Did you stand up to your mother when you were younger?

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Did you stand up to your mother when you were younger?

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My mother dominated everyone in the core of my family growing up. No one could have a genuine feeling in my family because my mother would not “permit” us to have feelings that she did not “approve” of. Since I was the youngest I suffered longer than my siblings. There was an incident that led me to me finally standing up to my mother in an “all or nothing” shouting match that led to me getting about 3 inches from my mother’s face and telling her off. (I was in the right, she was in the wrong it was cut and dry but my mother did not want to hear it) I was 25 and I knew that if I did not stand up to her, then she was going to intimidate me the rest of my life.
Now that she’s in her 80’s and I am in my 50’s she has started to try to do the same thing to me. I have set firm limits with her. Here’s my question. Did you stand up to your mother when you were younger? If you did, do you find that you can set better limits now that you are a caregiver? If you did stand up to your mother when you were younger if you did it now do you think it would do any good?

I’m sensing that my mom is heading toward a showdown with me. I’m prepared to have the confrontation, but I dread it because I know there will be tears, guilt, shame blame etc.

Family Caregiver Mom Relationships

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Once I grew up I understood that my mother was not ONLY a mother. She was a human being. One with her own wonderful uniqueness and with her own limitations.
Shouting solves nothing. Speaking with gentleness about your own views and why you have them can solve everything, and can bring understanding. You are grown up now. You should be able to live your own life, and when your Mom is doing her own thing, move away from it.
That of course is assuming you don't live together.
Remember that habits are just that. Sweeping things under the rug until the pile is so big it blows up doesn't work. Constant shouting doesn't work. Understanding and SELF PROTECTION works very well.
Consider counseling to help yourself comb through things and find a path moving forward to understanding, forgiveness, and living YOUR OWN LIFE. I wish you the very best, and am sorry there is so much angst still. You will know you are completely grown up when you see your Mom as just another human being on the face of this earth, with her own unique joys and sorrows.
You say you were youngest so you suffered longest. Not really. You all, I assume, lived with this gal for the same number of years. It could just mean that your siblings have moved on, and you have stayed a bit more stuck in it.

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Your mother is not going to change. Shouting will get you nowhere.

State your case quietly and leave if SHE shouts, cries or recriminates.

The only thing you have control over is YOUR behavior.

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Have to almost laugh...only because my father is now in his 100's and mom in her late 90's with dementia, and I am in my mid-60's and have nearly died in my efforts to care for them literally. I was rigidly brought up to be respectful and not cross either of them, but of late I have called my mother names I would not have dreamed of ever saying to her. Our parents were raised in a different generation and their own stupidity and behaviors reflect that, but I don't believe we have to stand by and be treated like servants. My father is deaf which complicates communication and telling someone off LOL...but a week or two ago I wrote him a note and let him have it. We both prefer to keep mom at home, I'm fine with that. At least so long as she can dress herself (she won't accept help) and go to the bathroom on her own. But problems are brewing. In addition to her lack of personal hygiene she is getting into kitchen mischief eating things she shouldn't be like condiments direct from the bottle or sticking her dirty fingers into a jar of jam...Anyhow, much of this could be resolved with a lock on the kitchen door which the father at 103 refuses. Her eating habits can contribute to her bowel issues and pooping in her pants and leaving a trail. His answer? After she goes to bed he goes around REALLY stinking the house up with his ever ready bottle of Febreeze which makes ME nauseous! Because I wound up sick and needing emergency surgery, on my return at the order of everyone, I scaled way back from all I had taken on from cleaning to cooking. HE was making one single entree and dividing it between the two of them, totally clueless. HE may have been full, but I think she was still hungry, and in an effort to give her more food and maybe stop the late PM fridge raids, I arranged for meals on wheels to start. They bring a tepid meal that needs replating so it can be reheated in the microwave, and a lunch that has things she can stuff her mouth on, salads, bread, fruit cup etc. HE wanted to know if we were going to continue getting the meals and I said YES. HE then asked if I was going to prep the meal for her to eat and I said NO. And he had the nerve to say that I did not make things easy! That was the last straw for me and I wrote him a note(with his being deaf if I didn't mention) that let him know what I was NOT. HE looks after his own goals/desires which are most important. I am also working remotely and while I truly don't mind fixing her meals up if I am around, I didn't want to take on ANOTHER task/obligation if I might not be able to be present due to work which I am likely to return to. Setting limits with these types, as best you can is really the only way you will survive imo. The one emotion/feeling you do not mention if you have a confrontation is RELIEF. Do any of your siblings offer support?

