Am I a bad person for wanting my elderly parent to move out of our house?

you have children and that comes first. Don't sacrifice your time and energy
at the expense of them.
if they won't help then they are taking advantage of you sadly.
Set out a discussion of your burdens when they do not help you yet require your help. Give them a month to improve-keep a chart to check off when they help and when you do for them. If you have more checks for helping them then they do helping you, then the deal is they move. Begin now to look at places and have that option ready.
Seriously move some of their things into the garage so they see you are serious, and the ball is in their court to help you.

I went through this last year for 3 months, my mother was living with us in the core of Covid and she expected everything to be catered to her. I would tell her to wash her hands after the doctors office and she would make comments about how there’s so many rules. Everything was either criticized or she would just sit there with headphones watching foreign soap operas. I made strict rules on how the money would be handled if she continued living in our house. She left my house a few days later, now my sister can be the caregiver. Your house, your rules, it’s not fair to your family.

You're by no means a bad person. A caretaker can only do so much before your health starts getting affected. It doesn't take long for caregiver
burnout to set in. Get your parent into a facility, and don't feel guilty about what's in the best interest of the both of you, (speaking from experience).

Elderly parent needs more care than you are willing and able to give. It seems like you were looking for parent to help you with house & children…& elderly parent not capable of doing that…parent needs help.

Find parent a nice assisted living facility..not independent living. I don’t think he or she is ready for nursing home or memory care? Does elderly parent having trouble walking or remembering? Any incontinence? Falling a lot? Start touring places & getting pricing. Hugs 🤗

Excuse me, but I've never read such a negative/shaming sort of thread here; and it seems some replies have not read the OP's posting carefully. She did not move both parents in, just one, her mother apparently. And apparently the parent's partner is no longer in the picture, either deceased or divorced, etc., so she is single. This arrangement was Tried but has been found to not be working, so a New Plan must me enacted sooner than later. I completely agree that a full workup needs to be done so this parent gets the precise care appropriate at this stage, with an idea for what's ahead. OP may have had an unrealistic idea of what the parent was capable of as a housemate but now there is more lived experience and a change is needed. No harm, no foul, unless the situation is left to fester. The sooner the better parent is properly evaluated, and concrete sensible plans laid, the better for all concerned.

No, your not a bad person. I went through something similar with my mother n law. My husband and I had to take her in because she could no longer take care of herself. For an entire year she made our lives so very stressful. We then decided it was my brother n laws turn to care for her because we could no longer do it anymore, My mother n law is very mean and ungrateful and none of her 6 kids besides my husband wants nothing to do with her. After my brother n law took her in reluctantly, she lasted about 6 months with him now she’s back with us. It’s been hard and many of times I have wanted her gone. Her health is declining and I’m having to do more to care for her while my husbands at work. But, when he’s off he takes over. It’s not easy taking care f an elderly parent, but taking care of an elderly parent who is very mean and has ran everyone out her life because of her evil ways is even harder. If your parents are capable of helping and refuse to, maybe the best thing for everyone is for them to get their own place. Peace&Blessings…

Curious, what age is your elderly parent? And what is his/her mobility status and health? Is she an "elderly" 65, or an "elderly" 95? What ages are your kids? Are they little.... are they teenagers, or somewhere in between?

"We moved my elderly parent in with us.... wouldn't have to be alone, and we could help out." Your wording shows you have gone from YOU could help out, to now wanting PARENT to help out. Did you make that clear before the move? Did the parent easily agree to this, or "pushed" into doing this? Did you discuss what you wanted to happen after moving in?

I am an "elderly 67 y.o.", elderly according to my kids in their 30's and 40's. Mom, 96, and I and a 39 y.o. daughter live together in my home. I'll tell you what my mom and I do have in common, despite a 30 yr. age difference; we like peace and quiet and not a lot of drama. We each raised our children and enjoy not having to do a lot. Maybe your parent feels the same. What kind of life was your parent living before moving in with you? Perhaps, he/she would be happier in a home by his/herself. Have you talked with your parent about this?

If you really want everyone's best advice on here, please provide more information. Right now, there is so little, it seems like everyone is taking sides.... yours vs. elderly parent, and that is not helpful.

From your post it sounds like your "ideal plan" was to trade your company for a 3rd adult to help raise the children and clean the home. A granny-nanny.
You went from "my parent wouldn't have to be alone, and we could help out" to "this parent refuses to do anything to help out" and "we have 3 kids to take care of and their grandparent refuses to lift a finger".
There was a point in your life when you were provided "all the groceries and everything else" etc., perhaps......from this parent?
There's everything right with specifically, verbally asking for help every time you need it and being specific in the instruction. Then praise generously when goals are met. After all your parents idea of this gig was to "have company and be helped out".
With aging, fear of driving is not uncommon no matter how many accidents didn't happen.
You can make this work if you tweak some stuff. Make some changes, then make other changes. Keep the stuff that works change what doesn't. And then do it all over again.
Relax. Take a deep breath. You can make this work if you change some stuff.

