My 88-year-old father gets upset almost daily. He wants me to take him to see his wife (my mother). My mother is his main caretaker and they've been married 64 years. It makes her so sad that he thinks she's abandoned him, even though she's there 24/7. I want to help both of them. What can I do?
the movie THE NOTEBOOK!!
THEE MOST WONDERFUL MOVIE
EVER MADE, (ABOUT THIS TOPIC)
MAGICAL ENDING!!! Watch it with them!!
It's likely this man is beyond capability to understand the movie. As I noted in my other post, he's likely living in the past now and doesn't recognize his wife at all, given that she doesn't look like the person he now remembers as his wife. My own mother, seeing a picture taken of her with me and my daughter, pointed at her own image and asked if that is Nana, which is HER mother, gone now 40+ years! Not sure who she thinks she is when she looks in a mirror. She even asked who those "2 girls" are in the picture with her... She did know me when I was still able to visit, but after lock-down, who knows! Other things she has said/referenced were clearly from about 40 years ago. Not sure if she'd recognize anyone today.
So many people post comments about how a LO thinks a wife or husband is their parent, not their spouse, because to them they are not that old - they are living in the past.
The keys word are "get my father to understand," when he cannot understand. What you can do is become aware to develop, and try out, coping strategies to calming and redirecting. I don't know if it would be of any support to your mom to watch THE NOTEBOOK. It might be too much for her. Give your mom a hug. I'd tell her 'deep down inside,' he knows and loves you. Build her up with emotional support while always acknowledging her feelings vs denying them. She needs validation and support where she is. Sometimes, just holding her hand (w/Covid now-?) and being with her grief and not talking may be more powerful than talking.
He does have stubborn days where he refuses to drink the tea..."because he doesn't like anyone telling him what to do"... And gets very anxious
However, he will go and get himself the Nettle tea out of the fridge and drink it cold with a ton of honey.
The key is to increase the nutrition and slowly reduce those medications little by little.
My mother initially in MC would look at pics of her siblings and my dad, over and over. That was several years ago. She really doesn't look at those anymore. About 9 months after moving to MC, she asked if I could drop her off at her mother's on my way home... Her mother has been gone 40+ years! During that same conversation, she asked about a key to the house they owned more than 25 years ago! She also later asked about her younger sister, and from the reference she made it was clear she was remembering that sister about 40+ years ago too! During one visit, my daughter wanted a pic of the 3 of us. A staff member took the pic. When I show this picture to mom, she wants to know who the 2 "girls" are in the pic, and then points at her own image and asks if that is Nana (her mother.) To her that isn't herself in the pic! I often wonder what she thinks when she sees herself in the mirror.
The issue is that they regress in time/memories. In their mind, it is 20, 30, 40 or more years ago, so obviously your mother isn't going to look like what he recalls his wife looking like! She might even be mistaken for his own mother or MIL. It is not easy and can be painful for those like your mom, but she shouldn't take it as any kind of insult or slight. It is what it is. She should rest assured that she and you are doing the best you can for him. Find ways to "fib" about where his wife is and then find ways to distract him - focus on things he likes to do, suggest a snack or cup of tea, a walk, ask him to tell you about the "good old days", whatever might change his focus to something more pleasant for him! Simple statements indicating she'll be back soon, no time frame, and distraction - usually once you can change their focus, they will forget for a bit. It will return, but you both just have to get adept at "fibs" and redirection!
Not sure if my mother will remember me once the lock down is over. One time during a visit she had some DumDum lollipops and I asked what they were for. She said "For my kids, if they ever show up." Perplexed, I pointed to myself, and she asked if my kids were there. So, clearly jumbled. She knew me, my name, my relationship, etc, yet referred to her "kids". We're not exactly "kids" anymore, even YB who is not yet 60!
When we are returning home from drives, my mom thinks my dad is waiting for us and she gets so happy and silly-worried that he's trying to start dinner because we are late. "He truly doesn't know what he's doing in the kitchen", she'll giggle. I get afraid of her disappointment when she enters the assisted living, thinking she will find him in the kitchen trying to cook. But it is such an ordeal to get her out of the car and in the door, and then seeing others around in the kitchen, she usually forgets the idea of my dad being still alive. Until next time. And on and on it goes. You and your mom will eventually get used to it as you try to just accept this part of the surreal world of your dad's.
He would recognize my voice on the phone but in person insisted I was not his wife. It is the saddest thing ever!!!!!! Arguing will not help for a time there would be windows of time when he would recognize me but they were fleeting. He would even telephone family and friends to find out if I was with them
Good luck 🙏🏻
When my Dad was nearing the end of his life he got confused. Dementia? He had lots of heart problems. My daughter, RN, would go over every night to get him ready for bed. One night he fought her. She said "PopPop its me R" shecwas about 28then. He said "Your not R, she is a little girl". The Thanksgiving he died, he called her over to his bed and motioned like he was handing her something. She took it even though nothing was there. He said "this is for you". We believe he handed her a dollar like he always gave her when she was little.
I agree, you need to change your expectations. He may not bevin the time you are. There came a time when my Mom never mentioned my Dad. Then out of the clear blue, she said "W would not have liked that" She thought me and my Youngest brother were making her think she was crazy. What happened to the two between us. Go with the flow. Never argue just agree.
You gals know the reality and as long as he is safe and well cared for, which I'm sure he is, then you should feel proud and happy.
Others have suggested how to distract him, etc. He can't help and would never do something like this on purpose.
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I would go shopping with my Husband and he would begin to follow people thinking they were me. I often joked that I knew where he was in his brain by who he was following that day. A younger woman with long hair..me in my 20's-30's then slightly older, shorter hair and heavier...me in my 40's then grayer hair and shorter me in my 50's and if he started following gray haired old men I would know my hair was cut shorter than it should have been ;)
Kidding aside I would ask where are you going and he would say I'm looking for my wife and I would say..well I will walk with you until we find her...I would walk with him towards the exit and he would go up to the car ( I would open it with the remote) and he would leave his walker by the back door and get into the car...easy. When it became more difficult for him to get into the car I would help him then I would get in and he would look at me and smile...
It did cut some shopping trips short but that's the way some days went.
I look back and I miss those days....
“Mary is at the store dad, she’ll be home soon, let’s match these socks”.
Watch Teepa Snow on YouTube. Watch how she uses diversion. Meanwhile his wife is at work, at a PTA meeting, helping a neighbor, visiting her mother, whatever he will buy.
“Mary is spending the night with her sister, look she left your favorite pie for you”.
You can do this while you visit and maybe write some answers out for your mom to read to him when he’s agitated. The primary thing to remember is he won’t be convinced so just follow his lead.
I am very sorry for you and your mom. I know it’s hard. Watch your mom carefully as she is vulnerable with so much stress. Talk to her about respite for dad so she can get some rest.