My sweet mother is living in an assisted living community/facility in CA. Prior to COVID, she lived in her own apt with minimal assistance. Her short-term recall was failing and she had mild dementia, but with a daily 1-2 hour visit from me or my sister, she was calm and happy, a sweetheart to all. Then March 14th, Mom’s AL facility closed off to only “essential workers”. My sis and I were limited to contact via phone only. And within days, Mom sunk down into the pit of dementia, completely unable to comprehend what was happening and why. Why am I in this “hotel”? When are you coming to take me “home”? Where are you? Why aren’t you coming to see me? Her calm demeanor is now replaced with anxiety and fear.
We have worked with her doctor and added an anti-depression med which also helps with insomnia. At the request of the facility, we have hired a personal care companion 6 hours a day, on top of the 24/7 support of care givers at the facility. We call 4 times a day when her care companion is not there. We FaceTime with the help of the care givers. We sing, read devotions, the Bible, and stories. We answer her questions several times each phone call. None of this has given her any understanding or lasting comfort.
Is anyone else experiencing this with their parent? Any suggestions on how to help from afar?
I’m not sure I can add anything to what you are doing which is significant!
I do wonder why a family member couldn’t be considered a personal care companion as hard as that might be.
My husband and I have moved in with his aunt, 93 and with dementia, in order to allow her aide to stay home. So it’s not a fair comparison to your mom’s situation. She is normally home bound so her life really hasn’t changed that much.
My heart goes out to the occupants of these facilities and to the trauma they and their families are experiencing as a result of this virus. We know that most any change can progress dementia so I’m not surprised your mom has had some decline.
I’m worried my aunt will have a hard time adjusting when we go back home. Hopefully we will all get through this period together and these facilities will be offered safe practices and equipment that will allow well family members access soon. Tell the personal companion to send you some photos of mom wearing a smile or watching tv so you can see she’s ok most of the day. Take good care of yourself and stay in touch. Hugs to you and mom
I pray health for you and your aunt.
You'd have to do some fast talking to negotiate it with the facility, mind. After all, what if everybody had the same idea?
There is also one thing to hold on to meanwhile. As long as she remains distressed by your absence, harrowing though it is to witness or think about, it must mean that she has not lost that connection. God willing you will be able to repair it.
I really appreciate your comment that her missing me, although distressing, does mean she still has a connection. Thank you for that insight.
When my mother stayed with her sister while I traveled, I left such a letter with her. My aunt told me Mom would take the letter out several times a day and read it through and seemed comforted by it. Memory problems impede a senior's ability to adjust to new to them environments and increase disorientation. Imagine yourself waking up to in a room you do not recognize with strangers coming and going and unsure how to make contact with anyone you know and love. The letter is a memory "bridge" providing the information your mother needs to re-orient herself to her current environment and comfort her that you will be calling and checking on her sometime soon.
My dad and I were talking about this tonight. “Dad please be careful and don’t fall.” If you have to go to the hospital they won’t let me go with you. I have been fortunate that my dad 96 is of sound mind and in good health except for his knees. Because of this mom was able to stay in their home. If course it helps with me living across the street.
We are making “Angel visits” constantly to help those who need help. I have been busy with FaceTime or ZOOM visits with family members. Once the family sees their loved ones they immediately light up and smile. This has been the best medicine, and I encourage your facility to arrange this with you and your family. We have dedicated a special number for the family members to contact us directly for these such requests.
UTI’s are also a problem with older persons with dementia. I am glad you are looking into this. As other comments have stated, this infection can create much confusion and make dementia worse.
I feel for all residents of nursing home/assisted living facilities. I hope visitors can come in soon!
My mom is in a memory care facility and, as with patrish1pacbell's mother, my mother is (actually, she has been for months) experiencing depression; seems worse of late. It is certainly being addressed and I am regularly in contact with the staff and with my mom (via telephone calls).
Otherwise -- one thing for sure -- weather permitting, my mom and other residents are able to walk on the facility property where she lives; she also sits at the gazebo she loves. I know this definitely boosts her spirits. She looks forward to the opportunity to get outside.
the more you rely on psychotropics or narcotics, the greater the risk for falls. They already have balance issues without drugs.
To the OP, don't feel ONE iota of guilt over posts like this, okay? You're obviously doing your best for your mother and that's what counts.
to visit your Mother than for you to visit? If she has not been tested
and is not a nurse then I would suggest you make yourself her
Personal Care Attendant. Good luck, I can only imagine the stress
and heartache all of you are going through at this time.
Since she doesn't have a cell phone, I purchased a Facebook Portal that often she needs assistance with but it has been such a blessing that she can see us. We did the music, Bible study, prayers, etc and she told me yesterday that it was the best day... 20 min later she is calling me crying wanting to come home! It is SUCH an emotional battle for all of us.. I think the opportunity for them to actually see us is such a major plus.. Thankfully, the staff, nurses, and team where she is are some of the most wonderful people that have such a heart for their residents.. and they are constantly sending me pictures and encouragement of any "hall" activity they have and she participates in. I honestly think this has been one of the hardest situations I have been in so far with her to see her actually cry and beg me.. It tears my heart out. I am going to go back and watch more Teepa Snow videos but I think our PRAYERS are our biggest weapon against the isolation they feel..because God loves our parents more than we do and He can comfort them like no one else.
Let's all hang in there and realize ( trying to tell myself this) that my mother's misery is temporary and her happiness is temporary.. it is minute by minute and we can only do so much. Thanks for sharing... It somehow makes me feel not as alone.
Anyway, just do what you're doing and remember that a bad day doesn't mean a bad life. While today may be horrendous, tomorrow may be perfectly fine. One day at a time, right? The added meds are a great idea; whatever works is what's required right now. Don't second guess it, and don't listen to naysayers, either.
Wishing you the best of luck and peace moving forward.
The only thing I thought about is there any old movies of family or maybe a nice picture or two from past that may help her. Dementia I know may not pay attention to having a pic....but maybe information with the picture can be read to her.
I do feel for your mother and pray for comfort. You are a wonderful family to do all the things you can do. It is because we all have to be apart that makes it hard.
I pray comfort will come to her....It will or won't....You just know that you are doing everything you can. I am sorry for this situation. Bless you for all you do for your mom.
Her rehab is one story so I have been going over most days, weather permitting, to sit outside her window and chat on the phone. She brightens up and seems to be improving. We are hoping to get her back to her AL where she will be among familiar faces and her own things.
Mom has had a few panic episodes so the nurses call me and I can talk and reassure her. One said she went from a 10 to a 2 on the panic scale when she heard my voice. Her Dr ordered a light sedative when needed.
I also noted that each of the night time calls happened soon after I left her a small candy treat. Wonder if the sugar or chocolate was a trigger?
Hang in there, the quarantine orders are for the good of the larger community. So far no one are the AL or SNF has fallen ill so it seems to be working.