My Dad died just over 7 months ago. The last few years of his life, he suffered from the beginnings of dementia. By the time I got involved in their finances, his savings was non-existent. I helped them to pay their mortgage for close to 6 months and went through my own savings in doing so. Eventually, I decided that we would have to sell their home and move them to a smaller home - but in the interim they would be in an apartment. Neither of them wanted to move but they did. I felt terrible about it. About 2 months after the move, the pandemic started which kept them in an apartment. Then a few months later (in June), my Dad had a small stroke, then 2 days later a massive heart attack, then 4 weeks after that a massive stroke that eventually took his life. Initially he was able to have one of us with him at the hospital with him and my Mom wanted that to be me as she assumed he'd be out and home quickly and according to her he was "enjoying the attention". So I was there when he had his heart attack - it was terrifying. When COVID got worse I eventually could not go to the hospital to be with him anymore - but we talked regularly on his cell and he counted on me a LOT because my Mom would sometimes hang up on him when he would call her. She was a complete train wreck of a human the entire time he was ill.
My Mom has always had some mental health issues, manic depressive, some sleep-deprived psychosis and terrible anxiety. I discovered that she hadn't been taking her medications properly for some time (including the time that Dad was sick) and have gotten her back into a routine with that - but if I don't fill her pill box, she doesn't take her pills.
Dad handled everything for her and now she depends on me to do everything for her. She comes from a large family but a few of her siblings have died and she has isolated the others. She can be very difficult to get along with sometimes - very mean.
We're now at 7 months after my Dad's death and I'm spending 1/2 my time here with her and it's very hard to keep my own life on track. I'm exhausted all the time - and a rarely see my friends anymore. But when I'm away for too long she starts talking about her physical ailments or she'll start crying because she's lonely. On top of everything she has some resentment towards me because she is not in her old house - she brings it up every now and then - and that kills me. And every house that I've taken her to see she rejects because it isn't as large and grand as the one that she had before. I should mention that I live in a 1 br condo in the city so I do not have room to move her into my place. And she rejected a 55+ community when I suggested it.
She's 74 and in relatively good physical shape. I know that we're still practicing safety precautions per the pandemic but I'd like for her to entertain the idea of getting out and making friends in the near future, when the pandemic is over.
I would also like for her and I to get bereavement therapy eventually as well - whether we do that separately or together, I guess we'll see.
I'd love to hear from anyone that has had a similar experience and could offer advice. Or just any advice really. I'm stretched very thin right now and I don't expect her to wake up one day and want to be independent.
I love her so much - but this is killing me.
To be frank, she will be what she is no matter your actions. The only thing that will change with you enabling her is that your own life will descend down into her misery, and you will be miserable. She is not old. She may have two more decades of life left. There is no reason you should sacrifice yourself upon that altar, for, as I said, she will not be the happier for it.
You say you love her so much. That is wonderful. But love has always been no answer to anything at all. It is is a given. You are not abandoning her, but you are not sacrificing your own life for her either if she goes into care. She may do well in an Assisted Living for those with mental issues, but without you pulling away there will be no supportive care, and this will all be on you. As I said, the issue here is not love. The issue here is what can be fixed and what cannot, and what to do about that fact.
I wish you luck. Remember, this is worth grieving, but not worth guilting over. This is about life as it is, and what to do.
I really appreciate all of your feedback. It's so helpful to me to know that there are others out there that can relate and provide helpful information
My husband died 6 months ago, and I would never expect either of my children to be at my beck and call, to try and fill the hole that his death has caused. That just isn't fair or healthy for anyone. Do I get lonely sometimes? Of course I do, but it's now up to me(as it always has been)to figure out different ways to fill my days with things and people I enjoy. Your mom needs to learn how to do that as well, and she won't be able to if you keep allowing her to use you as her one and only. It won't be easy for you, I'm sure, but really you must take your life back and let mom get hers back too. Best wishes.
I think she needs to have help other than just me and getting her to agree with me on that is where we have an issue. And I don't know how to get her what she needs if she is not willing to take it.
