Due to my mother-in-law's abusive behavior, I can no longer care for her at home. What are the first steps I should take?
My mother-in-law and I had a good relationship. She has always been a primadonna and somewhat self absorbed, but she thought the world of me. Even made me her power of attorney, health advocate, and considered me her only "true" daughter. I did everything she asked of me. All her doctors know and love me. I have been her transportation, her chef, her nurse, her friend, her everything. Recently she had an "episode" which led her to end up in an a post acute care rehab facility. We are not sure why it happened , but it followed a few weeks of some very bizarre behavior. I finally had to call the paramedics, because I feared she had a stroke. Anyways, her mental health has been on a mild decline for a couple years but we do our best to help her feel safe and secure. The episode changed her, changed everything. She acts differently towards me now, she is sneaky, lies to others who don't see her everyday or believes that at night I keep her "prisoner". The doctors have taken her license and she tells people I did it. Before all this happened, her son and I caught her giving away all her personal information (social, bank account number, credit card info, etc.). I have had to get her money refunded from weird purchases and return the stuff she's bought over phone, internet, etc. Well, after the recent episode I was told not to let her have a phone. But her friend starts coming over again, thinking she knows what's best for my mother-in-law! She doesnt see the bizarro behavior and is only hearing what my mother-in-law tells her and proceeds to unravel the work I've had to do to get her to follow some rules I made. Now because of that, Barbara (my mother in law) wont listen to me, won't talk to me except to say terrible things, and picks on my adult son, who she invited to stay with us due to falling on hard times. He has done so much to help around here, but now he's a target as well. She has taken things from my room which she claims is justified because it's "her house" and calls us names. Her friend only sees the victims side. The friend has actually hinted that my denying her her own phone can be considered as abuse. I even told her I'm only doing what I was told by social workers and doctors, but she acts like she doesn't hear me and continues to make waves for us. I'm supposed to have surgery in few days . I have cancer and my gallbladder is being removed. In the past she was able to at least pretend to care and show concern for others. Now she masks her once slowly, now quickly, diminishing mental capacity. Even some of her regular doctors aren't seeing these behaviors and changes. She was told she'd be in a home if she couldn't follow rules if I felt that I couldn't care for her anymore. That time has come, and I love her dearly, but I need her to be put somewhere she can get the help she needs. Can anyone help me with that and is there anything I can do about people who have no idea what's really going on and are making things worse?
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When the slanderous "storytelling" and lying about her caregivers starts up that can lead to real trouble for you and your husband.
Many times an elder's showtiming and storytelling can be so believable that others are convinced to take action.
I was a caregiver by profession for 25 years. I've seen the trouble firsthand that a demented but convincing elder can cause.
In the meantime while you're finding a care facility to place Barbara your MIL in, call her out on her abusive behavior every time she does something.
Do not tolerate a moment of verbal abuse from her or any thieving.
Monitor every interaction she has with everyone. If she's on the phone, you listen in. If she starts telling lies about you, correct her right then and there. Also tell the person she's lying to that this is what she's doing.
If she behaves verbally abusive to any of you, tell her to shut the hell up and that if she expects to be fed, washed, and helped then she had better knock it off. Then walk away and completely ignore her for as long as is safe to do so.
Today you install a lock on your bedroom door so she cannot get in there. If she gets on about it being "her house" ignore her and do it anyway.
You have to be the parent now. This is how to handle your situation until she is placed.
If her abuse becomes too much for you being her to an ER and ask for a 'Social Admit'. They will send a social worker down to talk to you. Tell them that you cannot and will not care for her anymore because it has become unsafe to do so because she is violent. They will admit her and keep her until they find a facility for her to be permanently moved to. Good luck.
This could be an "open ended" stay and when you feel up to it she can return but I think while you are dealing with your health issues that should take priority and give yourself a chance to care for you.
There is a strong possibility that she may have Vascular dementia and little strokes have damaged parts of the brain that made her the "sweet person" that liked you and what you have now is what you have. And if it is Vascular dementia the more strokes the more damage the more personality changes may occur.
As POA for health and finances you can restrict visitors that upset her, or in anyway make your job of caring for her more difficult. And when in a facility you can restrict visitors and if you wish certain people can visit but only with supervision.