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IrishColleen, I see from your profile that your Mom lives with you. If you do most of the laundry, just go into her room and get yesterday's clothes while she is still sleeping. Or while she is still in her pj's having breakfast.
With Alzheimer's/Dementia, a person isn't going to remember what they wore the day before. Best not to say anything at all. It's not worth the disagreement.
If Mom can't find her clothes from yesterday, just act surprise and say you will look for the clothes, but in the mean time lets find another outfit you can wear.
I agree with FreqFlyer. The person with dementia is just not able to recall things, nor to reason things out. It's about their lack of capacity. Not that they want to be dirty or disagreeable.
I'd try different approaches to see what works best for her. Even though they may seem to be okay, their minds are just not able to function in ways that keep them clean sometimes. I'd see if she would be open to you laying out her clothes for the next day or set up a time to help her with her changing. You might agree that her clothes are clean, but that you want her in the new ones so you can take her picture or that you are expecting company.
Just leaving it up to her, begging, insisting, etc. usually doesn't work. I'd also be prepared that she may start having other issues too, like not bathing, not wiping, etc. Eventually, they need constant supervision and help. Do you have someone to help you with her care?
IrishColeen, This was a huge sign to me that my mother needed placement in a memory care facility. I was doing her laundry at the non assisted senior apartment. In the beginning, the "clothing count" seemed right. In the end, however, only one pair of panties and one pair of socks and a few shirts were in a 2 week wash basket. When I confronted her, her first reaction was she didn't know. Then, after I explained that she must not have bathed or changed clothes, she got mad and insulted. I'd noticed the body wash and shampoo weren't being used up either. Along with many other issues, I had to place my mom in a memory facility. Hubby and I were both working and I'm her only child.
After lunch on the first day she was there, she was sleepy, so I took her shoes off so she could lie on the bed. Whew! She must have had the socks on for those 2 weeks!!! I took off her socks and her toenails had grown over the top of her toes and were curling down the back!!! I was mortified. How could I have missed that? But she was still dressing herself.
It's so sad to see the decline in our LO's. I agree with the posters above. Don't try to take the clothes she has on-off her. Wait til she's asleep and take them out of her room. Avoid confrontation if you can. Nobody wins.
It is sad to see. My LO would cry like a child when I explained that she had to bathe, put on clean clothes or wear a bra. I discovered a bandaid that she had left on her toe for many months. She did allow me to remove it. I asked her why she did it. She said she was sorry, but, she didn't know why and that it was not the right thing to do, but, she had no answer for it. So sad.
Since your mother lives with you, it should be relatively easy for you to manage her clothing. If that is the worst issue going on, I don't think she is ready for memory care. Certainly keep that possibility in mind as her decline progresses in the future.
For now, just keep ensuring she has only clean clothes to choose from.
Consider yourself blessed that your loved one will change her clothes at all. My FIL refuses to shower or change his clothes for any reason even to put on pajamas for sleeping. He states he wants to be “ready for anything that should come up”. He is an angry, mean individual and as his dementia progresses his aggression is only getting worse. Fortunately we were lucky enough to find a CNA to come every two days to bathe and put clean clothes on him afterward. It’s still a struggle as he stalls for lengths of times and uses language that would make your ears melt but for some reason, he will allow this guy to talk him into it most days he comes. Arguing with someone that has dementia/ Alzheimer’s is pointless so you have to be one step ahead and come up with “work arounds”. Tell your loved one whatever you need to to make the situation a nonissue. Other posters came up with some creative ideas. Try any and all of them to see what can work for your situation. Good luck
Would she remember if you divert her attention to something else and then start all over by saying she's been wearing the same clothes for too long. Would she remember that you just asked her. Try to make it fun. Mother and I coordinate clothes with each other every day. Pick out the color from her wardrobe that you are wearing so you can dress like Mother/ Daughter.
My sister, 78, won't bath, change clothes, etc...and refuses my help. She takes clean clothes and hangs them outside..."see I washed my clothes." Very soon she will need more care but refuses all help. Currently her SS check barely covers her living "Independently" @ an Assisted living facility. She has Medi-Cal so I would like to hear from others (CA) who have needed/used Medi-Cal for placement. She has no need for rehab since it's her dementia that is creating problems with taking meds and ADLs. She walks to dining room without problems. Thoughts?
