My husband and I are 39 and 40 years old and have been married for 12 years and we have 3 children and 2 have developmental delays. We live in Texas and I’m a stay at home mom now since last year. At the beginning of pandemic in 2020, my husband began to talk about moving his 72 year old mom in. He is her oldest and only child living in the state. She has another son who is out of the country. We live a in 3 bedroom rancher so we didn’t have space to move her in at the time. Well, about 3 months ago my husband told me we are putting our home up for sale and he’s going to build a home big enough to move her in. He never once asked me if it was ok. She can barely walk. She still drives but she shouldn’t. She just fell again last week when I was visiting her and I couldn’t help her. I had to call her nephew who lives nearby to come over and pick her up. What if she falls again after she moves in with us? I think she needs to go to the nursing home where they have the equipment and staff to take care of her but my husband is dead set against it yet he’s not going to be the one caring for her and the children. Our new home is going to be finished by the end of year and instead of feeling excited, I just feel like this is going to be a mess if he doesn’t get her some home health workers over. I can’t take care her by myself.
Hugs 🤗
Why wish? He can't possibly know unless he learns. Why not educate him? Show him this forum or read to him some of the posts you think that will him open his eyes. Look around this forum, you will find posts from other people seeking help for problems dealing taking care of elderly.
Ask him to talk to his cousin who is taking care of her 80 y.o. mother. Ask her what the issues she encounters, how stressful it is. Or if he's hesitant, ask his cousin to call and talk to him.
Seems like MIL is moving in and once in will not move out no matter what. Nothing is going to change that. Your husband is setting that in stone (or cement and concrete in the new house.) I hope it's not your prison he's building.
Your best option is to get inhome help so that you don't carry the burden all on your shoulder. But first you need to MAKE your husband understand how hard it will be. He won't wake up one day and suddenly understand.
I get the feeling that you are a bit afraid to talk to your husband. If that is true, say so, ask us how to approach him and we can give you suggestions how to handle that. If that is not true, I apologize.
Has anyone asked MIL what SHE would like to do in her sunset years?
I was wondering if maybe she would prefer to be living with others her own age? (Playing bingo).
But then I found this reply "..she expects him (DH) to take care of her"
A'ha... Is this really about DH being trained up to be 'The Good Son'?
'Good Sons' take their Mother's in, yes? While it looks like love to want to do this, & it is.. I also have an uncomfortable issue with it. I feel like it sends a message to the next generation of sons that even when you grow up, when you become an adult, you must still do whatever Mother expects or says, because she still controls your life. I feel it also sends a message to the next generation of girls that a husband can enforce his will over their's, that wives must provide the hands-on care for their MILs if the husband says so (regardless of their own decision).
Honour your parents - yes of course! Honour means respect, not obey.
Just my rambles. But I do remember (as a teen) watching my folks sort through these complicated marital/gender/family issues.
If you really really want to go ahead with it, as the easiest option for you, I would suggest that you make it a 6 month commitment, well known as such to everyone in the family including MIL, with a firm expectation that during that time you will all check out as many alternatives as possible to give her a choice. That’s the purpose of the 6 month period - to give time for the best options to be checked out. During the 6 month trial, you should arrange at least a week when you go away on a visit, and DH takes a week‘s holiday to find out what it’s really like. This is NOT a waste of a week of his holiday! Of course, if you turn out to be one of the minority, you can always change things around. But it helps a lot if everyone is made quite clear from the beginning that this is a 6 month period, and it ends after 6 months. A different decision MUST be made well before the end of that time.
It is not okay for him to demand that his mommy moves in and you take care of her. He must be willing to handle the lions share of her care, period.
There must be an exit plan. I am not willing to change an adult's diaper. Not gonna happen and is a complete and total deal breaker for living in my home. What are your deal breakers?
He has obviously been conditioned by this woman for his entire life that he is the man of the family. Many women do this to their sons when they choose not to get married and have multiple children. Someone has to be responsible and they are not going to be the one that is. Proof is in having babies with no daddies.
I understand that you don't want to fight but, some things are worth fighting for. Your children being my 1st thought. They will be the ones that pay the highest price if grandma is a tyrant to live with and becomes the queen of the house, which it sounds like your husband will ensure that role for her. That will teach your children that you are not important and they will learn that they don't matter enough as females and the males will learn that they can enforce their wills on their wives and children regardless of how they feel about it. Just a bad situation for all when 1 person is cramming their will down everyone's throat and that is what he is doing.
You do know that there are many choices that do not include a nursing home right? Besides, you can not not just move into a nursing home, there must be a medical need and falling down is not enough.