I am sorry to say it but you found out too late it is not wise to take elderly people into your homes. Their values and ideas often conflict with the younger family, and physical and mental problems will develop that will have a great impact on you and your life. Once they are there it gets very tough. So if you keep them, YOU must set boundaries and rules - it is your house and they must abide by them. In some way they must pull their own weight - either helping when asked to do thing or contributing funds. However, if having them is causing problems for you and your family, you simply have no choice and chance for peace unless you move them into a facility - better sooner than later. This is YOUR time of life - live it while you can.

Freeloading parents? Did the parents UNDERSTAND that the invitation was contingent upon their taking on child-care and home maintenance tasks?! Since the father is fearful of driving, he may have thought that he and his wife were being offered a helping hand.
It doesn't sound as if he was expecting to chauffeur kids around (which is sort of inferred by the complaint that he is able to drive but is too fearful).

What I saw in my own family was that my siblings seemed to be in denial much of the time about my parents increasing infirmities. It wasn't intentional. But they still wanted to have holiday meals at my parents home, just to keep the "tradition". And nobody makes better gravy than my mom!
I lived closest to my parents and saw their struggles with stiffness and pain due to arthritis. I feared for their safety when driving. They both had vision problems. They both had falls (fortunately not requiring hospitalization). To plan and serve a large family meal was becoming difficult, especially with grandchildren running around, interrupting, never helping.
Brothers' wives helped some after their arrival when much of the planning and much of the work had already been done. Neither they, nor my brothers, seemed to notice the increasing frailties of my parents. I think they only thought of it as a welcome break from their own hectic life and everyday responsibilities.

My parents never did, nor would they, complain. They enjoyed seeing the family. We did finally settle on having "pot-luck" dinners on holidays at my parents home. This was only slightly less chaotic.

When my parents decided, on their own, to sell their country home and move into a senior's Independent Living apartment, the rest of the family worried that they wouldn't be happy there. In fact, mom and dad enjoyed it! My mother said that, with meals served and housekeeping help, it it was almost as good as taking a "cruise"!

Lola
Had your parent lived a long time in their previous home? I have heard it suggested that elders can appear to be adept at caring for themselves in their own environment but be surrounded in confusion when moved whether that’s to an adult child’s home or into an ALF etc.

It’s like muscle memory they can’t call on to function in a new space.
Plus many elders can’t function as well around the confusion of children. It can be exhausting for them.

We seem to think that being physically able to do something equates with being emotionally able.

My dh aunt, 95 and with dementia, has stopped walking. She is/was physically able but seems to not remember that.
She told me when she was about 90 that she believed she could still drive. Yes, she had the physical strength and muscle memory at that time but not the mental acuity needed.
Those silver alerts we see where a senior has driven away from home demonstrates this point. The are able to drive but don’t remember how to get home.
Your elder might feel she would be lost in new surroundings or may fear being asked to chauffeur children? The parent may not know why they don’t want to drive, they just know they are afraid to.
One very frightening thing that elders do when driving in unfamiliar surroundings is they look for the place they are trying to find as they are driving, going slower and slower and sometimes coming to a stop in the street trying to decide if this is the right turn. Yikes.

I believe the elders know on some level when they are slipping. Regardless, what might have been possible a few years ago with them helping out, may be too late now.
When my MIL first had dementia, I remember her saying things like, I will put those groceries in the pantry. Then later. I will do that tomorrow. She was too confused in my home to put groceries away.
Many people on this forum have brought their parent into their home not realizing their true mental status. Even the parent doesn’t realize their own decline until they are in the new environment and find it not so easy. They will agree to things and then when it’s time to actually perform the job, they have difficulty getting started if they even remember they volunteered.
For now, while you are regrouping on the best living arrangements, try giving the parent small tasks like you might give your children. Clearing or setting the table. Folding or sorting laundry. Snapping beans. See if you can find their comfort level,
if there are routine chores they can do, maybe make a list they can refer to.
If they are on meds, check to make sure they are taking them. That was one of DH aunts first issues. She had taken her thyroid pill first thing every morning for years. She couldn’t believe she had quit taking it until we counted the pills left over when it was time to refill. She understood the math and realized that she had truly not been taking the meds when she had all the facts in front of her. That was about 8 or 9 years ago.
Having said all that, you just may not be able to function with four dependents. No shame in that. Reset your expectations and drop the notion that the elder is being difficult on purpose. See if that helps your stress level. Then start looking for a better solution. A housekeeper might really help. Each layer of help is beneficial.
And your parent probably would be better off to move sooner rather than later if a move is in their future in order to become familiar with their surroundings while they are better able to absorb them and be more independent.