Boy, does this bring back memories! I agree that it's not worth it to fight and try and get them to change. It's one of the first things I noticed with mom. She would wear the same thing everyday. It was either she felt very secure in the clothes or she just couldn't make a decision on what to wear (and she had plenty to choose from believe me!). I think it was the first. It was something she felt comfortable in and she just didn't know what to do with the others. Then it was the bathing. Something she would never had gone without. She was of the generation that got their hair done every week. Boy, not any more. She started letting it grow since she said she had JUST been to the beauty shop which she hadn't in mos. The one time I got her to go (had to tell her she had made an appt and she sure didn't want her hairdresser to think she was a no show even though it was a completely different prson). Anyway, the hairdresser took me aside and said I can't get all the hairspray out of her hair with washing. I told her to do the best she could then cut it out. It looked so good when we left and my mother never even remembered she had had the long hair and it was quite a bit shorter. Long story how or when I got her to a facility but this is the beginning for you. So my suggestion also is to wash her clothes when she is not looking and also and this really helped me......don't have a lot of clothes. The fewer the better on her and YOU since you are doing the laundry now. Good luck and God Bless
IrishColleen, Started out with underclothing with my mom. Since I usually wake up before my mom. I would replace her underclothing before she got up, with fresh underclothing. Soon after it became all her clothing. After I remove her underclothing from the room, I will simply ask her if she has any dirty clothes she needs washed, as I am trying to fill the washer with light colors. So far so good. Funny thing this morning she said, oh no you grabbed my shirt, I had my underpants in it, with a pad. I told its ok. I found the pad and through it in the garbage, it was dirty. The underpants are in the wash machine. To her relief, I didn't wash the pad. On a daily basis she doesn't notice, her clothes, or her underclothing missing. Today, reading this question. I had to laugh. You got this! If she isn't remembering to change them. Chances are she won't remember what she wore the day before. One more tip... Have the same color underwear, or clothing to swap. Hope this helps. Praying all goes smoothly.
When my brothers, then there were 2, later 5, I would "trick" them. Tell them Dad would take us out to a movie or dinner if they are bathed and ready when he got home. Tell mom you're going out for coffee or bookstore, something she enjoys, but she needs to bathe and change. Or you could accidentally spill juice and say oh no. We need to take that off so the stain won't set. While she's in the bath/shower pass her a soapy wash cloth, shampoo etc. Pamper her with a freshly warm towel. Check her nails, toenails etc. I find that having her favorite colors in shirts, skirts, and pants, then she may not notice the change. Good luck, my mom needs help with dressing but sometimes she just doesn't want to change clothes.
Marlo Sollitto (updated 7-3-2017) wrote a great guide regarding so many issues one will come up against with aging parents. The bathing/not changing clothing was one of a number of issues addressed (#3 pg 2/10).
If you get the emails from AgingCare.com you will have so many answers at your finger tips. I have a 3 ring binder (really need to get a 2" binder) that I use regarding all of the issues over Mom with family members (dates/times/issue etc) along with my research both legal and article links provided by AgingCare.com. This article was a link provided by AgingCare.com
I don't know if your mom has mental decline, but if so, you're probably just going to have to put her into a facility and let them deal with it. Before putting her into a facility that deals with dementia and Alzheimer's, carefully do your homework and only select a nursing home with a five star rating. I would also research them with the Better Business Bureau and if they're not listed or accredited with the Better Business Bureau, that's a big huge red flag and I'd never put my loved one in there. Believe it or not, we must be careful where we put our loved ones as some of them definitely need to be in a facility. The problem is we need to look for ones with the highest ratings since there's so much abuse happening even in the nursing homes. It's bad enough there are people who need to be there but even worse when the people who need to be there or being abused by those who are supposed to be caring for them. I saw a video where a nurse was abusing a 90 something-year-old man in his bed and I personally would gladly allow nanny cams all over the nursing home and even in my room to prevent stuff like that from happening
Some elders have lost their olfactory sense, aka, sense of smell. That said, they cannot tell that they have an odor about them. I had to pull my mother aside and say "would you rather hear it from me that you have an odor about you or from your best friend, Evelyn?" So you may want to tell your mother this in a gentle way, naturally.
In the case of my foster dad who eventually developed dementia, for a long time I was unable to connect the dots. One time I saw him take his socks off and put them back in the drawer and I called him out on it. Of course he got offended, But he was one of the ones who kept his clothes changed but he only wore just a few specific outfits that he must've occasionally talk to the laundromat. His bathroom only had a very small laundry basket but he had a whole closet full of clothes, several of them were actually suits. He had one pair of pajamas that he actually wore until they started falling apart. In certain cases like this, it would've been nice if I would've been in a position to take him shopping and replace some of his clothes. It would've been real nice to have him try on some new clothes in the dressing room and check them out in a full length mirror. I only wish I would've had far more financial ability than I did because he possibly could've had all new clothes and other things he could've had replaced. All I needed was the money and a vehicle. Even helping each other with what we had just wasn't enough, lack of money was always a problem for me though it wasn't so much of a problem for him. I think he knew something before I did because he desperately wanted to make some kind of provision for me to help me when he was gone but he never got that chance because the APS finally stepped in and unexpectedly took him away, so I never did get the chance to make time at my convenience to sit down and look through this folder he really wanted me to see. I don't know what all was in it but there was quite a thick stack of different papers. Had I only known what was coming, I would've changed my plans for that night. To this day I don't know what his guardian did with all of his stuff and especially those papers. I would've liked to have known how long ago these papers were collected and what they said. I'm just sorry I was in a hurry that night and I'm also sorry I didn't have better resources and enough money to help him have a better life experience.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
With Alzheimer's/Dementia, a person isn't going to remember what they wore the day before. Best not to say anything at all. It's not worth the disagreement.
