I have 3 great kids, but my oldest son hasn't spoken to me in several years and has not acknowledged the recent death of his stepfather (my ex husband) that I have been caring for for the last ten years. My other two children have helping me in so many ways.
like you were a good mother.
she also had nothing much to split over. the daugher was really, really mad and took it on on my husband.
I am emotional support for my mom, tho she lives out of town. She has a son who is there for her but morally not on the same page. My brother who should be helping her has a wife with “issues” who prevents him from helping much.
My hubby’s side of the family is a whole mother ball of wax.
My take is this—if you favor one child in your will, you set your kids up for resentment and ill will after you are gone. My husband is on disability and we could use it but I DO NOT want more as it will affect family relations. So not worth it.
instead, my mom does things for us now, which we appreciateand which help us out. That’s how she shows her appreciation. And our relationship is worth more than gold. I do it for the love and not the money. We will get a decent inheritance so the amount doesn’t count. It’s doing the right thing. Let God be the judge.
Reward the ones who help you when you’re alive and leave equal shares shares when you’re gone so they stay family because is ‘t That more Important?
Ps. My dad was a probate attorney and that was also his advice. Revenge from beyond the grave is pointless. Speak to them now.
Financial accounts, including retirement accounts and life insurance policies as well as bank accounts, can (and should) have named beneficiaries or PODs (Pay on Death).
In my state, vehicles can be titled with a named Transfer on Death owner. The title reads "Owner TOD Favorite Daughter" for example. Real Estate the same--the TOD is named on the deed. These processes are pretty inexpensive to implement and have many advantages over a will:
1) The assets pass outside of probate, so no one has to know how much you left to whom, and there is no probate fee for these transferred assets.
2) You have unrestricted use and complete control of the assets until you die, so you don't run out of money you might need just because you gave things away.
3) It's fairly easy to transfer money between accounts and/or change PODs and even TODs, so if you change your mind because circumstances change, you dont have to prepare a new will.
4) The asset basis to your heirs is stepped up to value at your death, which is very important for tax purposes.
5) Once you've named your helpful children as beneficiaries and TODs as you have chosen, your will can say that everything else is divided equally. So, no reason for Rev Out of Sight to feel slighted by your will distribution. And his siblings can--or not--tell him whatever they want about what they got.
My husband is leaving more assets to his son because he's a single dad with no retirement account while the daughter has a husband to help her and her own pension and retirement.
It's your choice. You may want to discuss it with the helpful ones, and name one of them as your Executor. You can explain your reasons to them now, or leave them a letter of explanation outside of the will.
It's your money, so you have an absolute right to do what you want with it. It seems like you want to leave your money to the children who actually speak to you. If so, just make sure the will is written by a lawyer. The will needs to name the son as your son and then specifically say that you are leaving nothing or less to that person. This makes it clear that you didn't accidentally forget his existence. Putting a reason in there may be helpful legally. You may want to write a letter to be given to the son upon your death expressing your reasons. What is the relationship between this son and the two other children? Does he speak to them? I'm sure he will be upset if he is left out of the will. The more money there is, the more upset he will be. If he doesn't have a relationship with his siblings now, it will be easier on them to deal with his upset.
Not even your children are guaranteed to outlive you. I wish my dad would have done something similar.
I don't believe we owe our adult children anything just because they are "family." My home and money is going to those that have given me joy and made me feel as if I am somebody. I don't have to be the most important person in anyone's life, but I am somebody who deserves care and understanding.
You are somebody. Value those who show you that you really do matter.
My mother reduced my portion of her estate to half that of my siblings because I didn't speak to her for 15 years. What happened remains unseen.
My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and is delusional, jealous, lies and plays the victim. One of my earliest memories is of being three years old and feeling her jealousy. She’s still pathologically jealous even though I’m 62 with a gut and wrinkles. She allowed both siblings to abuse me as children and in adulthood. She made sure that I wore rags while my siblings had beautiful clothes, horses, saddles and swim lessons. My siblings got special dinners with linen and candles; not one special dinner for me. She gave my cat to the pound because I was 16 and cute. In my 30’s she arranged to meet me for a vacation in Mexico and then didn’t show up.
By the time I was 44 I was so depressed from trying to please her that I couldn’t get off the couch for a month. A succession of counselors commented that “people like your mother don’t change—they just get worse”, “there is something wrong with your mother” and “if it were me I’d give up.” To save my mental health, I did. Meanwhile she played the angel to her friends and relatives.
