I am a stay-at-home mom to 4 children, all 10 years old or younger, and my husband works full time. My husband's father had a stroke about a year ago, and lived with a close family friend until recently when they could not financially afford it any longer. When my husband and I discussed his father moving in with us I was not aware of how bad his health was. After the stroke his left side became "paralyzed". He has days where he can barely move, much less attempt walking. He frequently has issues with bed wetting or bowel movements. He will repeatedly attempt to take a dry pair of underwear off, stating that they are wet, when it was just a minute before that he used the restroom. We have to keep a constant eye on him, making it extremely difficult to take care of household chores or to assist our children with things they need. My father in law and I have never really known each other either, so assisting him throughout the day while my husband is at work seems awkward for the both of us sometimes. I do not know how to take care of him, as I have never had to do anything like it in my life. There seems to be no instruction manual for things like this, and I could use any advice on the situation, whether it be medical/emotional/financial...any advice is helpful at this point.
But there was no manual, you didn't really know what you were getting into, and he's there now. Now what?
One approach would be to place him in a long term care facility that is staffed around the clock, and where the caregivers do it in shifts, not 24/7, and they get time off and vacations, etc. They've also had training and lots of experience. It sounds like FIL will need Medicaid to pay for such care. You and your husband can start the process of applying. If you do go this route, be sure your whole family visits often, calls, the kids send homemade cards and silly jokes, etc. If you don't have the burden of day-to-day care you may actually be able to form better relationships.
The other approach that could work would be to keep him with you, but arrange for additional in-home help. Again, it may be necessary to apply for Medicaid or some Elderly Waiver program meant to keep elders out of nursing homes and in the community when possible. Any income he has (SS, pension, whatever) should go toward his care. If that is not enough (as it often isn't) seek financial aid.
A place to start piecing together an instruction manual is to talk to a medical social worker -- perhaps at the hospital or rehab where he was treated for his stroke, or by calling the senior services agency in your county.
Good luck to you.
That said, I lived the advice about how much you already do without a manual. It's true. But don't underestimate how hard this road is, that you're considering traveling. There's a reason people don't get it until they live it. Don't let someone else's guilt about what to do now rule your life.
She also can attend religous services on site. Nursing homes of the present are not nursing homes of the past. After visiting different ones; some are a lot nicer than others. Just need to research first. These are difficult decisions and not easy. You have to take into consideration, your own health and that of your family, especially if children are home. My MIL lived with us until she passed with alzheimers, incontinent - adult diapers - are a lifesaver and walking problems. So I understand all the problems that go along with caretaking in the home. Just need to make decision that is best for all concerned.
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