Searching for guidance. Mom is mid stage being cared for by my father who is showing signs of alz and is pending testing. We are having issues with medication being taken so i am looking ahead to next steps.
They have no savings and their annuities are just over the threshold so they are not eligible for Medicaid. They are adamant they won't move to Colorado to live with me. Thoughts?
Do not take them into your home. Their needs will continue to increase and you will find yourself in a situation where you won’t be able to provide adequate care for them.
Your are wise to recognize that they should be placed in a facility where they can be cared for by an entire staff. You can then visit them without having the burden of being their caregiver.
Best wishes to you and your parents.
Sometimes when you drill down, they don't actually want any of that. Don't want to pay for home help, to have or arrange care staff & services. Don't want change.
They also don't want to move in with you.
So what DO they want?
Is want they DO want possible?
Does it need 'tweaks' & compromise?
Not live WITH you but maybe live NEARER to you?
Eg if/when they really can't stay at home alone any longer - if you will be the main support & contact, a care facility in your area may be the most practical. (Considering the Alz, you may have to pick it for them).
That may be a conversation starter. That change happens - but you are on their team to help.
Talk with your father about how you want to care for them and you need them closer to make that happen. Your dad's symptoms may be more about the stress he is under caring for mom than his own illness/decline. My mother showed great improvement once she was no longer my father's (vascular dementia) day to day caretaker. He may be able to live with you for a time and visit your mother daily BUT please plan on him joining your mother in care at some point if he truly has cognitive issues.
You're heading into the area where you want to honor their wishes and of course, they're your parents and you're accustomed to respecting them. At some point, you'll become the one in charge. You'll be calling the shots, and they won't like it.
If they could sell their home and move into a place where they have friends and lots of help, that would be great. Such places can be fun, they'd have little responsibility and 24/7 care. They'd have housekeeping and all meals prepared for them. They'll sit with friends in the dining room and have activities. Start talking it up now, if it's a possibility. Go visit some. Take dad. Work him around to how much better he'll feel if he's out from under the weight of taking care of mom. They won't need a car, so if they have one, sell it to pay for their care.
Never - ever - move them in with you. Be glad they don't want to move to Colorado! Taking elderly into your home won't work. You'll kill yourself over alarming the doors, changing their Depends, waking up to screams in the night and worse. Two dementia patients in your home, which is presumably peaceful and a haven to you now, is disaster. It's more than a full time job.
You seem to have a good grip on this. Don't let them derail you, and good luck moving forward.