My Father in law was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about a year ago and he is beginning to show obvious signs of decline. My mother in law is doing a great job taking care of him and keeping up the house, even driving the two of them around to run errands and keep appointments, but she reports that she now has to give him very detailed directions to complete even the simplest tasks. She simply can’t keep this up. She’s exhausted and emotional. My husband helps them out fairly often but I fear it’s not enough. He himself is under a lot of stress between work, our family, and 2 elder households to be concerned about. There is very little communication happening among the family members (on both sides) and my husband doesn’t even like to discuss these things with me. No one seems to have a plan. I’m caring for my own family (I have two kids still at home) and spending a lot of time helping my elderly mother who moved across the country to be with me so I feel I shouldn’t have to take care of my in-laws as well. How do I get the family to get together to make a plan? I suggested a meeting with all three siblings when everyone was together last year but it just never came together. I might add that there is little money left so a nice assisted care facility is out of the question. Has anyone here experienced this type of situation? If so what do you suggest?
Encourage your husband to meet with his siblings to discuss their parents. Even communicating by email would be better than nothing. Sometimes, in families who don't really seem to know what to do, a decision gets made for them when there's a crisis. Also, many families who are stuck and don't know what to do intentionally wait for a crisis to see which way the wind will blow. A crisis could be an illness or a fall, anything that brings the person to the ER where there is help.
So doing nothing is an option. Waiting to see what will happen.
Anything you do will have to go through your husband. Unfortunately, he “outranks” you in his family. Start the discussion with him first.
I agree with Eyerishlass. You can encourage them to plan. Keep your boundaries where you want them, though. I found my "help" as an in-law was really not appreciated. It's hard to watch people you care about struggle. But you can only do what you can do. You have your own mom and your children. You can't be the point person for this situation too.
A caution for you: When you express concern about MIL and FIL, make sure your speech is peppered with “you, they, them.” Make a deliberate effort to NOT say “I” or “we.”
I know you care about MIL and FIL, and you hate to see them struggle like this. But you are not in a position to take this on. Keep your boundaries firm.
Can you read between the lines with your husband? Many a “good son” earns such status by burdening his wife with the nitty-gritty caregiving of his parents. It starts with an errand here and a bandage change there....then it mushrooms.
Q: Is there a chance it will go that way for you?
A: Yes. “Mission creep” is real. And only you can stop it.
Even if you do not get these vibes from your husband now, be pro-active. Remember - “you, they, them.”
Make a few common sense suggestions That Do Not Involve You Or Your House, then get back to your originally scheduled programming.
I know I’m making a lot of assumptions here. But it’s very common for an adult son to “deal with” his aging parents by using his wife as his human shield and his sin-eater.
I get the impression you don’t want this fate for yourself. And that’s OK. (((big hugs)))
burn out. This is a really tough journey to find one Self on where the Primary Carer can become consumed by the tasks
that lay ahead therefore the entire Family needs to come together to form a rota of Caregiving so I'd suggest you call
a meeting of the entire Family to get all hands on deck.
Deal with the meeting as one would deal with a presentation at work.
Make sure you write down your concerns, fears, needs, and ask if anyone in the room has any input or whatever you need to say or ask.
Also - this family is not suffering the ill effects a toxic gambler or a heroin addict in their midst. An intervention might be too extreme for the problem at hand.
What we have here are 3 adults (hubby + sibs) who cannot come to grips with the fact that Mom & Dad aren’t what they used to be - and will only get worse. It’s as common as the sun rising and setting.
As for Mom (Yippy’s MIL), does she honestly want help? Or is she the type who makes noise, but refuses to let go of her identity as The #1 Caregiver? If she is open to help, will she accept help in-home help from non-family? What’s her take on the reality that maybe (now or later) the best solution is for her husband to be in facility care? Is she a woman who went directly from parents to marriage and is freaked out at the prospect of living alone?
I get where you are coming from, Jenny. I really do. And oftentimes, what looks like adult siblings playing “kick the can” is really a competent elder (or two) being stubborn beyond belief.
The foundation of this pyramid is to find out where Yippy’s MIL’s head is. Is she open to help in whatever form it takes? Is she open to help outside of her comfort zone? Is she so invested in magical thinking that she will persist in acting against her own best interests?
Yippy, can your husband get these answers from his mom in a conversational manner? If so, he would then be prepped to have a no-bullsh*t convo with his sibs - spreadsheet, camcorder, talking points and all.
Your husband has responsibilities to the family he chose to make, which was something that also weighed on my husband's mind. Even though his kids were grown, he wanted to spend time with them, too. I really made a point to not be demanding of his time for my needs or anything I could handle myself, but I never mentioned that to him.