I returned two years ago for one last try, but my mother is more mentally ill than ever. Just like when I was growing up I’m the only one of three siblings to help her—cleaning, support through cancer, broken shoulder and severe bronchitis. She lost her license last year and I’ve been the sole driver for trips to doctors, dentist, stores, social security and post office. My brother is severely alcoholic--he drinks all day and is her baby boy. My sister has antisocial personality disorder and is callous and selfish. She lives 45 minutes away, visits once or twice a year and is The Favorite. I’m Cinderella.
The family is miserably dysfunctional due to my mother’s personality disorder. This is not my fault and I’ve been treated unfairly all of my life. If my mother leaves me less than either of my siblings I’m challenging the will. I don’t care if it forbids challenges—I have an attorney and two back-ups ready to go. Her executor can deal with the lawsuit and her estate can pay the legal fees.
Share extra with those who are caring for you now, but don't completely cut out your estranged child. You don't know the effect this can have in the dynamics of the rest of your family once you are gone.
We still have our sane minds. But the health issues continue to grow. We have some very self-involved offspring, from previous marriages, All but one of the sons/daughters have major substance abuse/alcohol abuse issues in teens and early adulthood. Three continue to be alcoholics. We do not, never did those things.
Now all are between 40-50 years old. Old enough to be acting as responsible adults. Due to their personalities developed around their drugs of choice, all but one are very emotionally stunted, pretty much self-absorbed. They Ignore us; after so many years of their poor behavior, we actually prefer being spared their lifestyle drama. Tired of the constant holding out hands, but never helping parents, not visiting, nothing. We don’t expect them to lift a finger to assist us, ever. They certainly never have during major illnesses we’ve had. Have always got better use for their incomes than visiting their parents.
I’ve made sure all CDs are POD to the one son who gives a crap. Due to the drug/alcohol issues, the non-named ones’ offspring aren’t in touch with us grandparents. The ex wives prevented contact out of vindictiveness, not because we weren’t good grandparents. Sadly. So, it’s a dilemma as to whether to leave my other sons’ offspring my sons’ share. My middle son has gone so far as to try to elicit promises of certain items of mine he wants. Things I’m currently using in my home. It makes me feel like he’s just wishing for me to die, as he has done similar things to his grandparents when they were living. He didn’t have any time for them either. I personally find it very offensive, as nobody is entitled to a thing another person has worked for, outside and of the spouse. It is doubtful we will have anything left anyhow, due to medical needs. It’s just so aggravating that people view their parents as givers, nothing more. While I don’t feel inheritances are rewards, I plan all to go to the single son who gives a chit.
It is better to include a nominal amount for a potential heir than to not mention him or her at all. If something is added, the reader would know it was intentional.
Also, talk your family! Schedule a family meeting and tell them what you want to do - and WHY. Set ground-rules for the meeting such as Children may ask questions (perhaps provide them in advance).
Communication while you're around will ease your mind and allow everyone to understand why you are making your choices.
In my will I am leaving nothing to my (step)children it is all going to grandchildren. I do hope that the money will be used for education but that will not be for me to decide. Knowing the kids that is what will be done with any inheritance.
My thoughts on this are...no child should EXPECT to inherit anything from their parents.
The money saved by me should be use to pay for my care as best as possible so I am not dependent upon the kids, the state or anyone else for my care and comfort. That is what I saved it for ...my retirement ...my life I did not squirrel away money to leave it.
Funny thing is I have always thought this way. Both my parents died when I was pretty young I still have money that was left to me, I have always thought it is not "my" money and had put it in CD's when they were paying a good bit then put it in an annuity that I just started taking. This money I always though of as my Dad's never as mine as I did not earn it. It will now give me a bit of money to play with so I can make improvements on my house and maybe take a vacation. But this is money that I have had available to me since 1969 when my Dad died. I am sure he would approve of what I am going to do.
If you are afraid what would happen if you were to cut him out ask the lawyer what would happen if the will were to be contested. It is possible that if he were to contest the will he would get nothing in the long run but court costs that he incurs to contest the will. Best thing is this is your money, property you can do with it what you want. Personally, my opinion for what it is worth, set aside what you think you will need for yourself for the next X number of years and take the vacation you want, book a cruise with the kids and grand-kids if that is something that you would like, maybe getting your son in a "neutral" environment just might open him up and you might find out the why's of his actions.