Recently, my sister who lived with my mother (89) and was my mother's main caregiver, passed away. Also living with my mom is my sister's 45 year old son. My sister enabled her son for many years, covering for him when he got in trouble; he stole from my sister, manipulated her, bullied her and my sister always covered for him. He is on disability (bad foot). Now he is manipulating my mom, making her feel like he is the best thing since sliced bread. He has used her credit card to buy lottery tickets (thankfully she does not have an atm card). I have tried to tell my mom he is up to no good, and she always says he never asks for anything, and I say, "mom, not yet". I am her POA (live an hour away). I am trying desperately to get her to sell her house, move in with me, or anything to get him away from her. She does not want to leave her house yet. Two things have happened recently: 1. I took her to the bank to get some cash (500.00) she said she wanted it in case she went to visit her sister. The money has disappeared. She thinks she hid it somewhere, but I know he stole it. 2. The lottery tickets he bought, he said one of the scratch offs was for $50.00 so he gave her the ticket. She was visiting us for the weekend, so when we took her home she wanted to cash the ticket, my husband went in the store to cash it and the clerk said it already been cashed. I am sick about this and am beside myself with worry. I have been advised by our attorney to contact Adult Protective Services. When I was at my mom's last week, he got mad and said he was going to take my mom to an attorney to get me taken off as her POA and get someone else appointed as an Advocate. I taped everything he said. He thinks because he manipulated his mom, intimidated her, he can do the same with me, but that will never happen. I want to protect my mom, but I can't convince her he is up to no good. Does anyone have any other suggestions for what I need to do to convince my mom. For the most part she is pretty savvy, but her hearing is bad, and she is having some short term memory issues.
I've witnessed a POA being revoked/"re-assigned" twice, in 2003 and in 2018. In both cases, the LO had *obvious* dementia. Neither lawyer cared. Note also that these were in different states, south and mid-west.
Some people will do anything for $. Apparently lawyers are no different than anyone else.
Not ever, not even for convenience to help.
Can she do without the credit card? Can you purchase the things needed yourself?
Is he her 'caregiver' now?
If he tried to tell you that (intimidate you), can you imagine how he is abusing/exploiting your Mom?
When this happens, the only thing we as family were able to do, was move the elder out of their own home! It was a fight, and so many lost relationships. But they were dysfunctional, almost criminal behaviors. (Would have been criminal if we had called APS.) We never had to come against the free-loader, that would have been dangerous for our elder.
Eviction is in order, imo. Later.
Better to protect the elder by getting them away from people with his attitude. imo.
My response is triggered by personal experience with an elder, who cooperated with the plan and made good choices.
He doesn't have to ask for anything, when he is stealing it!
Is your Mom currently self caring, or does her grandson do much of her care, shopping, cooking, cleaning and etc?
Do consider the attorney's best advice. He likely knows all involved better than we do. Best of luck and hope you will update us.
Not without guardianship. POA does NOT give one the "power" to force anything. We were told that by the EC atty when we needed to move mom to MC but she refused to consider moving ANYWHERE. We couldn't do guardianship because the place chosen for her wouldn't take committals.
Unclear if this mom has dementia - a little gullible maybe, perhaps starting down the dementia path, but she doesn't sound like she would be a guardianship case, not yet anyway. IF this mom has dementia, then POA can be used to do the financial changes you are suggesting, no need for guardianship.
So sorry that you are dealing with this situation. Best of luck to you.
Try to stay in good communication and keep the money as far as possible, but that is really all you can do.
Do you want to live with your mother and care for her yourself? It’s clear that you don’t like or trust your nephew. However if you get him out of her house, how will her needs be met then? It would be good to think through the bigger picture before you get too far into this.
Now that the $500 has been 'lost', the next time she wants cash for a trip - tell her it is safer to use a credit card for every purchase she makes. Or tell her the money will be waiting for her when she arrives at daughter's house. Send daughter a check now, tell her to cash it and hold the money for mom. Mom does not need that kind of $$ around the house anyway.
If this disabled grandson actually hangs out at the house all day (even if he's a couch potato), he is company for her, he can help when called upon, and he could act fast in an emergency. They are used to each other. Give him a little something for the invaluable service of being with mom. Doesn't have to be much, but just a little spending money. Tell him no more lotto tickets on a credit card. Tell mom about the payments so she feels better knowing he has a little cash in his pocket. Maybe mom won't be so likely to 'give'.
As for APS, you can call them. However when mom says she freely gave him credit card to buy lotto tickets because 'he never asks for anything' they are going to say 'case closed - she's not a victim, she is aware of what she's doing.
About the only way to protect her is to minimize the money available to both of them. Set up account just for bill paying and you can pay everything via auto draft or you write the checks/pay online. When her income arrives, move a little to another account for her use. For the account that you give her access to, limit it to a small balance for misc items. Let her know at the first of each month how much is there. Then you could eliminate a credit card where people spend more than they have. She can't give away everything and he can't bleed her for what she doesn't have. If you set up something like that, put yours and sister's name on it and keep very good accounting of every cent you spend. At some point, you may have to explain how her money was spent and the reason for a separate account.
Mom may never understand your reasoning since judgment and discernment are the first executive brain functions to be impaired by Alzheimer's disease. The sad part is that the sufferer is unaware that this is a problem.
"She thinks she hid it somewhere, but I know he stole it." You KNOW he stole it or you are fairly sure he stole it? Without proof, this is a 'he said she said' situation. That isn't likely to fly with APS. It certainly wouldn't hold up in a court.
Curious, if she was going to visit her sister, why would she even need $500.00?
I think another person's suggestion about moving in with her might work for a while to help sort things out. What exactly does he do for your mother, besides use her CC for lottery tickets? Does he clean, prepare meals, do the grocery shopping, maintenance, taxi her to appts? Or does he just take up space and rack up utility costs on top of CC bills for lottery tickets? Your sister may have been doing all this, and perhaps could get him off his duff to tackle some issues, but if he isn't doing anything to assist her, move in yourself to see for yourself and then make plans for how to deal with this.
Contacting APS may not get you anywhere, esp since you have nothing really concrete to show them. If he's using her CC, that's a legal issue with the bank. If she is letting him use it, that's different than him taking it from her without permission. It sounds like she may back him up, not you, if you pursue this avenue.
Until you can find a legal way to get him out or convince her to move, living there yourself may be the only way to know exactly what's going on. You can surmise all you want, but currently you have little or no proof. It doesn't sound like living there is really going to drive him out. He had no job, probably no savings, why would he want to move? If it is unpalatable having you there, he'd probably just spend the bulk of the day elsewhere and come back to sleep there.
The best scenario would be to get him out and provide care yourself or hire care givers, but how will you accomplish that? The only glimmer of hope is if you can convince her to come live with you and sell the place, but it doesn't sound like she is ready for that option yet. Work on her... Ignore him. Use POA to limit his access to any funds or CC. If she has this CC, don't be withdrawing large sums of money to be lying around, waiting to be 5-fingered. She shouldn't really need cash, since most places take CC. Look into reducing the credit limit, based on her normal expenses. Perhaps you could put a bug in her ear about how someone else using your credit card isn't legal and could get her in trouble?