Has anyone looked into home help? What about independent living that has call buttons throughout the house and help on location? What about assisted living?
What benefit will be added to the household by having her there? Will her money be used to hire a weekly or biweekly housekeeper? Will she be able to help with household chores? Will she willingly honour the fact that you are the lady of the house and therefore you are the final say in how the house is ran and where things are kept? My mom wants to change my kitchen because she knows better, wth? It's my kitchen, stop moving things, just a big fight because she thinks that she knows the best way, even though she is just visiting and I do ALL the cooking. These are some of the realities of having a strong headed house guest that has been invited to stay indefinitely. How are they going to be dealt with and will your husband support you or will he always defer to mommy?
I think that you and your husband need to sit down face to face and figure out what can be done to help mom that works for everyone involved. If he just gets mad and tries to bully you into doing what he wants, well, I would step back and let him do it ALL on his own. I would stop supporting him in any way, no clean unders, well dear hubby, you obviously need to do laundry more frequently for yourself, because I am not propping up anyone that doesn't care about me and my children. I have to take care of them solo because you are to busy taking care of your mommy, who lives here by your choice alone. That is if he pulls the bulling act.
I pray that he will see that he now has a family that should be his 1st priority and that they should not be sacrificed for his mom. She has choices, the children don't.
Your husband is being unreasonable. Period. He is putting his mother ahead of his wife and children. What he thinks - oh the kids will love having grandma around - and what will be is why we all are waving red flags.
She is sick. Her needs will only increase. She will fall again.
She also hasn't saved any money to pay for her care. Your husband expects you to take care of his mother for free and you neither can nor should do that. And from the little I know about Texas, longterm care including home health is expensive. And she will not get 24/7 care in the home. So the burden of filling the gaps in her care will fall on you because your husband has a job, right? Does she already have Medicaid for indigent seniors? If not, it sounds like it's time.
You need to stop thinking it's either "be nice" or "fight". What your husband is asking (expecting? demanding??) of you is life changing. Imagine all of a sudden he declared "I want another baby". He wants what he wants but you obviously would have to agree.
As for the new house, is your husband building her an in-law suite? Everyone needs privacy and personal space. If you're not willing to stand up for yourself on anything that your husband wants, then you will be miserable. Most people on this forum who have moved their parents or in-laws in with them *while also raising young children* regret the decision.
You need to write the plan for his mother because he won't. You need to educate him about what it will take to care for her in your home i.e. mobility, bathing, toileting, meals, laundry, transportation, housekeeping, just to name a few. Hiring extra in-home help will cost at least $15 per hour. Is he going to pay for it? What is that going to do to your family's financial security?
Elise- you have young children to protect. You also have to protect yourself from being injured and getting sick from burnout. You must put caring for your children first. And I agree with others who have suggested that your marriage needs counseling.
If standing up for your wants and needs and thise of your kids results in a "fight" then this isn't a marriage. A marriage respects the needs and desires of both of the participants.
HE isnt the one who will be doing the work, is he?
Find that marriage counselor today. Also, even if you don't think divorce is the way to go, consult an attorney to find out how much you can expect in child support, maintenance and split of assets.
My ex told me I'd be dirt poor if we divorced. In fact, it was quite the opposite. But I needed a lawyer to educate me on the laws in my state. And I benefited from having someone else stand up for me.
I suppose that it is normal to somewhat fear the unknown but it can be a fresh and exciting start to a new life.
People become crippled by fear, fear of letting go of their current situation and the past, fear of what lies ahead for them, fear of what others will think. Oh my gosh, I can say that now, I don’t give a rat’s a** what others think!
I have learned that letting go can be extremely liberating. It took me long enough to realize it, but with the help of therapy and this forum, I managed to do it.
I was blind. I was stuck in a rut. So, if I could adapt to change, anyone can.
This is CLASSIC passive-aggressive behavior. The implication here being "if you don't agree with what I want to do, I am going to turn it around on you and claim that this means you don't love my mom. So you will give in, because you are afraid of being accused of not being a loving daughter-in-law, and it makes YOU the bad guy in this scenario, not me - the person who is making life changing, family changing decisions without the COURTESY of consulting my spouse."
That's what that one line he used on you is actually saying.
As far as I can see it, you really only have very limited choices. You either
1) acquiesce. Accept the fact you MIL is going to become a permanent part of your household and deal with all the fallout that will cause.
2) Fight now with your husband, and maybe convince him this is NOT a good idea for anyone, including his mother.
3) pack your bags and the kids and leave.
