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I was Mom's POA before she died and her advocate. After she passed away I was the executrix for her estate. It has taken a little over a year to get it all done.
You not only lost your parent - you lost your “job”. It sounds like you did that job well with dedication and love. Caregiving is consuming and to me it kind of feels like constantly being on sentry duty. I haven’t experienced the aftermath yet, but I imagine it too is all consuming because, like caregiving, you can’t just say “Oh, I’ll do that later”. Now that you are done with the estate, take time for yourself to decompress in whatever ways are helpful. I plan to take small steps to fill the void back with whatever brings happiness back to my life. I’m sure it won’t be easy. But, I will look back on a time where I filled my parents needs as best as possible for me and have no regrets about that. Good luck with your journey back to you.
Not sadness, per se, but I had an ongoing dream in which my mom would come back from the dead - body and all - and come back home to my house. I would dream I was in a state of panic trying to figure out how I was going to 1) get all of her property back to her and 2) get all of her money back to her. I will say, in my dream, she was never, ever angry about my settling her estate, she actually would tell me that it had been my "job" to do so, and she was happy I did it efficiently in such short order.
I guess you don't need a PHD in psychology to figure out the meaning of that dream - I'm sure it was my guilt (and yes, I know all about the "guilt v. grief" argument, so let me save everyone some time - it's definitely guilt) coming through in my subconscious. And I know it's ridiculous to feel guilty, because I did exactly what she instructed me to do, in both her written and verbal instructions, but oftentimes emotions don't line up with reality.
I wish you peace as you go on through this journey we call grieving.
Pjdela: It's perfectly natural to feel that way as your busy times are about to come to an end. After my mother died, I sought short term medication for sorrow.
You are nearing the end of the busy work. First her and then her estate. Now that it's closing the door on all that, you naturally have more time for thought.
I would relate it to going through BC with chemo, etc. At the end of chemo, they usually have a bell to ring in the infusion center. That was harder for me than all the treatments, mentally. It seemed like I was no longer fighting for anything. I never did ring the bell. It was just time to move on to the life of 'after' the illness. Same for after my parent died last year. It seemed to just bring all the pain back from when the other parent was killed many years earlier. Once all the tasks of putting someone to rest are done, the memories have brain room to move in.
Take care of yourself. Accept the grieving because you can't stop it. It might not get better, but it does get different. Bless you in the coming days, weeks, months and years.
It is the end of the passing of the loved one, the finality, plus the strangeness that it is impersonal 'paperwork' at such a deeply personal time. May you find peace that you saw the entire process to its conclusion, honoring your mom. I took a framed picture of my mom to all the 'paperwork' sessions to remind us all that it was a human being we were discussing/settling, closing her 'story.'
I did. Probate keeps you so busy for a year or more then suddenly no more matters to settle concerning your deceased loved one. That's when it really hits you that you are no longer a caregiver and a new life minus the one you cared for actually begins. Cargiving was a difficult job but left me with so many memories I cherish. - Like holding my Mom's hand as she passed away. I was the only family member able to be with her as she passed in an er room. But by some miracle I managed to get her other adult child and her grandchildren on the phone in the middle of the night and they all got to tell her they loved her before her hand went cold. I think it's natural to feel sad at such time.
My DH was his dad's executor and while it wasn't horrible, it did not pass without some drama. DH does NOT do 'drama' so if there was ever any question about the dispersement of dad's stuff--DH gave in to his sibs on EVERYTHING. He just wouldn't and didn't 'fuss it'.
Dad had a rental property that his divorced wife (DH's mom) thought was left to her. They did not include her in the loop AT ALL since they parted on such hostile terms (all her)-the house was in a mess, I went and mowed lawns and cleaned it, then suggested it simply be sold in it's as-is condition, which it did, on the day it was listed. MONTHS later, MIL called ME to ask when were the 'kids' going to sell the house b/c she wanted the money. Lucky me, I was the one to tell her it had been sold months previously. I got all the anger from her-and I was just helping out. Been 20 years and she's still mad at ME--I didn't have anything to do with the sale and the fact she'd been 'screwed over'.
