My mom has taken on the care of her sister who has down syndrome, after my grandparents passed away. Since then, it seems she has stopped any hobbies or activities. This all happened at right around the time my parents had retired. Actually, my mom had been fired from her job (but was close to retirement at the time after 30+ years at the job) while trying to care for her mother who was disabled from a stroke (when she was still alive) and sister and work full-time. I hope this makes sense, because I'm writing quickly, as I'm at work at the moment. I'm worried that my parents fight a lot because my dad wants to go out (actually, he wants to travel, but that probably wouldn't be possible with the caregiving responsibility), but my mom seems to not want to do anything. My dad always was more social and active than her, but she's much more a homebody now that she's a caregiver. She says it's difficult to get herself and sister ready, and she'd rather not take her with them. Lately, she's been asking me if I can watch her a few hours occasionally while they go out. I get the feeling my dad is very unhappy that she makes no plans and literally wants to do nothing. Yet, I can see her point that it's a lot of work to get her ready to go anywhere. Also, her sister doesn't get around easily and doesn't want to do many things (she'll complain that she wants to go home). I don't mind watching her now and then, but I think even working 40 hours is difficult (maybe I'm lazy...lol). I don't get out a lot myself. Also, her other sister is also retired, so I don't see why she can't help. I don't ask why either, because I feel like I didn't help enough with caring for my grandma (when other sister's daughter did help few hours a day, with pay, but she wasn't working at the time. I've been trying to think of how I can multi-task while watching her (maybe take her room to room and talk with her while I do extensive cleaning in my house?). I would also have to put my one dog up somehow, because she's energetic and hyper and aunt would be scared of her. I feel like I should help, since my mom babysat my kids on occasion (they're now 20 and 16). I feel bad if I don't, and I worry that my dad might leave. What do you all think?
I always thought that Sister would have been a perfect candidate for a Sheltered Workshop. There is also daycare for challenged adults. Go online and check these places out and share what you find with the family. Also, Brother-in-Law refused to put up with Sister’s lazy helplessness when she moved in with them. He set the ground rules and the transformation of Sister’s behavior was amazing. She now cleans, does laundry and helps cook. She has a purpose.
It’s a major, long-term obligation to care for a challenged adult, but there is help if you look for it.
If you're being asked to step up I see no reason why you can't inquire as to why the other aunt can't step up since she's retired and you work full-time. Why isn't the retired aunt being asked to participate in the care of her sister?
My mom had promised her mom (apparently long ago) that she would care for her sister and not put her in a home, after my grandparents passed.
I feel bad because my mom gets so irritable with her (because she doesn't get a break), but it isn't her fault so it's not fair to take it out on her. She cries when my mom acts put out by her.
Not long ago, she had been going to a workshop/day camp. She fell while there, so now my mom doesn't want to send her. I told her she could be a volunteer at the place and go with her. She didn't seem enthused. In fact, she doesn't seem enthused about anything anymore.
Good point about the changed behavior when people won't put up with it. I know her behavior has also improved (but it could be the depression meds she's on). I think she knows she's lucky to have them care for her. I tell my mom she should have her do simple chores. She says she's too uncoordinated and clumsy for most chores. I guess it would make more work for my mom (she would have to redo).
Everything is complicated by the fact that my mom seems to rapidly be getting dementia. It worries me a lot, and is quite annoying. Every couple weeks, she'll mention that my dad is nagging about wanting to go out and do things. She acts irritated about it, but I think she worries that he's unhappy. I know he is unhappy because he has told me that she literally does nothing. I think he said he doesn't want to just live life waiting to die. This sounds like a pretty strong statement, but I guess it makes sense for someone who loves the outdoors.
My mom knew years ago that she would take my aunt when the time came, but I guess nobody is ever prepared for such huge changes. My grandparents were long divorced, yet they died within a couple months of each other.