I am here to ask advice how to manage this hard situstion our family is having to face. We are family of 5 , my first born is very hurt physically and require 24/7 care I do it all myself at home, therapies, personal care, homeschool her and her 2 younger siblings. I dont need to explain how financially, physically and emotionally draining for a family with medically challenged child. Before kids, my husband looked after and supported his parents even helped his brothers when they needed him. Now both his brothers have good life earn well, kids graduated from uni and working unlike us who struggle daily to pay bills. Their mum is 85 need their financial support. After her fall over Christmas and broken hip , she stayed with us and my husband cared for her till she recovered and was ready to go home but cannot be on her own and must provide out of pocket assisted living for her. My brothers in law didn't bother sitting and talk about. They just sent my husband, their brother an email with a list of their mom's financial expenses, house rent, live in carer, medication... and suggested it is only fair the total to be split among the three of them as their duty to care for their mum for the few years left for her to live happy. Now please know that we always provided and still physical and emotional support, send meals over, we help as much as we can, but is it fair to be asked to share the cost of care when they know our financial situation and what we go through? My friends with Special need kids rely on family friends for support . We never asked for anything. But it always helped when my thoughtful mum and siblings who live in another country and only speak to them on skype because I cannot afford to travel to see them send monitory gifts, nice clothes for my kids on various occasions, even some of my close friends help out treating the kids, taking them out, preparing meals and coming over, because they know what we go through. Not my husband's family, they live close by but they never offered any help. Still they relied on me hosting family dinners paying for it all... my nephew will come with an envelope offerinng help for christmas dinners, my kids first ipad, most of their clothes, my special need daughter hot tub... all were gifts from my side of the family and few close friends, nothing from the uncles. And I was fine with it. I watch them travel overseas on holiday, eat out, party... and never considering helping us. And now they are asking us to help them care for their mum. I feel so sorry for my husband he aged so much in last week, stressed worried, and complaining about anything we buy even a 5 dollars floating ring I got my son before we go on a local boat trip in the river. I asked him what is bothering him and I found out about their email to him. He told me we need to be super careful because he has more responsabilities now. He thinks he has to do it because he is her son too, even if he cannot afford it, even if it meant possibly stopping some of our daughter therapies so we can pay our share of care as the brothers requested. Please don't think I am selfish and trying to run away from responsibility, the load on us all these years is not easy and we cannot carry more. It is very important for my kids, and for me to stay in good term with the family, I live overseas far from my own family so I don't want to lose this one. How I can make them understand that we cannot help without upsetting them. I mean what to explain if they cannot see it themselves my husband said, if all these years they cannot see what we go through, they don't get it. I am reaching out hoping you can advice me what to say how to approach them and avoid family troubles.
Stick around, others will share their viewpoints. Blessings to you and your family. Sending a million hugs your way. 💗
Your children come first
I'm sure MIL would not want to take funds away from her grandchildren's upbringing. Put it like that to the brothers - they may not have thought about it like that - but should!
Maybe a trusted third party could be asked to help draw up a money agreement so any resentment is avoided.
Maybe one of the more well off brothers could take MIL in to live?
As you know, our daughter has special needs, and we have done our best to handle this without being a burden to the rest of the family. I guess in handling it this way, we have shielded all of you from knowing the full extend of the financial and emotional load we are carrying. If you would like to sit down we can show you a little of our finances and you will see that, although we love mom, there is just no way we can be part of her financial support. We will continue to help as much as we can with: (fill in the blank of what you can and are willing to do)."
Like others have said, your own family -- and your daughter -- are your first responsibility. I presume that she will not "recover" from her medical situation? That means you will be caring for her for many years -- and you need to be prepared for that. If you give to his mom's care now, you may find yourself in a terrible financial situation down the road for your daughter's care.
Sending some [[[hugs]]] your way, because it is a difficult situation, two hard things - and no good answers really.
If you want to keep good relationships, it may be that the only option is to send them a detailed budget of your own finances, and ask for their advice in finding the money they are asking for. Give them your problem! And ask them what other options they have looked at (including Medicaid), and the costings for those – a live-in carer with 24/7 responsibilities is not affordable for most families.
Now a bit of background , he is divorsed has 2 adult boys one 31 and the other 28 both unversity graduated , independant , with job . He lives overseas with us here with a partner no children , just them couple , have a good life , fly regularly to visit family and on holiday , ...
Our life : 3 kids , my specialneed medically challenged daughter another 13 years old and 11 years old boy , they are school aged kids , they need a lot still education , clothing , food , activities add to it our medical obligations , my son needs braces and i am struggling to figure this out . The brothers did all that the raising kids , clubs , braces , clothing , now kids are independant adults , of course as parent you want maybe to continue looking after their kids spoil them with expensive holidays gifts help them buy houses ,.. but this is no more "" needs and financial burdens "" my husband is the youngest and our kids are still young and still need a lot .
In reply to his second email we said that we cannot give what we dont have . That by the time we pay all our bills nothing is left . That they are not the one who are paying ,... and i listed few of the things we have to cover monthly. I will just hate that this will drag and we will go back and forth with emails . He did say we are basically in the same soup meaning same financial struggle and it is not right at all because he has no idea what we go through raisingbour specialneed daughter and it is sad that he doesnt get it .
My parents, now both passed, faced this same situation with my mom's mother who was widowed. This was before Social Security (in the U.S.), pensions, & all the financial assistance everyone seems to think has been around forever. My grandmother had absolutely no money coming in & her 7 children felt it their duty to help her. Some could help financially while others could not. Those that couldn’t help financially helped in other ways — ways that entailed time & effort. It’s actually easier to send money & be done with it than it is to help by doing.
My suggestion is to just keep doing what you can, do not give anything that would take from your own children’s needs/welfare, and realize that whatever you & hubby do will never be enough as far as his brothers are concerned. So what if they get upset? No one seems to care that your husband is upset.
You will up set them if you do not (they may not comprehend that you can not) help out. You can not be expected to do more than you can.
Do not let them guilt you or your husband.
Be there in ways that you can.
As you say you bring meals and help out in other ways. That is all you can do at this time it will have to be enough.
If the brothers can’t accept these facts shame on them.
There is no need of a future promise of money either. That will only set them up to keep requesting money.
as Your Family need You. Good Luck.