I really appreciate your input. Thank you!
What your mother said about your father when he was hospitalized, that he was enjoying the attention............my mother would say the EXACT same thing. In fact, when my dad was dying of a brain tumor, there was mom, saying he was just fine, putting on an act, in fact, and had no idea what 'real pain' felt like. Only SHE had the copyright on that. She, a woman who's had 2 operations in her entire 94 years on earth, an appendectomy at 18 and a needless hysterectomy in 1975 for a fibroid. No cancer, nothing. Dad had 15 eye surgeries ALONE. But hey, her headaches would knock a horse on it's butt, dontcha know. Dad's gone almost 6 years now & she NEVER talks about him. The few times she's mentioned his name, it's been to say what he HAS NOT done for her, or never DID do for her, and that's it. No photo of him in her room, nothing. 68 years of marriage is as if it never was. He served his purpose, he's gone now, she's moved on to me, her next victim. Sad but true.
I'm very glad you only have a 1 bedroom condo otherwise your mother would undoubtedly find a reason she 'had to' live with you and then lay 1000 guilt trips on you as to why it was your duty to move her in, lock stock & barrel, and wait on her hand & foot, too. After all, she allowed you to pay her mortgage for 6 months & has no problem letting you know how resentful she is towards YOU that she's not still in her home. Who cares that extra expense took a huge toll on YOU? Oh, and cries that she's lonely. You have on your hands a very, very, very manipulative and egocentric mother, to put it politely. Have you noticed? If not, open your eyes widely b/c you're in for a wild ride now that dad is gone & her cushion is no longer there for her to rely on. Now it's YOU. You're her next victim.
I know from where I speak b/c I have a mother just like yours, except she's 94. I'm the only 'child' at 63 and she's sucked me dry as a bone over the years, playing the guilt card hard, crying alligator tears over what hasn't been done for her, how the other people's children are soooooooooo wonderful to them, about how she deserves to live like a queen but winds up living like a peasant, etc. etc. It's part entitlement, part narcissism, and part mental illness, all rolled into one big mess of a problem I've been dealing with for the last decade. She lives in Memory Care with moderately advanced dementia b/c there was no way I was taking her in to live with me. Thank God I made that decision long ago, is all I have to say!
Figure out a way to get your mother settled somewhere asap. Preferably in a senior apartment complex b/c guess what mother? Even though you won't admit it, you're 74 and way way way over the 55 year & up age limit. Almost 20 years, to be exact. This will give her a means to socialize. Otherwise, YOU are IT. It will give her transportation to stores and malls and such. Otherwise, YOU are IT unless she drives & has a car of her own. If she wants to buy a large & grand house, how will she CARE for it? Who's gonna do the maintenance on it? If you guessed YOU, you win the prize!
Women like this expect their daughters to drop everything and do everything FOR them. To be their lifeline, to be their entertainment, their taxi service, their scratching post, their shoulder to cry on, their BFF, their everything, literally. Their surrogate husband, in other words. You take over where dad left off. It's soul sucking & soul crushing.
What you need to do now is sit down & figure out how to set firm, strong & unyielding boundaries with your mother. Otherwise, she will usurp your LIFE. I guarantee it. I know you love her............I love my mother too, but this is about SELF LOVE now. Because YOU have to love YOU more than you love being a servant/Gal Friday for your mother.
You can do it! GOOD LUCK & GODSPEED!
Could you please look at the response that I posted for 97yroldmom? That provides more insight to my situation.
She would have more interaction with other resident more activities. And staff that would be able to give her more attention when she needs it. And they would be able to monitor and do medication reminders.
As things begin to open more I am sure they would do small group trips shopping, drives. And many have bereavement support groups as well
Thank you so much for your input!
I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. His last year sounds traumatic for all of you. He was blessed to have you in his life.
I know you have spent a pile of money on the mortgage. I hope you were able to reimburse yourself when you sold their home and that you have it well documented. Your mom sounds like she will need care and it’s very expensive. Eventually, after the profits from the house sale are gone, she may need Medicaid to pay for her care. If you haven’t already, please see a CELA licensed elder attorney to make sure all your moms paperwork is in place and that you are able to be reimbursed for the mortgage payments with a clean paper trail.