You said don't want MIL living with you. You said you don't want to leave your husband. So that really only leaves one viable option.
You might not win the fight. But you'll never know until you try.
Oh - and a great comeback for "I thought you loved my mommy" - "And I thought you loved ME - at least enough to ask for and respect my HONEST INPUT on this life altering decision YOU have decided to make on your own." Put the blame right back at him.
I really, really hope you can find the voice you need to stand up for yourself and your kids.
Good luck!
From my reading of your comments, it still seems to me that what we reading here are seeing is not a problem with your MIL. She is almost a side-issue to everything you are saying. You love her and want her cared for, but are talking about major changes to your life and the way you raise your children being imposed on you without, as you describe it, your active willing consent. That is what makes this appear to be a husband/wife issue rather than an elderly care issue. “He never once asked me if it was okay.”
You can read from many here the workload and difficulties in store for you caring for your MIL in your home. Even those who are glad they did it admit is is a tremendous amount of work and burden on your life, on top of all you are doing now. If you aren’t even beginning this new task and role with a glad heart and willing spirit, it will not go well from Day 1. You resenting what is being put on you against your will and wishes makes what would be difficult under the best of circumstances into something that could destroy you and your family. That’s where you must decide, not divorce, but a change in the way your marriage appears to be, from your words, to become where you and and your husband are solidly equal partners and make decisions AND compromises together. Maybe you say, “I would welcome your mother into MY home, BUT...” and state your conditions. Then you start to negotiate. I really hope you two can work it out for the best of all of you.
DH said “I thought you loved my mommy.” This is not about loving her. You will be a better loving daughter in law when you can visit, complete with one grandchild (more is hard to control, believe me). Being the unpaid servant with increasingly dirty work interferes with the loving.
Yes, very very occasionally we have people where it did work. It worked for me when I moved in with my mother while she died of cancer, and I’m glad and proud that I did it with her. The move-in lasted just over a month before she died at home, though admittedly my life had revolved around the hospital for the previous 2 months. Yes, it was the most intensive time possible to be caring, but I knew I couldn’t have done it for much longer. My children were with their other grandmother, and that wasn’t viable longer term. Ex-husband (actually his partner) said he was not prepared ‘to be my backstop' and take them while my mother died. I couldn’t work (in my own business, no paid leave), and that couldn’t last either. My mother woke every 4 hours, incontinent, and I wasn’t coping with the lack of sleep. She was ‘well behaved’, and was very grateful for all I was doing. She was a very intelligent woman, and I loved her.
The people for whom it works are either short term (like me), or unusually nice elders (not bossy, judgemental, argumentative, unreasonable), plus there is other family help so that you can still get a break, take your children out for sports etc. So many people have difficult cases, that get progressively worse, and that last for years and years. It’s the roll of the dice. How much of a gambler are you?
It’s hard, but please believe the people who are speaking from bitter experience. Yours, Margaret
It's easy to move your MIL in but it will be almost impossible to move her out. It will feel like you are kicking her out when she needs so much help.
Here are a few things that some of us have to deal with:
--MIL now shares the house and starts criticizing the way DIL cooks, manages house, the kitchen, disciplines the kids, all while the husband does nothing about it, or sides with his mother.
--The parent takes over the living room and the TV all day all night and won't give the couple any privacy. If the parent has hearing loss, the TV will be on full blast.
--The parent takes over the conversation at every meal and wants to be the center of attention.
--The parent will demand to be included in all the social activities and be brought along, and will get angry if left at home.
--The MIL now sees her son's house as hers, and the wife becomes the outsider or the third wheel.
Since your MIL has mobility issues, here are some issues you might have to deal with:
--MIL will fall, even if you're standing next to her. Can you pick her up? How's that back of yours?
--MIL might need help with personal hygiene. Who's going to help bathe her and dress her? Who's going to help her with #1 and #2? Who's going to clean up bathroom messes when she has accidents? Who's going to pick up and launder her soiled clothes? If she uses a bedside commode (since she can barely walks), who's going to dump out the bucket and clean it daily?
--Eventually in a few years, she will become incontinent. Who's going to do diaper duties? And clean her nether regions?
--If she has other health problems, who's going to transport her to doctor appointments, and help her in and out of the car?
--Since she's still driving and shouldn't, who's going to tell her she has to stop driving before she kills someone? This issue is a big one for many people because the elder is so stubborn and won't give up the keys.
One other thing, not only you can't go on vacations, you won't have much (if any) of a social life either. Friends will move on. You will feel isolated and stuck.