It did take about a year to close out the last of the estate. (Not 100% true, we have the title to 2 pieces of property in NM which are worth less than $500 a parcel. We can't get rid of them, but have to pay taxes every year.)
DH never acted put out, he did the job slowly and steadily with a LOT of help from me and simply cut checks to the sibs every time something paid out. He never grieved for his dad, I think he was too busy with the mechainics of putting dad's estate to rest.
He also never showed any signs of depression. Just relief that it was over.
He just found out that he is his mom's executor and he's depressed NOW about having to do that at some point. He won't be sad, actually, I think he'll be mad, but that's life, right? Probably relieved, more than anything.
Personally, I think it's totally appropriate to be sad after you've closed the book on the final chapter of someone's life. My DH doesn't do emotions, so I do know why he was so 'stoic'.
I am in the beginning stages of settling my father’s estate. He passed less than three weeks ago. It’s completely overwhelming. He left several homes, most needing work, a commercial space, and his primary residence where he passed that needs some serious work before my brother can move in (that’s the house he left to him) and animals that have to be rehomed. Luckily I had great people for the dogs right away that the dogs have known for years. I am very grateful for everything he has left behind and that he put it in a trust so no probate, but it’s a lot of work.
My father took matters into his own hands and ended his life in his home. So on top of it all, I am dealing with police reports and crime scene clean up. And I live 3000 miles away. I flew home the day after it happened and will stay for 2 months shoring things up and then it will take the rest of the year to really settle things out. So time for grieving feels like something I have to schedule for another day. All I can feel so far is that I am not angry with him, but just sad that he had such a violent end to his 82 years. I know why he did it. He was in moderate Alzheimer’s and saw what was coming. He left on his terms, exactly how he lived, on his terms always.
I admire your kindness and understanding concerning your father and how he chose to handle his life and estate. One step at a time. It seemed like forever and then suddenly all the loose ends were tied up neatly for me as executrix. Then you grieve because before that you simply don't have time to grieve.
I myself felt great relief when it was done. Felt I had done my brother honor by getting it done as he would have liked. I will admit that it kept me busy, and occupied some of the thinking that may otherwise have gone to concentrating only on my loss of this good man, but overall I felt relief; I had found the whole Trustee, POA, Executrix thing tough, anxiety provoking. I think what you are feeling is commonly expressed however. Suddenly there is nothing left to do but grieve. My condolences to you, and my best wishes. Remember to celebrate the life even while you mourn the loss.
I expected to feel relief and I do, so I was surprised by the sadness. Like you, POA, advocate, executrix roles caused a LOT of anxiety. I think I am realizing that wrapping up these duties are the last things I will be handling for my Mom. There wil be no new tasks going forward. She is truly gone and my role as her advocate is over. Yes, I now have some space in which to grieve. I want to be able to celibrate her going forward and not just feel her loss. I have much to be grateful and thankful for. Thank you for your condolences.
We won’t be getting an inheritance, I will just be getting biggest dumpster I can find to get rid of 70 years of accumulated stuff and paying off Medicaid and other debtors. With the mess my parents left, I will be dancing a jig when all of this is done. There will be no grieving. Just lots of anger and resentment at their lack of financial decision making and thinking that their daughters had ulterior motives and wanted to cheat them.They robbed me of any sentimentality.