If Mom can't find her clothes from yesterday, just act surprise and say you will look for the clothes, but in the mean time lets find another outfit you can wear.
I'd try different approaches to see what works best for her. Even though they may seem to be okay, their minds are just not able to function in ways that keep them clean sometimes. I'd see if she would be open to you laying out her clothes for the next day or set up a time to help her with her changing. You might agree that her clothes are clean, but that you want her in the new ones so you can take her picture or that you are expecting company.
Just leaving it up to her, begging, insisting, etc. usually doesn't work. I'd also be prepared that she may start having other issues too, like not bathing, not wiping, etc. Eventually, they need constant supervision and help. Do you have someone to help you with her care?
This was a huge sign to me that my mother needed placement in a memory care facility.
I was doing her laundry at the non assisted senior apartment. In the beginning, the "clothing count" seemed right. In the end, however, only one pair of panties and one pair of socks and a few shirts were in a 2 week wash basket. When I confronted her, her first reaction was she didn't know. Then, after I explained that she must not have bathed or changed clothes, she got mad and insulted. I'd noticed the body wash and shampoo weren't being used up either.
Along with many other issues, I had to place my mom in a memory facility. Hubby and I were both working and I'm her only child.
After lunch on the first day she was there, she was sleepy, so I took her shoes off so she could lie on the bed. Whew! She must have had the socks on for those 2 weeks!!! I took off her socks and her toenails had grown over the top of her toes and were curling down the back!!! I was mortified. How could I have missed that? But she was still dressing herself.
It's so sad to see the decline in our LO's. I agree with the posters above. Don't try to take the clothes she has on-off her. Wait til she's asleep and take them out of her room. Avoid confrontation if you can. Nobody wins.
For now, just keep ensuring she has only clean clothes to choose from.
My FIL refuses to shower or change his clothes for any reason even to put on pajamas for sleeping. He states he wants to be “ready for anything that should come up”.
He is an angry, mean individual and as his dementia progresses his aggression is only getting worse.
Fortunately we were lucky enough to find a CNA to come every two days to bathe and put clean clothes on him afterward. It’s still a struggle as he stalls for lengths of times and uses language that would make your ears melt but for some reason, he will allow this guy to talk him into it most days he comes.
Arguing with someone that has dementia/ Alzheimer’s is pointless so you have to be one step ahead and come up with “work arounds”.
Tell your loved one whatever you need to to make the situation a nonissue.
Other posters came up with some creative ideas. Try any and all of them to see what can work for your situation.
Good luck
more care but refuses all help. Currently her SS check barely covers her living "Independently" @ an Assisted living facility. She has Medi-Cal so I would like to hear from others (CA) who have needed/used Medi-Cal for placement. She has no need for rehab since it's her dementia that is creating problems with taking meds and
ADLs. She walks to dining room without problems. Thoughts?
After I remove her underclothing from the room, I will simply ask her if she has any dirty clothes she needs washed, as I am trying to fill the washer with light colors. So far so good.
Funny thing this morning she said, oh no you grabbed my shirt, I had my underpants in it, with a pad. I told its ok. I found the pad and through it in the garbage, it was dirty. The underpants are in the wash machine. To her relief, I didn't wash the pad. On a daily basis she doesn't notice, her clothes, or her underclothing missing.
Today, reading this question. I had to laugh. You got this!
If she isn't remembering to change them. Chances are she won't remember what she wore the day before. One more tip... Have the same color underwear, or clothing to swap. Hope this helps. Praying all goes smoothly.
You may want to read this http://www.agingcare.com/articles/bad-behavior-by-elderly-parents-138673.htm
If you get the emails from AgingCare.com you will have so many answers at your finger tips. I have a 3 ring binder (really need to get a 2" binder) that I use regarding all of the issues over Mom with family members (dates/times/issue etc) along with my research both legal and article links provided by AgingCare.com.
This article was a link provided by AgingCare.com