My mom is in home hospice and I have moved from out of state to care for my parents. I am sellling my home and storing my belongings in their barn. My parents are 89 and 90 and my sister chooses to not communicate with them or me at all. When my sibling was communicating she was instrumental in getting my parents to sign everything over to both of us as co trustees on their estate with the exception of a small checking account that is used for my dads "running" money and household expenses. I am concerned 1) that since we are co trustees and something happens to my folks, we will not be able to work together for their benefit since she has chosen to behave this way. 2) that she will try to have me removed from the property which now has become my only home, (I have been here for over a year now) 3) that she will try to include my belongings in with the estate items. 4) that if my dad becomes unable to care for himself she will not consider his wishes on how he wants things handled and try to take me to court. Please advise.
DofNarcissists and Davina, I am sorry you had to deal with a narcissist family member as I was married to one for 27 years so I understand your pain. Although undiagnosed, my sister exhibits these same behaviors and has done so most of her life as she pulled away from family. It is always someone elses fault, she is never responsible for anything but wants and needs affirmation on anything and everything she does even if it was 10 years ago. The social worker tried to set up appointments with her on her time for family meetings and she agreed to it but then didnt show blaming the social worker for not confirming (when we had the text messages proving she knew).
There is always 3 sides to every story (hers, mine and the somewhere the actual truth) so I get that. I want my sister to be involved and to see our parents but she has to deal with the demons in her head and mind in order to do that. I have offered to leave the house so she can come over and not see me or to take my dad to the mailbox so she can pick him up and go to lunch and not come in but she chooses not to do so. Because its not just me she is angry at its my dad as well because he called her out on her behavior. This journey with my paretns although sad, has been a true blessing to me in that I get to see even more how true love is suppose to play out. I hate it that my sister is missing that the most. Thank you again for your responses.
I have tried to get my mother to go see an elder law attorney. I have told her to tell the attorney that her children don't get along. I have told her to tell the attorney that I am legally physically disabled (with a hidden disability) and that my brother does not believe that I am disabled, that he thinks I'm making it all up. I told her that having an elder law attorney involved would be in her own best interest, so that she has good documents that will speak for her when she can no longer speak for herself. I want my mother to select trustees / executors that are NOT family. She REFUSES to see that she is creating problems for herself down the line, that her do-it-yourself documents are not appropriate for her situation and will cause a huge headache if she needs either the Living Will or her POA to be used.
Most of the time, when someone decides to have nothing to do with the family of origin, it's for VERY good reasons. There is a serious problem in the family. Instead of going to an attorney first, I would consult a Elder / Geriatric Care Coordinator who is also a trained mental health professional and take it from there. The problem may be with you and your parents and the 'rogue' sister is actually behaving rationally (which is my situation). If it's the other way around, the 'rogue' sister has problems, the Care Coordinator might be able to moderate a family meeting so that the problems can be worked out. Then, I would go to an Elder Law attorney.
I'd check with an attorney. An hour spent with one specializing in this would calm your troubled soul. You have enough on your plate w/o wondering what rogue sister "may" do.
Been there. Expect the worst. If possible, it would be better for everything to be in your control. If you can do that, your sister will probably still try to make trouble but the courts are used to this - she will probably just hold things up. The fact that your mom is in hospice might complicate things. Changing wills close to death is suspicious to the courts. I would definitely talk to a lawyer.
Are your parents aware of the potential problems? And do they know that what they do with their lawyer is private? The non-communicative sibling does not need to know.
If you are intending to be there until your father passes and the house is to be sold upon his death, a stipulation could be put in the will saying that in the event that you are their live-in caregiver at the time of his passing you can stay at the house rent free for a specified amount if time before the house can be sold. That way you have time to grieve and then make plans for new living arrangements.
You have made sacrifices and made yourself vulnerable in order to be there for them in their time of need. Share your concerns with them regarding your vulnerability and her lack of communication and commitment to the family. If this is a revocable trust they should be able to change things so you are the sole trustee and they can make you the sole executor of the will.
Understand that when your sister finds out, there will be h*ll to pay. You must make sure that your conduct and execution of your duties are beyond reproach. You must execute exactly as your parents stipulate - no rationalizing that it is okay to make exceptions because you sacrificed and took care of them and she didn't. It is a thankless task and you must have Honor and integrity to do it well.
I have a sibling who be difficult - (long story) and when mom came to live with me; we went to an elder care attorney. Mom's wishes will be granted, but I am the executer, trustee and POA. Sometimes it's better to have one - depending on the family situation.
Talk to your parents, express your concerns, what do they want?