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My sister lives 3 states away, so no. My brother is dead, so no. When I had the shouting incident at 25 she sulked for 3 days. I had relief but I doubt she did. She never admitted fault either.

BTW "the incident" wasn't minor. My sister was a divorced mother to two children. My sister wanted me to assume custody of her children so that she could get remarried. My sister kept arguing with me about it and after my last refusal she turned to my mom and said "Make him take care of my kids". My mother's command to me was " I just don't know why you insist on not doing the things I ask you to". So shouting ensued.

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It takes two to participate in a showdown or confrontation. I wouldn’t be there for it if I were you

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My father was physically & mentally abusive to my mother & I. My mother committed suicide 25ish years ago. I had been long gone by then (moved out at 17, married at 22). After my father remarried we reconciled a bit. My stepmother was always good to me, but treated my dad like a door mat (nice when Karma actually works).
Now my stepmother has been in dementia care for a couple years, and my father has failed physically & emotionally. I am an only child, so wound up being his caretaker & decision maker. I saw early in that when he started to feel better, he would be bullying & manipulative.
After I figured out the pattern I nipped that s#%t RIGHT in the proverbial bud & gave him a screaming beat down, basically:
“You will NOT treat me - or anyone else - badly. Period. Or I will disappear from your life.”
And it worked. He has never since raised his voice to me, and retracts many criticisms even as he starts to speak. It is not a perfect relationship, but I’m all he has. This relationship is now on MY terms. It is the only way for me, I was fully prepared to turn my back on him for good, and he knew it.
Some say “get over it”, some say “forgive” (...without knowing what needs to be forgiven...easy to talk about “letting go” if you don’t know the things that happened...), but I say SET BOUNDARIES & make your mother stick to them, or let go of HER for your own sanity & protection.
Wishing you - and your mom - all of the very best in healing, reconciliation, whatever is needed - but PUT YOURSELF FIRST. That is not a selfish act. You cannot care for another without keeping yourself healthy mentally, physically & emotionally.

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Since Mom is in her 80s, she needs you more than you need her. Where is your sister in all of this?

As said you do need to understand she is getting up there. Shouting matches will do no good. Even if there is no Dementia there still is age decline. Overwhelming easily. Continue to set your boundries and don't give in. And if there is a showdown, look her in the eye and say "NO" quietly. If she continues to berate you, walk out. There is something called "gray rocking" look it up. And look up Narcissist. I bet Mom fits that description.

By independent living do you mean a place for Seniors with meals and activities? If so see what other resources they offer. Even if it cost her something, it may be worth it. If Mom needs more help with her ADLs maybe time to switch her to an Assisted Living.

I can't imagine why you sister felt it was your responsibility to raise HER kids.

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If there is any dementia or cognitive decline, like in my mother’s case, your mom may forget your congregation. You will be back to square one.

I am so sorry about the way you were treated when you were 25. My kids are that age, and it breaks my heart for you.

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Conversation. not congregation. Stoooopid auto-correct!

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I have stood up to my mom my entire life. I dont call he mom, she is S., as a child, I called teachers by their first names because my parents did not believe in formalities but equality.

So, now, she is 72 and trying to change the rules of the game, "respect," I wont change how it has always been. Now, all of a sudden she wants to be called "Mom," not going to happen. This morning was actually a fight over my grandma's dr appt. She found me disrepectful because my grandma got lost driving to the post office and since she is POA, I told her to get her sh!t together. Now, she is whining and I have no problem putting her in check.

So, the fights will get worse, there will be all those emotions. I stand my ground and if you choose to, be prepared because it is not easy.

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Did you stand up to your mother when you were younger?

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