"I feel like I’m running an assisted living facility".

Maybe you are.

"We have 3 kids to take care of.."

Grandparent may not want/or cannot raise more children.

Maybe some clear thinking on this *social contract* will help. It may or may not have been implied or discussed. In many families it is sort of assumed... but sounds like the current elder care for child care arrangement isn't working too well. That's ok.

A new arrangement that suits you all better can be next. Ideally before resentment grows.

My elderly parent lives with me too. I didn't realize it but like you I'm running an ALF. LOL. Well, it's not funny but here we are.

Depending on how your mom's cognitive abilities really are, that'll depend on what you can really expect. Sometimes what we think of as being difficult or stubborn really is MCI or dementia.

My mom makes excuses for EVERYTHING. It's annoying but it's the dementia talking.

If she is able to do things around the house, then you will have to specifically ask since she is not doing things unasked. You need to change your mindset a bit so your expectations are more in line with her reality. You could make a list of things you'd like her to do. We do communal laundry in my home so mom helps with that. She used to do it all and is now basically down to transferring clothes from washer to dryer then folding everything. I used to have her help cut stuff up but not so much anymore as it's too hard and she's too slow when I'm finally ready to make dinner I need it done now. I also don't trust her hygiene and she gets mad every time I ask her to wash her hands. So, that one's not worth it for me.

My mom walks down our short driveway to get the mail.

Can she do dusting? Sweeping? Dishes? If you get her to do a few simple tasks every day she will be helpful and will feel useful.

Things are never how we envision they will be.

Is she paying somehow to live there? You say you provide all groceries so hopefully she is doing something else to pitch in. Don't give her a free ride unless you're loaded. She should be paying something.

Do you go into her appointments with her? Are there any bus/taxi/uber services in your area? In our area, there's a city "bus" that you call and make an appointment the day before. They pick you and drop you off. Then you call when you're done and they come get you. Something like that could work.

If she has a car, sell it. If she's afraid then she should just be permanently done.

Does she play with the kids at all? How old are they? Maybe you can start fostering a better relationship between them? Set up something fun for her to do with them? Or if the ages and interests are too varied, do it on a one by one basis.

If you're really 100% done and don't want to try to better the situation, assess whether she fits in independent living or assisted living and find a place.

Coppertino, I’m thinking of all our regular posters with years of caring experience, including cleaning up regular incontinence. They must be very slow learners do justify ‘what do they know except pleasure and the pursuit of pleasure’. Copraphilia is not all that common as a source of pleasure.

And ThomasY, your unsupportive posts make little sense eg ‘The Elephant in the room is still in hiding. But we know the reason why’. Oh really?

Lolo2001: Imho, what oftentimes seems like "an ideal plan" is not, but it doesn't make you a bad person. Even though I had to move in with my late mother, I am not a big advocate of that. Certainly I understand that your elderly parent moved in with you as it seemed like a good or ideal plan AT THE TIME. As far as your elderly parent being the operator of a motor vehicle AND the fact that they are afraid to drive says it all. A nervous driver makes for a VERY poor driver as they are more likely to be fretting about having a possible event behind the wheel. Example: I have a 75 year old friend who possesses a DL, but has never driven as she is too afraid.

Yes you are and you do not have to listen to the self proclaimed goddesses of the universe for the answer to this question. What do they know except pleasure and the pursuit of pleasure. You also do not want to be under the curse of karma which says...what goes around comes around. It would be better to find resources and other aids to help you with the situation. At Mothers age, she has paid her dues. Unknown illness, sadness over what once was or could have been...all take its toll on the elderly. This will help you prove to the world you are more than flesh and blood, but a real human being worthy of living!

Your elderly parent needs to move into an independent senior community or an assisted living facility if they refuse or cannot do anything for themselves.
You have enough on your plate with three kids at home. You don't need to add an elderly person behaving like a toddler.

Sorta same boat. Mom moved in two and a half years ago, because the nursing home she was in was not the right place for her. She wants to die at home. She'll turn 100 this spring. Hospice now no longer wants to see her, because she'll live forever. While we're happy about that, my wife is very unhappy at not having her own home to herself and I. Mom is blind, mostly deaf, has some dementia, and very social, although her idea of conversation is mostly repeating what you say and giving unwanted advice. Keeping her busy takes up a lot of time. She spends hours on the phone every day, but as soon as she puts it down, she says she's lonely, and why does no one ever call? Not sure my marriage can survive this.

I’m startled by all these answers assuming that parent was virtually forced to move in because OP wanted a nanny. OP says “It meant my parent wouldn’t have to be alone, and we could help out”. What’s so hard to understand about that? What’s so unbelievable about “parent refuses to do anything to help out”? We have many many posters whose parent expects personal service, and they rarely get told they only wanted a nanny.