You know even though you were trying to stop the bleeding by getting them into the apartment, you did a really good thing by moving them when you did for other reasons. Many would have had difficulty getting mom out of her home after your dad died. So in a way, you have already done much of the heavy lifting just having that done. Is mom able to afford her apartment on her own without using her savings? She might be able to stay there (if it’s convenient for you) awhile before moving to an assisted living. She will need supervision wherever she is.
The way you describe your mom it sounds like she is ready for at least assisted living now. She has to have help with her meds for starters. She can’t manage her finances. If you are spending half your time with her then I’m wondering if you are also in charge of food and cleaning? Look up essential activities of daily living to get a better idea of what all you are helping with that highlights that she isn’t functioning on her own.
The second blessing is that you haven’t found another home for her. If you drop that search ( and please do) then that won’t have to be all unraveled in a short while.
If I were you, I would accelerate the plan for counseling. Don’t make any binding decisions for yourself.
Get a good understanding though a neurologist of where your moms competency and level of dementia is currently and start finding her help.
Does she drive? I hope not. If she is homebound, you could ask her doctor to order her home health to come in weekly to check on her and set up her meds. I notice on her bio that she is diabetic. Is she on insulin? Does she test her blood sugar?
The more you sacrifice your life to prop up her life, the less life you will have. This is true whether your mom is manic or narcissistic or whatever label is used.
An elder who has had life knock them about will often grab onto the nearest life preserver (that’s you) and that’s very common especially if she was accustomed to being taken care of. Careful you don’t both drown.
It’s a tricky position you are in. You love her. You feel responsible but please know that you can spend all your time, money and energy taking care of her and it will not be enough. Further it will drain you, impoverish you and leave you without retirement for yourself. You must stay on top of your game for both you and mom. someone has to MANAGE her care. Not provide hands on.
It takes most of us awhile to figure that out. Many missteps are made. So far you may be doing ok even if it has cost you your savings. Don’t let it cost you your life.
So my advice. . Don’t buy her a house. See a certified elder attorney. Get a therapist for yourself. Get mom evaluated. See what services she may qualify for through your local Area Agency on Aging. You may be able to get her evaluated for the level of care she needs through that office.
Take care of you first.
Big hugs. You are a wonderful daughter.
Mom also has a negative opinion of assisted living facilities after the pandemic. We've all seen terrible things on the news. My Dad was in a home for the last two weeks of his life - this was where he was supposed to be receiving skilled nursing care/physical therapy. Instead he left with a massive stroke and a stage 3 bed sore. Of course, we were unable to get to him due to the restrictions from COVID. And my niece works in a private assisted living/nursing home and tells awful stories of some of the goings-on there (but she did say that if Mom came there she would look after her). So getting her to agree to go somewhere like that would be a tough sell. So I've tried the 55+ communities and she rejects those as well. Although I think that has more to do with my brother than anything.
In the meantime, in addition to her apartment rent, we pay for two storage units to hold the furnishings that she had in her former home. She will not let them go.
She does drive about a mile to the grocery store now and again in her Ford Flex, when I'm not here or if I'm not already having them delivered to her, And she will occasionally go to Target or Marshalls to browse (which frankly scares me - I feel she's very vulnerable without someone with her). I don't know if that's such a good thing.
My Dad, unfortunately, borrowed against his life insurance at some point and that left her with about half of what was intended. But with careful spending, her social security and a little help from me, she'll manage.
I feel so stuck. I cannot make her do something that she doesn't want to do (can I?) and she is bound and determined to help my brother - and that means getting a house - which is something she is counting on me to find for her.
I really appreciate the time everyone on here is putting in to giving me advice and I am taking it all in as I am completely struggling right now.
THANK YOU!!!
I really appreciate all of your feedback. It's so helpful to me to know that there are others out there that can relate and provide helpful information!