to time, just like all parents and children do.
I hope things work out in your family. You truly sound like you have a loving heart.
Be the 1st to apologize.
It sounds as though you didn't appreciate her asking you to do these things and then she quit talking to you. Is that correct or ?
If you are taking your moms word about what your sister is doing or not doing, please rethink this. You know that your mom is having serious short term memory problems and that means that you can NOT believe what she tells you. As hard as that is, it is the reality you are dealing with.
I know that you have been lambasted by many here, it is challenging because many of us are in your sister's shoes and have siblings that never step up to really help or never consider the sacrifices made by the boots on the ground caregiver. Maybe your sister goes offline with mom because mom is to needy and that is the only way she gets a break. Remember that she does what she does for your mom because she is there and I promise you that she would appreciate acknowledgement from you and brother for everything that she has done for years. I would send her the best sister and daughter award with a huge vacation fund and the promise that we, myself and brother will be coming for a month each to give her a break and work with her to find out what is the best solution for her in regards to moms future care. She doesn't deserve to be the target because mom can't effectively communicate with you or her son. It is not your sister's responsibility to shoulder the care by herself, it has to work for her or it isn't working, regardless of what mom wants.
I hope that you and your brother can show her, in a tangible way, how very much you appreciate her and her caring for y'alls mom. I also hope that you guys can own your mistakes and show her tremendous grace by apologizing for not appreciating her sooner.
What caused the riff in the sibling circle?
Does that sister sponge off of your mom or is she just a flawed human being who truly looks out for your mom’s best interests?
When she disconnects from your mom for several days does she make sure your mom has everything she needs or does she leave her in a predicament?
Find a counselor who can help you open up and talk about the root of these problems with your sister.
Go out and stay with your mom a while without trying to reach out to your sister at the same time.
In the evening, during my dad’s hardest time (sundowners) I would get pictures from my sisters showing them eating popcorn with mom and watching a good movie with her. Me? I was answering the questions in dad’s loop for the 25th time in an hour, no exaggeration. I found myself becoming resentful of my sisters, angry that they thought I’d enjoy hearing about and seeing their mother/daughter parties. I did not enjoy it. What was worse was when I let them know what I was dealing with and they came up with ideas like, “Just tell him you already answered that question and you aren’t going to answer it again.”
Really?! LoL
Now I have to say that I was the one having this problem, I adore my sisters and they truly didn’t get it at the time. Later on when mom was back home with dad and our lives returned to normal, I told them how I felt and they understood. Your sister is in the thick of it and whatever you and your brother believe, Ivan tell you that from a long distance, it’s unlikely that you can be helpful. The best thing I’m to do if you are given the chance is to shower her with appreciation and gratitude. Don’t fire off questions or try and tell her how to handle it. Offer tangibles like, “I’d be glad to look for someone to help that will take some of this burden off of you so you can relax a little.”
and apologize if you have taken her for granted. That was the best thing my sisters did, they apologized for not thinking about how it was for dad and me.