Hi Everybody, I’ve been reading all of your comments for a couple of years. I really wish I wasn’t part of your club but I am.
My 90 year old Mom has vascular dementia which is getting progressively worse. She lives alone with a caregiver that comes 4 hours a day. She owns a $220k home with $30k mortgage on it. The house is in her name.
Assisted Living is out because she needs more care and a nursing home is to depressing for us kids to put her in. She gets pension and social security at $2300 monthly.
I want to get a reverse mortgage and use that money for her care.
Has anyone here had luck w a reverse mortgage? I heard they charge $15-$20k in fees. Do you still own the house? Would they pay off her existing mortgage?
Sometimes I wish she would die in her sleep. It’s all very stressful and I’m across country. I go home for a month every 3 months .
Sorry for going on and on .
No on the Reverse Mortgage
Since July
Mom still isn’t in assisted living and I can’t force her into one . I don’t have it in me to do it ( guilt) right now. We promised her she’d stay in her house and my brother especially is sticking to that although he does very little to help . He is the golden child who could do no wrong in her eyes and I was always the caretaker. I guess much hasn’t changed !!
I hired 3 caregivers and she seems very happy with them . It’s much less stress for me and she doesn’t call 4-5 times a day anymore .
I guess I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop . I know she’s getting worse and It’s hard for her to find words and complete sentences.I keep thinking I’ll put her in a place when she doesn’t know who I am anymore but I think it will still be hard. I know lots of you have done it and I commend you . You’re braver and tougher than I am .
4 hrs a day is not enough care for Mom unless someone is with her the rest of the time. Have you figured what it would cost for 24/7 care in her home. At $10 an hour (this would be private pay, an agency would charge at least $20) that would be $240 a day, 1680 a week, approx 87k a year. Even if you sell her house, the proceeds would be gone in 2 years at least. Better that you sell for Market Value (Medicaid requires this) put the proceeds in an interest bearing account. Find a nice AL for maybe 5k or so a month. Use the proceeds to offset what Moms SS and pension doesn't cover.
Unless a family member is willing to live with Mom, I really don't see how you can keep her in her home. Reversed mortgages work on equity not what a house is worth. So Mom only has maybe 190k to work with. I hated that most of Moms money was going to the upkeep on a house that was getting old and repairs were needed. She could have sold the house 11 yrs before she died. Took the proceeds and put that and Dads insurance money into CDs. She could have gotten a nice apartment and pretty much lived off of her SS and pension. The sale of the house as backup and money for the AL she was eventually in. As it was, the house became a burden to me. In the 4 yrs it was for sale it deteriorated. It sold as is for 40k. Lots less than she could have gotten for it 13 yrs ago.
You as a family need to make decisions now concerning Mom. Dementia can be a slow process or Mom wakes up one morning and its progressed a couple of stages. Better that you place Mom somewhere early so it becomes her home than later when she doesn't adjust as well.
sorry for going on and on .
thanks again
You are willing to force a move to an apartment that will make mom unhappy, but you won't put her in a facility that will ensure her wellbeing and safety so you don't have to feel guilty when she dies.
You need help, that is the most screwed up thing I have ever read. You should let the courts take over for your mom, at least they will give a crap about her and not make it all about their feelings.
I suppose it wouldn't bother you in the least if she choked to death because there was no one there to help her after the caregiver went home for the day. That she is beyond AL care and you find it acceptable for her to live alone 20 hours a day so you don't feel guilty just enrages me. You don't care one iota about your mom.
Unless the law has changed since we did this in 2017, there IS a way to “game the system” and make the reverse mortgage actually profitable. My husband and I did just that. When he turned 62 (I am somewhat younger), he took one out on our house (valued at $630,000 by appraisal). But we did not cash in. We are simply letting the available equity sit there, year after year, accumulating interest. If we wait until my husband is 73, the amount available will be over $1,000,000. At that point, we will cash out, and use the profit to get a smaller place, with no huge lawn. The bank will take the house, and sell it for what they can. Their problem, at that point!