Your MIL may not have any of the issues I mentioned above, but that will change. Her needs will get more and more. Your husband is clueless as to what is waiting in store for you all, especially you Elise.
Some of us made the mistake of moving our in-laws in, and found out we have become a 24/7 unpaid servant doing the hardest, most unwanted and thankless job, and worst of all, we can't get out of it, then we think to ourselves, it's better to be divorced than to be in this horrible situation.
People here have lived it so offer their advice based on their lived experience. Also, many here have had to learn about boundaries & sticking up for themselves. (I sure did).
Of course you can "be nice" as you said!! You can all move in together. Give it a go. Why not! Find what works for YOU. Find what works for YOUR family.
Just make sure you have the authority to CHANGE the situation if you find you need to.
Either in small ways - like adding outside help (non-family home care aides). This becomes a sticking point for some. They refuse & want ONLY you. This leads to servitude: you may find you can't attend school functions with your children, can't ever go out with girlfriends, never go away for a family weekend etc.
You will also need a plan if you need to make big changes. Eg if it really does not work for your family at all in the home setting. That even with home care aides it is not enough & transfer to a facility setting is required. Will DH be ok with that? Or will the pressure to keep her in your home be ongoing?
Communication is key. With DH & MIL. Could go something like.. let's try living together (plan A). If MIL needs more help, MIL will need to hire that help (plan B). If this does not work, for any of us in the family, we will need to look at alternatives. That will include AL or NH (plan C). Aging is a moving target. It keeps changing & therefore so must the plans.
How does that sound?
Divorce is obviously for the situation after all forms of communication & relationship have broken down. This would be your final card to play IF you have taken MIL in, it does not work, you are desparately suffering but your DH refuses to move her out. (It becomes a wife vs momma & sometimes this does lead to divorce. Of which, the ex-wife does no ex-MIL care & the man finds himself up the c#it creek he paddled himself up!)
DO NOT MOVE HER IN!
Here is what will happen if you all move to a bigger place and move MIL in.
You will become her primary caregiver. Or better still her only caregiver because you don't "work". Being a woman in the home means that you're the first name to come to mind if someone needs childcare or elder care. The life of the unemployed woman at home is like a chess game. She has to stay two moves ahead of her own life to protect herself from becoming the "convenient" choice and a designated caregiver.
If your husband hasn't mentioned the new place having a room for his mom's live-in caregiver, then he's assuming the live-in caregiver will be you. That's why he didn't discuss it with you and just went ahead and decided for everybody. He's made you the designated caregiver. Oh, hell no. Nip that in the bud now while you still have the chance.
She needs to be in an assisted living senior community. Not at your house. Sit down with your husband today and tell him plainly that you cannot and will not take on the responsibility of his mother. If he refuses to discuss it with you and doesn't take you seriously, talk to a divorce lawyer. That will certainly get his attention well enough that he'll actually start listening.
During that time, we had no privacy, no vacations, no rest, no peace. Everything we did had to revolve around my mother and her needs. We couldn't go anywhere unless we arranged to have someone stay with her. Getting her to agree to stay with the sitter was in itself a monumental task that took months and several trials. My children became resentful of my mother. They disliked her. They kept begging me to move her out. The stress and tension were always ALWAYS present in the house. There was no peace.The home felt like a prison. My only escape was when I went out to walk the dog, or take the kids to school. I was burned out. Even my dog didn't like my mom.
Eliss, your life will change for the worse. Your marriage will be at risk. Your health will suffer. Your children will suffer.
You have been warned!
Fight for your life or get run over by the freight train of caregiving.
Get your husband to see what he is getting you all into by getting him to this forum to read the real life stories of care giving.
I know firsthand the misery and resentment that caring for an elderly parent can cause because I live in it.
What I don't do, and refuse to do is cater to her in any way. She never catered to me a moment in my life, so I don't owe her.
There is no getting her to agree to anything in this house.
If I make an arrangement, that's the end of it. I don't care if she likes it or not.
Life is still a wretched misery for me though.
There comes a time when you have to use your voice and stand up for yourself and for your children, letting everyone know what YOU want. Now is that time.
My mother is 94 and lives in Memory Care Assisted Living. Since she moved into regular Assisted Living in April of 2015, she's fallen 72x. Just since moving into the Memory Care bldg in June of 2019, she's fallen 32x. If she was living with me, I'd have had to call 911 every single time she fell b/c she weighs almost 200 lbs. Not to mention, she'd have been lying on the floor for God knows how long before either myself or my DH got home from work and found her. She's always been fiercely against authority of any kind, meaning she refuses to wear a call button/Life Alert bracelet or anything like that, so no call for help would have gone out when she fell. I thank God every day that I made the decision long ago to NEVER have elders come live in my home.
