How do you convince a sister-in-law to butt out of telling us what we should do about Mom's care?
I have a brother and SIL in another state. (Not far enough that they can't visit frequently, but they don't.) My other 3 siblings and I either don't or rarely answer the phone anymore when we see my brother's name on the caller-id. He likes to supervise from a distance when it comes to Mom's care. We live it every day. He doesn't. At the same time, when he calls, it sounds more like our SIL talking. She is very controlling, and he can't seem to think for himself. (Mom used to say that she would hate to have her as a mother-in-law. To which we would all laugh.)
At Christmas, Mom was getting up from her chair. My brother got up to help, and his wife yelled and told him not to help her. (I am assuming because she thinks she hurt her back helping her mother, so he will do the same... Hard to tell. But, that is how she is.)
My main complaint is that when I would call my brother (which I have stopped doing now), my SIL would be in the background, telling my brother what to say. Did he have us on speaker phone?? How would she hear what I was saying??? She has done the same thing when my sister called recently. My sister told my brother that she called to talk to HIM, not her. He took offense to that.
The other night, I had it out with my brother (and then my SIL). I told my brother that when we call, we want to have a private conversation with HIM, and we do not appreciate her interjecting when we are trying to talk. My SIL told me that she will continue to give my brother her opinion on Mom's situation until he tells her not to.
I told her (and him) that I don't care if they talk about the situation after the phone call, but to talk while we are trying to have a conversation, is flat out rude. My brother told me that none of their conversations are private and that they are "a team."
Everyone else has also stopped calling him because of her -- whether it is her talking in the background or listening to my brother sounding like her. It would be good to be able to keep my brother up-to-speed on Mom's decline. At the same time, we want to talk only to HIM. We don't want her telling us what we should be doing. If I text him, she reads the texts. If we email, she reads all the emails. So, what do we do???
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HE even told you: "... that none of their conversations are private and that they are "a team." "
Either your brother has no backbone and doesn't dare standing up to his mouthy and rude wife, or he's really the type that prefers to have the wife take the lead (it's not uncommon you know, in fact it's very common.) Unhappy wife makes for an unhappy home. He knows which side of his bread is buttered, etc.. Whatever the case might be, you need to accept them as they are and decide if you want to share any information to that "team."
My suggestions: call your brother at his work, or where/when you know he is by himself, or just text or email knowing that they both will read what you write, but at least you won't have her interjecting in the background. Or just don't contact them at all.
Caring for your mom is stressful enough without making an big issue out of this. So, let it go. Or else you will just make your blood pressure go up an stay up. And you don't want that.
You didn't get to pick your brother, nor did he pick you. You are stuck with each other. You did not get to pick your SIL, but she is now part of the family, entitled to come to family events, etc. Unless it is a really toxic relationship we all just grin and bear it with our relatives, right?
In this case it sounds like you've chosen to minimize contact. That is up to you. Does it seem to be working?
SIL offers suggestions and opinions, or channels them through your brother. You probably get unwanted advice from other people, too, like a co-worker or a club member or your hairdresser. You can always say, "thanks for your input." And then you can completely ignore what they said. Or you might choose to explore an idea further. Why should it be different with your SIL?
Who has financial and medical POA for mother?
I wanted to keep family and close friends updated on the progress of of my husband's dementia. I opened a CaringBridge account (no charge) and put the information there. That way everyone got the same information and I didn't leave something out to someone by mistake. They could leave comments, which were mostly in the nature of "Thanks for the update. I hope you can get some sleep now!"
My condolences. I am an only child married to an only child.
I have cousins, lots and lots of noisy cousins.
My brother is retired, but does teach part-time at a college, so I can't call him there. My sil does not like to be left alone (after she had a seizure and later cancer treatment). So, when he isn't teaching, he is home. But, her behavior started way before her medical issues. I sent her flowers while she was going through cancer treatment and my brother told me, "While 'we' appreciate the sentiment, 'we' don't want cards or flowers because it reminds us of what 'we' go through every day." That was really her speaking, but my brother used "we" to indicated he is going along with what she said. They could have just said "Thank you" and thrown them away.
jeannegibbs, I have financial POA for Mom, but she never set up a medical POA, so we all have to be contacted if something happens.
I don't get unwanted advice from others. (I am retired, too, so there are no co-workers.) I talk to family members and my friends. My friends (and hairdresser) have been through similar things with their parents, and they just indicate how hard it is. They tell me what they experienced and realize every situation is different. They never say, "You need to do this or that."
Last year, when Mom was still pretty good and able to do things for herself, my brother said (or sil said through my brother) was "Mom needs to be in a nursing home." We (the siblings living close to Mom) had decided to keep Mom in her home. After having her in a nursing home for the past 5 days for respite care, I am still of the mindset to not put her there. I don't want her left in a hallway, sleeping in a wheelchair, head bent over. Maybe if she was bedridden, we would feel differently. But as long as I can handle her at home (with help), I will. I doubt that she has that much time left (maybe months).
JoAnn29, if my brother had his own email account, I could email him, but my sil has the account in her name. Yes, she knows where her opinion stands with me and the rest of my siblings. We all feel the same way.
It sounds like SIL may have some control issues. Just my opinion but I don’t think she needs to have any input in your mother’s care at this time. Ultimately it is up to you and your siblings to decide what is best for your mother and your SIL should not interfere. Your brother needs to stand up to his wife and tell her to back off.
Then today she comes to my dads NH and despite good intentions mucks things up there, yelling at the nurses and aids, etc.
So your brother needs to stand up, and yea, you cannot make him. I am just drawing the line on how she effects my dads situation now. Also worry about my little nieces, but that is not the point of this thread.
This is a very hard situation to be in with your mom and trying to control the situation with your brother & SIL is only adding stress. Take care of your mom and be thankful that you have the support of your other siblings. (When i have to listen to unwanted advise i pretend im chatlie brown and hear - wahwah wah wahwahwah wah!) Gives me perspective that they are just babblers.
May God give you strength to do what you need to for your mom.
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