I'm sorry you went through all that. I can certainly relate and empathize with how you feel. I had a lifetime of dealing with toxic parents who were both hoarders to boot. My father was a sociopathic Narcissist and my mom was a bitter judgmental enabling martyr. Siblings were of the 'out of sight out of mind' type and everything was left for me to handle alone. No support whatsoever. Mom passed first, leaving me to deal with father for 17 more months. I went from Grey Rocking, to low/very low contact, to NC 2 months before the Coronavirus pandemic hit. He was in AL and for months, every day I hoped for The Call. When it finally came, I literally did a happy dance that it was over. DH and I had to go in the next day to clean out his entire room or keep getting charged $150 a day for the room. So much worthless junk! We overflowed the entire commercial dumpster throwing stuff out. Fortunately, no probate as it was a simple estate all in a trust and I was the Trustee. Took me 18 months to get it all done and I fulfilled my fiduciary duties, though it galled me to write the checks to the 2 siblings for their 1/3 of the estate. Then I went NC with them as well. I never shed a tear for my father. After many years in the FOG, I have zero guilt and I don't miss them. My only regret is that I didn't cut all ties many years ago. They ruined my health and stole my best retirement years from me. It took 2 years for my anger and resentment to lesson. I finally have my life back and the freedom to move forward. My In-Laws are a better family to me than my own family ever was. Best of luck and take of yourself.
Of course. You have been busy getting everything done and not allowing yourself to grieve. I was it and my DH. I had to sell and clean out a 4 bedroom 123yr old farmhouse I grew up in and my Mom lived in for 60 years. To get things done I had to plow ahead. Its is a "let down" when its all done. Then you have time to look at what u needed to do and what it means...that chapter of your life has closed.
"Let down" is a good description. While going through all the executrix duties I definitely have not had the chance to look at the big picture-- I have been too lost in the details of all the tasks to truly grasp the situation. I have "driven" myself for a year now to handle it all and that is coming to an end. I understand the feeling of plowing ahead. I am not sure what the next chapter of life holds but I want to honor my Mom's memory and fully grieving and healing will be the next steps.
Of course. It's quite normal. After a loved one dies we're typically kept quite busy tying up loose ends with the estate and such and it keeps us(sometimes)from truly getting to experience the full impact of our loss. And once the dust settles, reality and grief sets in. So just allow yourself to feel and truly experience your grief when it comes, as it is only when we truly deal with it that we can move forward in a healthy manner. God bless you.
All the tasks have indeed kept me from fully grieving. Life goes on and now my husbands parents are experiencing health issues and difficulties. Still in their own home and live across the country from us. We may be making a move close to them when hubby retires. I want the time and space to grieve and adjust to a new normal before caretaking overtakes us again. God has been good.
My Mom died 4 months ago. I've taken care of all financials and have spent the last few months setting up donations and getting my house more in order. Occasionally, I'll get the wave of grief when I'm packing up something of hers. It's completely normal. It's like a final goodbye. Until we meet again.
Yes, I am still working on my house as after the estate sale I brought some things to my home and I am slowly sorting through those. I just have a couple of items left as executrix. I do grieve going through her things as there are many memories aasociated with them. Many good memories but bittersweet now. I have been blessed. And yes, until we meet again!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I guess you don't need a PHD in psychology to figure out the meaning of that dream - I'm sure it was my guilt (and yes, I know all about the "guilt v. grief" argument, so let me save everyone some time - it's definitely guilt) coming through in my subconscious. And I know it's ridiculous to feel guilty, because I did exactly what she instructed me to do, in both her written and verbal instructions, but oftentimes emotions don't line up with reality.
I wish you peace as you go on through this journey we call grieving.
I would relate it to going through BC with chemo, etc. At the end of chemo, they usually have a bell to ring in the infusion center. That was harder for me than all the treatments, mentally. It seemed like I was no longer fighting for anything. I never did ring the bell. It was just time to move on to the life of 'after' the illness. Same for after my parent died last year. It seemed to just bring all the pain back from when the other parent was killed many years earlier. Once all the tasks of putting someone to rest are done, the memories have brain room to move in.
Take care of yourself. Accept the grieving because you can't stop it. It might not get better, but it does get different. Bless you in the coming days, weeks, months and years.