I was hugely skeptical, at first; it all seemed fishily too good to be true. But my husband is a real estate lawyer, and he deemed it airtight. If we should need fast money sooner, we could certainly claim it at any point (although we have other assets). If he died before claiming at any point, the deal simply dissolves, and I can sell the house as I normally would, or stay put, as I choose.
If we cash out on his 73rd birthday, and he drops dead the next day, I can take the $$ and either stay in the house (unbelievable, but perfectly legal), or go and fulfill my dream of buying a small place in France or Italy, and grow old there.
Or (ugh) if one or both develop ailments that require full-on, 24/7, expensive fancy care places, well, we will have the money for that.
There really is no downside, in our case. And I recount all this not to gloat, but to advise others who are still relatively young, and have a paid-for house and no immediate need for quick cash, to look into this. Especially if you live in an area where houses are not appreciating in value, and there is some question whether you could make any kind of good money on a sale in the anticipated future market.
But waiting until you are cash-strapped and old is exactly what the bank hopes you’ll do—because then, THEY come away with more.
If your mother is living by herself in a house with a four hour/day caregiver, and her condition requires “more care” than provided in AL, then SHE NEEDS the services of a nursing home.
Her ear needs are what matter as a dependent adult. The emotional responses of her children should NOT be part of the decision making process.
An OBJECTIVE ASSESSMENT of her condition by a trained geriatric professional may be helpful in determining the BEST ANSWER for your mother’s care.
If the goal goal of a reverse mortgage would be to provide the same level of care as she is receiving now, you already know that her needs are not being met by that.
Consider HER NEEDS then address them.
It is a desperation play for someone who has absolutely no alternative.
Do you still own the house? Technically....NO. Because it's a loan that the company would cash in on once your mother dies. Whatever's leftover after they've collected their dues would then be given to your Mom's outstanding debts first, heirs second (if anything is in fact leftover).
Would they pay off her existing mortgage? I don't know but DON'T DO IT. Reverse mortgages are predatory lending on the elderly. There are other ways to get your Mom the care she needs.
A nursing home may have to be considered due to her fall risk alone. Do what is best for your Mom but DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT take out a reverse mortgage on her home. She's still responsible for the annual taxes and insurance on her home as well as the mortgage outstanding on it. What reverse mortgage companies don't tell you is that those two things are not things that they cover or pay for. You'd just be adding more debt onto the pile by taking out a reverse mortgage. Depressing as the prospect is in placing your Mom in a NH, it needs to be considered for her as it would selfish to keep her away from what she needs medically. There's always assisted living. Or the home health carer you've been using as well. See what you can do to pay off your Mom's mortgage without resorting to a reverse mortgage. She needs all the help she can get at this point.
I am concerned that a 90 year old has a $30,000 mortgage. Why is her house not paid off? My Dad is the same age and has a mortgage, his is due to pi$$ poor money management. He got a mortgage to pay off his credit cards, and has since maxed out a whole raft of new cards.
Why do you feel a nursing home is a depressing option?
thanks for your input.
They do NOT loan you the entire value of the home. Thus, in our situation it would’nt have paid for mom’s care hardly any time at all. That was the deal breaker for us. Her home was already paid for, so we didn’t have to worry about a preexisting mortgage.
You must do some kind of counseling/information meeting with them so you understand what you’re getting into.
There are appraisal fees & the like that are charged. Since we didn’t go any further in the process, I have no idea what they are.
Best of luck to you in trying to figure all this stuff out & deciding how to best proceed.
What my Dad did was sell his house, and use [after closing costs] the equity toward Assisted Living/Memory Care which was about $7k per month.
At this point in time, your Mom wouldn't be able to obtain a reverse mortgage, as she would need to be able to understand the paperwork.
Reverse Mortgages are more geared for those who have money, and wish to take out equity to use in the stock market or other investments knowing they will gain more than what the cost would be to repay the reverse mortgage.
Look into Assisted Living/Memory Care facilities. The ones in my area are built more like hotels than institutions.