I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband now and with both sets of parents about what you're willing to do and what you're unwilling to do in terms of caregiving. You're very young and you have decades of caregiving ahead of you, should you choose to go down that path. Read this forum to see what THAT looks like, should you choose that path.
Good luck
Family dynamics change when they live together and NOT in a positive way. It had NOTHING to do with love. We can love each other while living separate lives. Mix lives together and chances are it will become a fiasco!
I'll bet your husband doesn't really know what a "nursing home" is these days. It isn't a place where you send Grandma to die, but rather a place where there are activities and friends as well as assistance as whatever level you need. I would think your MIL could go to assisted living, have an apartment, and most important, have FRIENDS. Your family shouldn't be her entire social circle. She should have friends closer to her own age and experiences, and she deserves to have that. It's more stimulating for her, plus it gives her things to do that are more interesting to her than what she'll get at your house. You can always bring her to your house for lunch or dinner or for the weekend if you like, but she has a place of her own and activities of her own. It's no different than refusing to ever send your kids to school or let them spend time with other kids their age and expecting them to become well-rounded people when they never see anyone but you.
I think you should demand your husband and MIL at least tour a few assisted living facilities. Has anyone even asked HER what she wants to do? It sounds like your husband is consumed by his self-imposed guilt and obligation as to what he thinks a good son does without talking to any of the affected parties here, nor having much knowledge of the options available that would give his mother a better quality of life.
Are you on the deed as an owner of your current house? If yes, it can not be sold without your consent. No reputable agent will list it to sell without your signature agreeing to sell it. Even a for-sale-by-owner will need your signature to close the sale.
Did you participate in the purchase of the land the new house is being built on? Are you an owner? Did you have any say in the design of the new house?
If you answered “no” to any of those questions, you have a hard choice to make about whether you accept the future your husband is choosing, or whether you declare independence (and that doesn’t necessarily mean divorce). My hope for you would be that you and your husband would manage to become equal partners in your marriage. I wish you well.
But let's be honest, he is not going to help. Men in the US often don't. That's a problem. But it's not his problem, it's yours. So you have to be clear with yourself, you are not obligated to do this. Just because you are a woman not working outside the house does not mean you are free to do a job that takes a staff to do in a care facility. This starts with you. Don't let the house be built with the MIL in mind. Just say no. You are not obligated to do this. And if things progress further, you will need to without tipping off your husband, arrange to see a divorce lawyer and find out your options. If you allow this to happen it will surely seal the fate of your marriage anyway. Why bother waiting until you're worn out and broken down?
Tell him to ask us if you were selfish for not wanting his mom to move in. We'll enlighten him.
This may have given tantamount approval (at least in your husband's one eyed view of things) that, given a remedy to your concern, it would be all systems go.
Had you revisited this conversation over the ensuing 12 months or prided yourself on your own good fortune for living in a 'rancher'?
Don't misunderstand, I believe your husband has moved pretty much on his own terms with little regard for your opinion, but some accountability rests with you also and, if not then, the time to speak your mind is now to clarify any misunderstanding and express that you (and not your circumstances - or even hers) are the sticking point.
Honesty can be brutal sometimes but cannot be disputed; and silence will not serve you well in this case. I feel you may have sought supporting evidence in favour of expressing yourself beyond doubt and from your own standpoint. It will take much courage to reclaim lost ground, but with calm discussion I hope you shall find mutual understanding to carry this forward.
Are you allowed to decide what brand of canned peas to buy?
Your concerns are valid.
Mil's age is young but it sounds as if she needs more care than you are able to provide.
Maybe you can come up with alternatives for her care that would support your husband in making other plans for the care of his mother.
Maybe we can help you plan. What are her needs for care, why is she falling, etc.? Can she stay where she is with home care coming in?
Start by calling the local Area Agency on Aging and asking for a "needs assessment".
You, your husband and MIL need to have a clear picture of what her abilities and needs are, what supports are neccesary and what help is available.
Who accompanies MIL to doctor visits? Is her physician aware of the fact that she is falling frequently? Does she have balance issues? Has a physical therapy assessment been done?
Does MIL have all her legal papers in order? POA, will, advance directive? What are her financial resources for getting care?
Once you know what her needs and resources are, you can start to look for appropriate alternatives to her living with you.
Consider re-entering the workforce outside the home. This will render you unavailable for caregiving. And keep the money you earn in a separate account under your own name.