My 95-year-old dad with vascular dementia resides in a memory care facility near me. The care is mediocre, but OK for now. The problem is that dad recognizes he has memory problems & gets frustrated at times. He still knows me, my husband & my brother, but has difficulty finding words. Every time I visit (twice a week) he is clingy & desperate, & says he can't "live like this much longer". He says he just wants to hold on to me & not let me go. He is on an antidepressant & an anti anxiety med, but they don't seem to be doing much good.
I realize this response is a lot better than those who act bitter & ungrateful to their families, but it's getting to me. Before anyone jumps down my throat, I understand that he's an old man & is very lonely. He's never been very social anyway & had very few friends- by his choice. I've been dealing with this for almost 3 years & the guilt is pushing me to the edge.
I vent to my husband & he understands, but he can only do so much. I guess I'm venting here, too, and would appreciate any words of wisdom.
Try to distract or redirect things when he becomes like this. Maybe visit him when there's an event or activity and when you need to leave, walk him to that place and allow the staff to distract him while you exit. Does he have a stuffed animal for comfort? This sounds weird but often this soothes many with dementia as they focus love and attention on it as if it were real. My aunt does this with a weird, multi-colored Lllama stuffed animal. She has 2 real cats and can see the difference between them and a fake pet, but somehow the Llama fills a need as her "baby". Not sure if it works in the men the same way but maybe worth a try?
When my 86-yr old MIL (who is in LTC on Medicaid) asks when can she get out of there we tell her when she can show her doctor that she can do her ADLs on her own. This satisfies her until the next quarterly care consult. It is technically not a lie and does provide "hope" in her, while taking the burden off of us and making it hers.
Dementia is hard. Please think about what you feel as grief, and not guilt. Guilt is for those who have done something wrong. You've done nothing wrong -- you're doing your best. May you receive peace in your heart.
I often say that we ALL lose when dementia is involved & it's the God's honest truth. I lose, my mother loses, the whole family loses. Dementia is a terrible affliction and we stand by, helplessly, watching our family member deteriorate before our eyes, lost to a disease that robs them of who they are. My mother struggles to understand the words I use and to find words to use herself; aphasia is real and it's ugly. She cries for her siblings who she thinks have 'abandoned' her when in reality, they're all deceased; she's the last of 8 siblings still alive.
So it's okay to feel grief and guilt and whatever other emotions you're feeling while you watch your father cling to you during your visits. I wouldn't cut down on the visits either, unless you feel they're making him upset. Speak to his doctor, by all means, and see if a med change is in order, which is often the case as the dementia progresses. My mother is on the max dose of Wellbutrin for depression and Ativan at 7 pm for anxiety. She was just accepted on hospice this month which is good; it gives her a lot of extra hands-on care & attention that she likes. Don't beat YOURSELF up over what's happening with dad; it's out of your control. Be kind to yourself throughout this grief process; you're doing the best you can and so is dad.
Wishing you the best of luck and sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
One thing you may eventually need to do, is to tell him that you are concerned that your visits are upsetting him too much, as well as upsetting you. If he enjoys them, you can enjoy them too. If he gets so upset, you may find that the doctor suggests cutting down on visits to avoid him getting distressed. Talk about a better way for him to cope, particularly when you are leaving. You can remind him time after time, which may stick with him and may also help you to feel better. He needs a motive to make the visits better for both of you, and this is about the only one available.