I researched options for his dad's care, sometimes printing out articles to give the family. I called home care agencies and arranged for prospective visits, but Mom declined. Since Mom and brother didn't want to use hired help, I pointed out to my husband that the help he was wearing himself out to provide could be obtained elsewhere, and that was his mom's and brother's problem if they didn't want it.
All this helped very little. They were all exhausted and not inclined or able to be reasonable, perhaps as a result of exhaustion, or from whatever sense of duty and responsibility was making them crazy. But, my husband did take some time off for himself without as much guilt about it.
The solution, of sorts, came when Mom needed surgery. So Dad had to go to a facility "for respite," which became a permanent placement. I jumped on board at that time to promote the long-term stay, help with Medicaid application, etc.
So, as others often say, sometimes it takes a crisis. My mantra is to be prepared.
My advice to you--suggest that Mom hires help or starts looking at outside placement. Don't take on responsibilities for them that YOU don't WANT to do, especially since you have your own parent to look after. Don't nag him, but show him the options that are available. If your husband starts moving in a direction that looks good to you, be very supportive, even helping if you can by doing research, etc.
You might try a group email or a Christmas letter to his siblings where you mention that Mom needs a lot more help; but be prepared to be disappointed. Then you can be pleasantly surprised if any good comes of it.
And, by the way, what are the "two elder households" your husband is concerned about? If he's doing stuff for your mom, you need to get that taken care of elsewhere unless you want to take on equivalent care for his parents.
I wish I could tell you where the magic wand is available to fix this, but this is all I've got.
I have thought about just hiring an elder care consultant but again, it might be over-stepping my boundaries and we would likely be stuck paying the bill.
Aginglifecare.org is an association of people who are skilled in counseling people about these issues. I interviewed three and chose the one I thought would have a good personality fit with our elder. She charges by the hour (and will charge partial hours, like a lawyer). If you met with one of these professionals for a couple of hours, you would likely get a good idea of the services available to you in your community. Our Specialist is very careful not to give any financial advice but she did recommend three elder care lawyers that gave free consultations and only charged for services if you chose to use them.
We hired her. We did pay the bill. She had a ton of information for us and would have been very useful to us if the elder would have cooperated. At the end of the day, though, this is going to be your husband's family's bus to drive. But if it makes you feel better, you might want to offer to pay a couple of hundred dollars for your in laws to have a conversation with an Aging Life Specialist.
I would seek out a professional care manager in your area. The area aging agency is a government subsidized program that can help as well.
And, how would the group help with decisions if no one has legal authority? Has someone been appointed Durable POA or healthcare POA? Are they still able to do it? I might see if they can do that so someone could step in, do the research, make the decisions and keep the others posted.
One place to start would be your local Area Agency on Aging. They will, at no cost, provide you with info on services that are available, local home care agencies, day care for elders, meals-on-wheels, transportation assistance, probably Medicaid info for financial assistance, etc. They might even have some volunteers that could reach out to your in-laws, if your MIL would be receptive to them. (Mine was not, expecting that she and her 2 sons could continue to do everything.)
Your County will have a Veterans' Assistance Officer who would provide free help in obtaining those benefits.
As far as the family's denial, yep, "Everything's been fine so far, so why worry? We'll handle that if it happens." Like you, I'm one to try to have plans in place to avoid crises, because I'm the one who has to handle the crisis while they all muddle on and cry that they don't know what else to do. Especially when we notice that the light at the end of the tunnel is an on-coming train, right?
I just had to get the info ready and develop the mindset to say, "Here's where to get help for that; you want me to call them and set up an appointment?" I refused to get sucked into the daily minutiae and drama.
It sounds like your biggest concern is for your MIL to have some relief. She has to be willing to accept help. If your husband is observing that she's not receptive, that's different than him ignoring her needs. If she's receptive, and he's ignoring that, put her in touch with the local Area Agency on Aging. If you can't find out where that is, start by calling the County Welfare Department, Family Services, or whatever it's called in your county.
Good luck, dear. And, imo, it would not likely be a good idea to move your mom in with you. The Agency on Aging may be helpful for her situation, too.
I've said the foregoing because I believe the two siblings should make a point of visiting their parents so they can see the CURRENT situation. When parents (and others) reach a certain age and changes start taking place, the "visit last year" might as well be ancient history.
That there are so many posters saying it's not your family, responsibility or burden is really sad. When we marry, our family becomes theirs and Visa versa. If that isn't the case then you can not ask him to make sacrifices for your family. It inappropriate to say the least.
If mom is okay taking care of her husband and her kids are willing to pitch in to help her do that, it is their choice to make. You posted nothing that makes me think it is time for a facility. It is time to give mil love and support, maybe bring a casserole over once a week to help out. It doesn't have to be huge time consuming help, little acts of kindness go a long way to reviving our spirit and not having to cook and clean up for a couple of meals is a great help.