My daughter has turned away from me since I became an octogenarian. For the age of a woman that I am I feel I have no value. I was a mother who was always there for my children...no matter what. Now that I could use just a little consideration, like: Offer to help where and when I need it would be a weight off my shoulders. Or just a simple call to check on me I try so hard not to be a burden, but sometimes a situation means a call for help from a family member. I don't know about others in my peer group, but I am very good at reading body language which in most cases says more than the spoken word. I get that from my daughter or verbally attacking me be cause I didn't love her enough when she was growing up or other things I did or didn't do as a mother. This was a kid who lived the good life: No abuse, best dressed kid in school, never hungry...the list goes on and on with blessings to be counted. Through self analogy I can only come up with is I was not free with terms of endearment and hugs. I never got them from my mother, I was totally aware of my not being able to show affection to my child....it was on my mind a lot. BUT, the big BUT. I knew my parents loved me by showing it so many other ways. EXAMPLE: my dad, with his flash lite, checking on me and my siblings while we slept...Can't get more convincing then that. Is there anyone out there who can identify with this? Or anyone? I am never included in her families activities. I am completely ignored and I don't have pity parties to brood about it. It would help if I could hear another person view on this. Has anyone else gone through this, and if so, where do you put it? Marie ( a very good mother, so I thought)
Leave the door open for healing. Don’t judge. Don’t criticize. Show only love and acceptance. Let me ask you? Can you meet your child right where she is? Can you try to accept that she is hurting? In other words, can you show more concern about her pain than you being offended at her confronting you? Just think about that seriously for a moment. It’s not about your opinion or if you agree with her or not. It’s about love and respect.
What I mean by that is people have reached out to me at my lowest point. I wasn’t expected to pretty myself up for them. They accepted me right where I was and it meant so much to me. That is where healing begins. That is when a person can find peace.
I myself had a perfectionist mother and I never felt ‘good enough’ around her. My dad motivated. My mom criticized. Big difference!
Did I try to get along with my mom? You bet I did. Did she try to get along with me? Perhaps she did in her own way. I’m sure that she felt as if she did. But I never felt like she was interested in meeting me exactly where I was. We work through things, not get over them or act as if it didn’t happen. It’s a journey, a process. Are you willing to travel in that journey, work through the process?
Does this ring any bells for you? I am in no way trying to make you feel badly. I am a mother too. It’s hard at times. I understand. I just want you to be open minded.
All parents make mistakes. All children make mistakes. No one is perfect, nor should we have to be.
Hopefully, we learn from our mistakes. Those mistakes that we can correct, we should make an attempt to do so.
Some things can’t ever be fixed. All we can do is forgive and move forward as best we can. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is let go and allow someone to live in peace.
Look, I do know some situations where the parents are incredible people, not perfect, but very good parents and the kid is troubled and it just doesn’t work out no matter how much they have tried. Very sad. I hope no matter what your personal situation is, that you will find peace no matter how it ends. I mean that. I truly do.
My mom and I after 15 years of her living in my home moved out. It was inevitable. I know that now. We no longer have a relationship. Still, I hope that she finds peace and God knows, that is what I am seeking, peace in my heart and soul.
Best wishes to you and your daughter.
As to the independent living facility, living with the drama of a junior high school atmosphere would drive me nuts. I would have to stay away from whomever you are speaking of. Do you have to be involved with them?
I have to say that I believe that the person requiring help needs to be considerate of the person that they are requesting help from. Perhaps you should ask her if you need help, if the time is good or when it would be good for her. Sometimes parents forget that their children are grown up with lives and responsibilities of their own and they make demands that are unreasonable and feel very disrespectful.
If you treat your daughter with the same contempt you have shown to others who have taken time to answer you then you will never have her help willingly. She is entitled to feel the way she feels, regardless how great you think you were as a mother. She obviously doesn't share your high opinion of you.
And my brothers are good guys. Just never understood why Mom wasn't in their thoughts more.
I have 2 daughters like day and night. R, the oldest, will say we did this to her we did that. That the younger was the golden child. R was an attention getter, not so with the younger one. I think some children need more attention than others and my R was one of them. She will say something went a certain way, my youngest will say she was there and thats not the way it was. Each child perceives things differently.
I think therapy is a good thing. We had it when R was a teen. From the beginning we were told we needed to respect that how she saw things.
I have told my daughters that we have saved towards our care. We hope to be independent as long as possible. I will downsize when things get too much for us. We don't expect them to care for us. But I do expect not to be forgotten. To be there when we really need them. Be involved in birthdays and holidays.
Come back and tell us how things work out.
Nobody's been a perfect mother to their children, me included. But open communication is key to fixing what's broken in these relationships, so hopefully, you're open enough to have such a conversation with your daughter. Who knows? It may be just the thing to get you both back together and on the right track to having a healthy future moving forward.
Good luck!
My FIL was in a wheelchair and his son and grandson would lift him in the chair up our steps into our side door. I suspect there are some issues at hand here that we are not privy to. I hope they can work them out.
Speak honestly with your daughter before the Holidays and family get-togethers begin and ask her why she has turned away from you and you are not included in her gatherings. Stay calm and don’t accuse or sound like you’re feeling sorry for yourself. Ask if perhaps your requests for help may have come too frequently. Ask if your past behavior at family gatherings may have been less than accommodating. If she is willing to share, listen to what she has to say. I can say that even though I included my own mother in family gatherings, she had a way of wording things that sounded rude and sarcastic. I hope you and your daughter can work this out before the Holidays.