OP, I’m sure that you are concerned about privacy, but a fuller profile (and more information about what you would like P to do) is important if you want more helpful responses. Best wishes in sorting out a situation that has made life worse, not better. We all make mistakes!

I would be informing her that she has three months to get out. That is the only thing free loarders understand.

Did you ask your parent if they wanted to uproot themself and move to a new state and in with you? Did they have a choice? There isn’t much info as to age, overall health and cognitive status so it’s hard to know how to best respond.

What you are seeing and dealing with is very typical. The biggest mistake is to take in old people in the first place. They often develop physical problems along with dementia and it can cause hell and horror for other family members. They have lived their lives and now it is your turn. The must be placed where they can be handled. Anyone who does not understand this or does not agree has a problem and perhaps does not mind being controlled by them and being a martyr. They can and will cause terrible problems for the families if it is not controlled at once. Please don't let this harm be done to you. That is why there are facilities for this purpose. YOU ARE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING AND I FULLY UNDERSTAND - YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG. But you can't help them and it will get worse and worse and then what?

You’ve found yourself in a common scenario, and now know it was a mistake. Start with a full medical evaluation including screening for dementia so you have a full picture of your parents abilities and needs. Figure out where the parent stands financially and what may be the best living options for him/her. None of this makes you a bad person, it makes you human with your own limitations. I hope you change the living arrangement sooner than later

Well did you move her in to help her or to help you? I'm a senior n I live with my daughter n her family. I help take care of my granddaughters but there are days we I don't feel like it but it's not my responsibility. They use my fiance which helps out. My daughter does not ask me to do maid service. She said Mom I appreciate all that you can do. Your mother is not going to always be around and that is when you will have your regrets. I think you want more from your mother then what she can give. I suggest you think hard of what you choose because your children are watching n listening n if you keep living your day will come. Sorry for being hard .

You feel like you are running a assisted living Facility - You are . The elder parent may not be able to cognitively process help is Needed . Taking on a aging parent requires a lot of patience . They can't do a whole lot. have you asked them if they would go Like to Live independently in assisted living ? Your parent being afraid to drive speaks volumes . They are afraid of getting lost . Do you ask them to contribute financially ? have you Looked Into a day program ? maybe get a person to take them out or go shopping for you ? It is a lot of work and the elderly parent isn't being Lazy they are compromised . maybe its time to go visit some homes .

Sorry to hear the bad news, sadly it only gets worse as in downhill. My dad doesnt lift a finger since last year. He has dementia and is now taking meds to slow it down. The cost to long term care is prohibitive, its better to compromise and move in w loved one that needs 247 care w occasional PSW help. This situation fell onto my lap. This is what life is for someone w. dementia and the caretaker. Good luck.

If you moved in an elderly parent thinking you were getting a nanny, you were mistaken. You may not have realized how much your parent had declined and what their day to day was like.

If your parent says they don't feel safe driving, listen to them. Why do they have to have an accident for your to understand that they have slowed down while everything else has sped up. You have made an error in judgement. Fix it by helping them find an assisted living facility or senior housing of some sort.

If you need help with the three kids, hire someone.

More info is needed. How old is your parent and is she/he disabled in any way? Is this the natural/usual way your parent has been throughout his/her life? You can never change anyone's usual pattern -it's how they lived their lives until now.
Have a talk with your parent about what's expected, and if needed, write down your wishes and post them. Explain that you need help and are asking only for things he/she is capable of doing. Explain that if he/she were to move out, he/she would have to do all these things and more - unless they want to live in a nursing home.
It's always hard when dealing with our parents, and your family seems to have reached your saturation point. This seems to be a matter of your acceptance of things as they are - or repercussions unless they change. Establish a plan in your mind, then be willing to carry it out. I know whatever your decision you will do it in a loving, caring way.

It was never a good idea to move your elderly parent into your home. If you were imagining that parent was going to be built-in extra help, that was unrealistic. Think of it more like taking in another child. As time goes by, your parent will need more help and be less able to pitch in to help.
If your current arrangement is not working, help find your parent an apartment or senior living facility. Do not base your decision on what other people think of you. If you make decisions for honest reasons, you will not feel the need to make excuses for them.

I second the voices for an examination for early dementia. When my Mum was moving out of her house both my brother and I wanted her to live with us. She went to him first and complained she was locked up with nothing to do. So she came to me and complained about living in a mad house (Brother has no kids, I had 3 older ones) anyway the thing I noticed was that she did absolutely nothing while she was with me, we had said this was her home, permanently if she liked. This not doing anything was not my Mum, anytime she visited she’d always find something to do - she lived in the same area of the city as I did so she knew her way around. 3 years later the AZ doctor asked if she’d had a neurological baseline test done and wished she had so he could assist better.