Cargiving was a difficult job but left me with so many memories I cherish. - Like holding my Mom's hand as she passed away. I was the only family member able to be with her as she passed in an er room. But by some miracle I managed to get her other adult child and her grandchildren on the phone in the middle of the night and they all got to tell her they loved her before her hand went cold.
I think it's natural to feel sad at such time.
Dad had a rental property that his divorced wife (DH's mom) thought was left to her. They did not include her in the loop AT ALL since they parted on such hostile terms (all her)-the house was in a mess, I went and mowed lawns and cleaned it, then suggested it simply be sold in it's as-is condition, which it did, on the day it was listed. MONTHS later, MIL called ME to ask when were the 'kids' going to sell the house b/c she wanted the money. Lucky me, I was the one to tell her it had been sold months previously. I got all the anger from her-and I was just helping out. Been 20 years and she's still mad at ME--I didn't have anything to do with the sale and the fact she'd been 'screwed over'.
It did take about a year to close out the last of the estate. (Not 100% true, we have the title to 2 pieces of property in NM which are worth less than $500 a parcel. We can't get rid of them, but have to pay taxes every year.)
DH never acted put out, he did the job slowly and steadily with a LOT of help from me and simply cut checks to the sibs every time something paid out. He never grieved for his dad, I think he was too busy with the mechainics of putting dad's estate to rest.
He also never showed any signs of depression. Just relief that it was over.
He just found out that he is his mom's executor and he's depressed NOW about having to do that at some point. He won't be sad, actually, I think he'll be mad, but that's life, right? Probably relieved, more than anything.
Personally, I think it's totally appropriate to be sad after you've closed the book on the final chapter of someone's life. My DH doesn't do emotions, so I do know why he was so 'stoic'.
My father took matters into his own hands and ended his life in his home. So on top of it all, I am dealing with police reports and crime scene clean up. And I live 3000 miles away. I flew home the day after it happened and will stay for 2 months shoring things up and then it will take the rest of the year to really settle things out. So time for grieving feels like something I have to schedule for another day. All I can feel so far is that I am not angry with him, but just sad that he had such a violent end to his 82 years. I know why he did it. He was in moderate Alzheimer’s and saw what was coming. He left on his terms, exactly how he lived, on his terms always.
Yes, I now have some space in which to grieve. I want to be able to celibrate her going forward and not just feel her loss. I have much to be grateful and thankful for. Thank you for your condolences.
Siblings were of the 'out of sight out of mind' type and everything was left for me to handle alone. No support whatsoever. Mom passed first, leaving me to deal with father for 17 more months. I went from Grey Rocking, to low/very low contact, to NC 2 months before the Coronavirus pandemic hit. He was in AL and for months, every day I hoped for The Call. When it finally came, I literally did a happy dance that it was over. DH and I had to go in the next day to clean out his entire room or keep getting charged $150 a day for the room. So much worthless junk! We overflowed the entire commercial dumpster throwing stuff out. Fortunately, no probate as it was a simple estate all in a trust and I was the Trustee. Took me 18 months to get it all done and I fulfilled my fiduciary duties, though it galled me to write the checks to the 2 siblings for their 1/3 of the estate. Then I went NC with them as well.
I never shed a tear for my father. After many years in the FOG, I have zero guilt and I don't miss them. My only regret is that I didn't cut all ties many years ago. They ruined my health and stole my best retirement years from me. It took 2 years for my anger and resentment to lesson. I finally have my life back and the freedom to move forward. My In-Laws are a better family to me than my own family ever was.
Best of luck and take of yourself.
After a loved one dies we're typically kept quite busy tying up loose ends with the estate and such and it keeps us(sometimes)from truly getting to experience the full impact of our loss. And once the dust settles, reality and grief sets in.
So just allow yourself to feel and truly experience your grief when it comes, as it is only when we truly deal with it that we can move forward in a healthy manner.
God bless you.
Occasionally, I'll get the wave of grief when I'm packing up something of hers. It's completely normal. It's like a final goodbye. Until we meet again.