Growing up with my brother I was always a much better student. I was always better in many ways. This is not a boast and I never was condescending to him. On the contrary, I was always willing to be helpful and assist. But now as adults taking care of our frail father, my brother makes all the decisions and my input is not acted upon. I often get chastized, even mocked when I express my feelings or recommend something. Most decisions they make for my father are without my knowledge and I find out after the fact.
My brother and his family then treat me nice to my face and make me feel important by giving me chores to do for my father. They do these little tricks that I understand but I do not, and can not do. It's just not in my makeup I suppose. My brother and his family are very well off, much more so than most people. It appears they have this understated entitlement that allows them to treat me this way. In the past they seemed to treat me better when I had things "going on."
I know life is finite and I will do the best I can for my father but the way I'm treated by my brother, and his family, is not only bothersome, the outcomes of their decisions are not always good. They have gotten into arguments with my father over things they decided for him. God forbid if I get involved!
Does anyone else experience this? What are some successful strategies for giving me more control or at least make me feel that there's nothing I can do but do what I can for my father.
Doing it in the manner that your family has set things up leads to resentment, dysfunction and disaster.
If you can be trusted with the day to day caregiving, you can be trusted with the management of finances and and healthcare.
Resign your caregiving duties and let your brother hire help.
I know when I tell my brother that I would like to pay but it's too much right now there will be a blacklash. He'll probably shame me a little, huff and puff and then anytime in the future he hears or sees I spent any more than my basic expenses he'll give some grief, verbal or not. Certainly I won't be invited over for Friday pizza night the next few weeks. I'm looking at that as a good thing.
With the environment I am currently in and with covid it's been hard to "get things happening" like I have before. When I do have it happening again I'll certainly remember how I was treated and I'll spend my good time somewhere else.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/the-caregiver-dysfunctional-families-149068.htm?orderby=recent
If you can't pay for dad's services, and that isn't what you 'signed up for,' then that's what you say and repeat to bro as often as necessary.
Maybe it would help for you to do some brief work with a therapist who has focus on elder care challenges, to help you get a 'bigger picture' of this territory in general, and the dominant forces in your situation. Or a social worker who has experience in geriatrics...someone who can help you figure out what is health for you.
Your father's funds should be used for his care. If he mixed his resources and your brother's family's resources, it may not be clear exactly what is his...but in any case, your money is yours.
You need to set boundaries about what responsibilities you have for your father...and try to have some time that you and your father can spend alone. If your brother insists on telling you how to do the tasks that are your responsibility, ask him once to let you manage. Then, step back and let him and his family do it. Or the aides.
I think that your opinions probably are not being sought on a lot of decisions, and are not welcome if you volunteer them. I've worked in elder care management for years, but the sister who lives next door to mom is sure that I know nothing and am just trying to boss her around when I share an idea or resource.
I'm learning to keep my opinions to myself...reduces my sister's chances to try to shame me. Works for me. Nobody else is thinking about my health and happiness....my mother has always been a dependent person who allows others to tell her what to do, refuses to make decisions, and had is not a warm person to her adult children or adult grandchildren.
It is on each of us to simply do the best we can given that we are all flawed human beings with differing ideas of what might work best.
If you give us a specific question or incident we may have better input for you. Meanwhile I sure wish you good luck, and hope you will just keep on keeping on.
I fully agree that everyone in trying situations just need to keep on keeping on. That can work literally miracles.